I quite agree.
Glad to hear you’re finding some support. Be prepared to learn a lot about a really miserable part of the human experience. Addictions suck.
My long-term girlfriend’s ex discovered heroin. To make a long story short, he lost their business (really her business as she did all the work, but he had access to the accounts) and their home and stole everything she had. She ended up living in a women’s shelter and eating in soup kitchens for a while.
I shave with an old-school safety razor. The individual blades come in little unmarked wax-paper envelopes. Apparently, these are much like the packaging he used to get his heroin in. One day, fairly early on in our relationship, she found one of these in the trash and I got a very thorough physical exam for track-marks. I had no idea what the hell was going on, because she was too upset to speak. As most everyone else has said, you’re handling this very well. I hope it turns out as well as it can.
I just wanted to give a kudos to the OP for not following into the natural but destructive role of the enabler.
It is hard but the best thing for both of you.
amaguri, you are doing great. Hang tough. The kindest thing you can do for any addict is let them slide quickly to their bottom. Nothing gets better until they find bottom, whatever that means for them. The faster it happens, the higher the bottom will be. If people “help” an addict, they really just prolong the using period, and increase the aggregate damage that occurs before bottom is finally reached.
Do not allow yourself to doubt your actions. Addicts can smell guilt and use ti to their advantage. He will eventually get low enough to come back and see if you are someone from whom he can get money or other support. When that doesn’t work he’ll go away for a while, then eventually get low enough that his disease convinces him that he has a right to liberate a few cash-producing items from your car/home/self.
Be wary, move, and change your phone number if you can. Do not engage him. Do not be polite or sympathetic. The conversation you quoted above is as clear as anything I’ve ever seen - he chose the drugs over your relationship. Sick, but predictable.
On a moleculer level, heroin usurps the same chemical/reward pathway in the brain that governs the Mother-Child bond. In order for anything to become more important than the heroin, it has to break through at that level. Doesn’t mean that you were never important to him, but now that the drug is in his system, it will be almost impossible for him to choose you over it.
By the same token, there is almost nothing he won’t do for it. Just as a Mother would do almost anything to feed her hungry child. Try to keep this perspective in view.
Congrats on informing his Dad. You didn’t get tied up in the addict’s thought process, just did what needed to be done and walked away. Bravo!
To the OP: You’re doing the right thing.
But know that it’s not hopeless for him. I was addicted to opioids off and on for over 6 years, put together some abstinent time here and there only to relapse harder each time, but now have been clean & sober for over 21 years continuously now.
But I had to reach my bottom. And hit it hard.
To get me there, people had to stop enabling me. And thankfully they did. I’m glad you’re doing the same, by doing what you’re doing.
You guys have been an immense help, really. Just having someone to “talk” to when I don’t want to (or can’t) talk to anyone in person has been huge.
Locks have been changed, and I also did in fact order an HIV test. I am terrified of that, to be honest, but it’s another thing that just has to be done.
To quartz: I would love to help him, if and when he decides that he needs help. I am convinced that he thought he could continue this for a while and eventually take care of it himself, with his friends and family none the wiser. Obviously he is in denial with regards to how quickly and noticeably it progressed.
Another thing I learned, narcotics anonymous requires participants to be TOTALLY clean, no drugs or alcohol at all. Makes sense, huh? So I wish I had had a stronger reaction when he started drinking. I mentioned it, I asked if it was ok given his history, and he said it was fine. See how naive I am?
That’s the goal, for certain. As all too many addicts have found that alcohol merely substitutes one drug for another, or rapidly returns them to their original drug of choice.
But the only requirement for membership in NA is a desire to stop using. Relapsers are not kicked out, only given encouragement and help to do better in the future.
Thrilling update!
This should probably go in MPSIMS but I didn’t want to start a completely new thread…
So, I saw my ex for the first time in a couple months. He still had a few things in the garage which he finally came to claim.
- He dropped all of his classes this semester, because it was “too stressful.” But he said it’s no big deal because he’s already registered for other classes at another college. This seems unusual to me only because he was obsessed with his schoolwork when we were together.
- He’s lost at least 20lbs and looked generally shaggy, because he was “sick for a couple weeks.”
