Heh heh,
Truly, if you aren’t interested, turn me on to him. Aside from the poetry, he sounds quite interesting!
Yes, boring. Boring and kind of depressing, really. I do like the guy. A lot. But I think a great part of what makes the relationship work is the arrangement we have now. We are not tied down in any way. If we suddenly had mutual dirty dishes and bills and shit to worry about, a lot of that magic would simply evaporate. Screw boring. It’s actually more than that. It’s scary. I hate cliches, but for lack of a better example, marriage is just like the slimey prison door banging shut in the opening credits of “Married With Children”. That is the best metaphor for marriage anyone has come up with yet. I know it works for some people. Good for you. I’m happy that you’re happy. But that doesn’t do me any good. Maybe I’m more in love with the concept of a commitment-free relationship (one that meets certain needs I have, but doesn’t demand too much of me in return) than I am in love with Michael as a person. That’s what he thinks, and I’m afraid he could be right.
And that’s exactly what everyone is saying, right? That she should settle for what she doesn’t want just to keep her man happy like a good little wifey. What a bunch of Neanderthals we must be.
Oh, wait… except nobody said that, did they? They reacted to the OP’s smug superiority and her gleeful dismissal of anything she considers “bourgeois” even though she can’t quite manage to spell it.
“Cool”. “Enlightened”. [Enigo Montoya]I do not think it means what she thinks it means.[/Enigo Montoya]
I think you’re lucky you even found a guy who was cool with the casual relationship for as long as he was. The old stereotype is that the woman is always the one looking to get married, but in my experience it’s been the other way around. I already have a kid (7 years old), not looking to have more. I have my job, my apartment, my friends–everything I need. The only reason I would accept a man into my life right now is if he could respect my independence and add to it, rather than try to take it away. I dream of having a companion of sorts to go to dinner with, have sex with, etc., but in no way am I looking to shack up or get married and have him around ALL the time. I’ve done it before and it isn’t for me. I love my life the way it is, I’ve earned the right to live the way I choose without compromising for a man.
I suspect that your problem is not fear of committment, but simply n desire to avoid all demands. I fail to see the problem. Hire someone to do your dishes for you, and have your bills paid automatically every month. After all, I am sure you eat off clean plates now, and evidently you have not been evicted yet. I am curious, how does marriage impose any more domestic demands?
I am also a little curious as to why you don’t feel you could ever be married on different terms than those dictated by the bourgeoisie. If you are really so breathtakingly nonconformist, wouldn’t you fashion a marriage that suited the needs of your lifestyle?
Believe me, I don’t have a problem with your wariness about marriage. It’s a good thing, really. I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around your reasoning.
[MPHIMS (Mundane pointless hijack I must share)]
It’s Inigo Montoya, cuauhtemoc…totally mundane, but I named my cat after that character, so yah know. 
[/MPHIMS]
Carry on.
Marriage is a boring, structured, Married With Children nightmare only when the two people in the marriage make it so. That’s the bottom line.
I wholeheartedly apologize, Ruffian
Ah, cuauhtemoc, you live in Jersy, I see. You must be disgruntled because I was dissing on Jersey to the point of mentioning it in the same sentence with “Riding Lawnmower”. Lol-l-l!! You know, my son’s best friend just moved from Manhattan to Jersey, and my son hasn’t been over there to visit him yet? He says the 'burbs give him the creeps. His friend calls it his “Jerseyphobia”.
Wherebouts are you in Joisey? I’m near a window overlooking the Hudson with Joisey on the other side. If you waved a hand and yelled “yooo-hooo!” real loud, I might even be able to see you.
I have a friend who is 40+, lives here in Vermont. She’s been dating the same man for about nine years. He lives in Colorado. They switch off visiting each other every six weeks or so, more so in the summer. (she’s a teacher.) They both love where they live, and neither wants to move. So both are happy with the situation as it now, every 6 months one or the other flys out and spends a week. Personally, I can’t imagine being happy in her relationship, but it seems to work for her.
I tell you this because non-traditional long term relationships CAN work. But her fella is also happy with where she is, so she doesn’t have to re-establish their relationship.
You need to CLOSELY examine two questions.
1.) What exactly is it about marriage that scares you? The cohabitation? The institution? Or is it the commitment? You’ve said that don’t want to get married because you can’t break up in a marriage, and that’s what scares you. That’s a commitment problem, which IS a problem. If it’s the institution, remember that even Gloria Steinem got married. It’s not as evil as it was 20 years ago.
2.) Why does he WANT to get married? Is it because he wants kids and a picket fence? Or does he just want to grow old with you? Does he want you to take care of him, or does he want to take care of you?
What about moving in together and keeping both apartments? You’d be paying the same amount in rent that you are now, but it would give you the security blanket of the extra apartment. And then you can sublet it to a nice Swiddle. 
Seriously, don’t break up with him, discuss your fears with him, and get thee to a couples therepist. And keep an open mind.
Actually, you like things the way they used to be. He, unfortunately for you, doesn’t. In my opinion, there isn’t anything wrong with continuing your arrangement, except he doesn’t want to.