- His former roommates were also there to help him move stuff, and everyone is acting like nothing’s wrong. I’ll admit that the above two points are purely circumstantial, but it feels like I’m in the Twilight Zone, seeing things that other people don’t see. I guess I’m not sure what I even expect here-- it would be equally odd for everyone to abandon him or treat him with kid gloves or give me a knowing nod on the sly… So surely most of this is in my head, which is something I need to work through.
- His behavior was perfectly normal and pleasant and as a result:
- I still miss him, which is ANNOYING AS HELL!
I have been through all of this, several friends and my youngest sister
From your description of him he is still using, this is not in your head, the weight loss, the shaggieness and the pleasant demeanor, he was probably high when he was at your house, I can’t know that but from experience I would say he was
Of course his friends came to help, they are still friends and no they won’t say a thing about it to you, they have heard his stories probably about how you dropped him so unreasonably, when he needed you most, when he was sick and troubled,how you put him in these financial straights and why he has/had to pawn so many precious things, all your fault
They know none of this is true
Keep your chin up
Let us know how it goes
It’s going to be weird no matter what happens. Whether he’s clean or not, the relationship has changed, and that’s what makes it weird. You’ll get used to it in time, but it’s, um, interesting right now.
[Big hugs] Dropping both weight and college classes sounds like pretty good evidence that he’s using to me. Besides, if he were really getting sober, it should involve an admission that he relapsed and a giant apology to you, not an ‘everything’s fine’ act. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s rough.
This is (IMO) absolutely the right response.
I’m sorry for your situation – sucks for you and is a shame for him, too-- , but I think you’ve done well. If there any of his friends that you know well enough to talk to about him, you could try that, which is about the only realistic thing you could do to help him. But if you don’t actually know any of his friends well enough to call them up and talk about what he’s doing, well, that right there might be a sign that your relationship wasn’t really working and you’re (sadly) better off without it.
Oh, Ami, I’m sorry. When head and heart disagree it’s just so frustrating!
You already know this is a “follow the head” moment, but I’ll type it out just in case you need to review in a weak moment.
The fellow you miss doesn’t exist right now. There’s only this other guy walking around looking just like him, except, you know for the skeletal shagginess. There is the slimmest of infinitismal possibilities that the guy you fell in love with will walk out of that fog again someday, but don’t hold your breath for it.
Congrats on walking through this. It is incredibly painful, and you have shown immense wisdom, courage, and grace throughout.
Forgive the zombie thread… just found out my ex died this week. Heroin overdose. He hasn’t been a part of my life in over a year but I am both ridiculously angry and heartbroken about this. He was so, so young. I know there was nothing more I could do but I am really … holy cow. holy cow.
Wow, my condolences.
You did the right thing in removing him from your life. This would have happened regardless.
When I saw that this thread was bumped, I wondered if that might be the reason. Then I thought I was being ridiculous. Sigh.
I’m terribly sorry to hear this news, amaguri.
My sympathies are with you amaguri.
This thread is such a good reminder that addicts and alcoholics who insist they aren’t hurting anyone but themselves not only are oblivious to the love others have for them but are also suffering from tragic delusion about the impact their use has on others.
Even if he didn’t admit to it, you know he’s using. You’ve already found this out. The fact that he’s lying shows he’s not willing to admit it or ready to make a change.
I would’ve straight called him out on the needles, and everything else you found. There is no rationalizing clear evidence. I’m a guy though, and don’t have to fear as much for my safety, so I’m not faulting you for that. Do you have a father, brother, or close male friend who could help you make this confrontation?
With that being said, heroin is a very dangerous drug. This is quite well known to anyone beyond the age of 16. Using something like that implies a lack of self-control, intelligence, and general respect for yourself and others.
It’s well known that a user is far more likely to get off the drugs if they have a roof over their head, than to be put out on the street. So it’s certainly a tough decision.
But are you ready to take on that responsibility and the likely negative consequences that may arise?
I’m sorry but I say drop his sorry ass. You didn’t cause this, and it’s not your mess to clean up. Help him if you can, but don’t let him fuck your life up. There are plenty of fish in the sea who are not on heroin.
Your story made me tear up a little. I’m really sorry to hear that.
I have a cousin who’s daughter was using heroin. He kicked her out and hasn’t heard or seen from her in possibly years. Personally, I think when it is your son/daughter, you have an obligation to help them no matter what.
But I’ve never been in that situation, and I can imagine there’s a certain breaking point for anybody, which throws a wrench in my line of thinking.
If you don’t mind, what did you do in this situation?