I think the reason for the negative reactions here are that you want to maintain for yourself the right to change your mind in the future, but are appalled that he is exercising that right for himself now.
It sounds as if, with the rent-controlled apartments and the trust fund, you guys are one of the lucky few who get to live a life of relative stability. That’s nice, but change is good, too. It sounds like whichever way this goes, your going to have to deal with it. Good luck.
Just out of curiosity, how many times have you seen American Beauty?
You know, marriage changes nothing about your relationship that you don’t want changed. That’s not to say that it’s going to be an option for everyone, but it doesn’t automatically mean a ball and chain either.
It sounds more to me as though you’re awfully defensive about your independence. I don’t see how marriage would change that aspect of your life unless you wanted to. Nobody says you have to move in together. There’s no law requiring you to share a checking account. Hell, there’s no reason why you couldn’t even break up/get back together again as much as you’d like. Your perception of marriage is a bit skewed, at best.
Benefits of marriage include the right to make and be involved in decisions concerning your SO’s life. If he was in the hospital and had no family around, wouldn’t he want you to be able to take care of his affairs? Also, you get a tax break.
It’s just a piece of paper, nothing to be afraid of in and of itself. I see no reason to treat the man like dirt because he dared to be honest with you and profess his feelings. I think you are doing him a grave disservice by trying to imbue his offer with negative connotations that may or may not have been implied. Who is to say that when he proposed that’s even the lifestyle he had in mind? You don’t give us a clear idea of what he asked of you when he proposed, and I think that’s part of your problem – you don’t exactly know what he was asking of you.
Don’t write this guy off because of your own insecurities. That’s just plain cold.
Indeed…
Sounds like a real hard-core prole, that one.
Since this thread seems to be (unnecessarily, IMHO) working its way toward the Pit, let me try to redirect it toward Cafe Society.
When I read the OP, I thought, “sounds like Harriet Vane in Strong Poison.”
What Suspenderzzz thinks about marriage, Jersey, riding mowers, etc. is really kinda beside the point, folks, even if it seems to have taken over the thread.
Bottom line: he wants his life to include marriage, she’s sure she doesn’t want hers to. (The why of it is completely beside the point.) I agree that Susp. should send him on his merry way so he can find a woman who will marry him; anything else is just stringing him along, giving him false hope.
Yes, but some of you sound equally defensive about marriage. Why try to convince someone to get married if that’s not what they want? She has a right to her independence.
No one here is trying to convince her to get married, and no one has tried to convince her she doesn’t have a right to her independence.
My point was merely that her own insecurities about marriage and her perception of the institution led to her breaking up with this guy on Christmas eve for no reason other than her fear of a silly stereotype. Sounds a little heartless to me. I don’t think her rationalizations make up for the fact that she treated him pretty shoddily.
No one is trying to convince Suspenderzzzzz to be positive and cheery about marriage. They’re just trying to yank that pushbroom out of her hands that she keeps painting with.
[Dr. Evil]There’s nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.[/Dr. Evil]
Suspenderzzz, if you don’t want to get married, that’s cool. Consider, though, for a second, why you don’t want to get married.
If you don’t want to get married because you don’t want to be with someone for an indefinite period of time, or because you honestly feel that marriage is just wrong (or wrong for you), fine. Send this guy on his way–that’s a difference that you two are never going to be able to work out without one of you doing a 180, and neither of you should be forced to do that.
If you don’t want to get married because you want to live some sort of idealized, single, Friends-esque lifestyle where no one ever gets the trots or defaults on his rent or hogs the covers or does laundry or works regularly…well, I think that you’re foolish, but I also recognize that it’s your life…and that you should let him go. And I’ll also feel insanely jealous 'cause there’s no way I could live on my own in a big city and not work and write poetry. And it’s not for lack of talent or inclination, either…
If you feel like being all smug about the fact that you’re so above the middle class, and you don’t want to get married because it isn’t cool, and doesn’t conform with your idea of what a liberal/cool/independent person should be, then…well, I can’t say what I’d think about that here in MPSIMS. However, it would condense to “grow up, then consider marrying the guy.”
Yes, this is true, and I’m sorry for going off on you, Suspenderzzz, it’s just that your OP gave off that “I’m better than everybody else because I don’t conform” smell. If I was too quick to judge, I apologize. And I’m not sensitive about living in New Jersey (Morris County, in case that means anything), I’m actually itching for the opportunity to get the hell out.
Nobody should ever get married if they don’t really, really want to. I have nothing against people who want to remain single, and I think it’s a perfectly fine and valid choice. I’ve thought about it myself at times, but I think it’s more likely I’ll go the marriage route. However, I’d much prefer to stay single than be in a marriage that I didn’t want. I will have none of this prison shit, and any woman I get even remotely serious about will know this in no uncertain terms before we even utter the word “marriage”. I think it’s possible to have a good marriage, I’ve seen people do it, and it’s the only kind of marriage I’d ever consider getting into.
Now if your greatest joy in live is to laugh at me, and visciously mock me for being “bourgeois” then all I can do is pity you.