My Boyfriend Proposed, So I Broke Up With Him

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I thought he was different. I thought he was one of those cool, enlightened guys whose favorite pastime is to make fun of the bourgouisie, the Suburban Lifestyle, the pressure to conform, etc.

Although we have been on-again/off-again for about two years, our basic philosophy on life is similar (or so I thought): The Nuclear Family and the whole day-to-day life thing that comes with it is something to make vicious fun of, and then scream and run as fast as you can before it snatches you up somehow. He’s cool. He has no baggage, no ex-wives or kids, not gay (rare for a 41-year old man who was never married). He has rich parents on Long Island, although he himself has lived in a rent-stabilized apartment in Chelsea since 1985 and his income is sporadic. Doesn’t matter, though. He writes poetry (complete with cafe house readings), he thinks like me and understands how my mind works. He hates the same things I hate (more important in a relationship than liking the same things! Nothing brings people closer together than mutual gripes. That’s not being cynical, that’s just a neutral fact.)

I should have seen it coming. Lately, we have been more off-again than on-again. He seems disgruntled, dissatisfied, restless. He keeps saying that, at his age, he should have something more to show for it than he has. He has a masters in English from NYU. I never finished college. Although he is not holding down a regular job (he doesn’t need to), he has everything necessary to make a lucrative living should he need or want to. I know many women would kill for a guy like that.

I think he has a midlife crisis, because, over the holidays, he finally came out with it: He wants to Settle Down. He wants Stability. He is not actually pressuring me to get married, but he said he is ready to settle down and he wants me to be his partner in crime. (Correction: He says he’s not pressuring me to get married, but if I hem and haw too long, he’s going to move on.)

Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great guy. It’s just that I don’t want to get married. To anybody. I felt so pressured I sent him on his merry way on Christmas Eve in a panic, telling him to get out of my life. He has tried to call me several times, but I am screening my calls. One time he showed up on my doorstep. I let him in and we had a discussion about the subject until late into the night. Neither one of us seems willing to surrender our basic view on the issue.

Is there something wrong with me? Many women would jump at the chance to find a proposal of permanent companionship at the ripe age of 43. We’ve all heard the statistics that a woman over 35 has a better chance of getting hit by lightning than getting married.

I am not looking for a “provider”, of course. But sometimes I think of old age, and I imagine looking back and regretting turning down a decent guy whom I could have for companionship when I’m old and feeble. But is that a good enough reason to give up everything I’ve achieved in the way of independence?? Just to “buy insurance”, so to speak, on the off-chance that I might get “lonely” when I’m 80? That’s not enough for me. God knows what’s going to happen decades from now. He says he would never allow us to become a typical “bourgouis” couple, but this is a slippery slope. A few months ago, he said he would never think of getting married, and look at him now. Next thing, he’ll want to move to Jersey and buy a riding lawn mower.

I don’t want to stay broken up with him permanently. I like things the way they are right now: We share the romantic and fun stuff, but household and finances are basically seperate. What’s wrong with that? I like and “open” situation like that. It gives the illusion of being young - that anything could still happen. I like the situation being not Settled. Marriage is like a dead end. It’s like the final step with no more hope for adventure or unexpected exciting things to happen.

Is he a jerk for changing on me like that?

2

I feel the same way about marriage. There is nothing about it that appeals to me. Maybe he’ll come to his senses.

3

Well, at the risk of being run out of town on a rail, I’d like to first say…I’m sorry that your relationship ended badly, and over the holidays to boot. It must be hard. And if you don’t want to get married, then don’t! Nothing wrong with that.

THAT being said…I also take issue with…well, most of your post.

First I’d like a cite that mutual gripes are more important than mutual likes, since it is, as you say, A FACT. I just can’t see a relationship based on a joined hatred of people or things (And I’m only assuming you don’t mean apartheid and injustice, but more like capers and the Western Suburbs) being a long lasting one.

I hope you’re joking with this one. My husband and I have been married for eight years and we’ve been through so much adventure and change that I relish having three days in a row where we’re at home doing laundry. We are not ‘bourgeois’. We are actors, I’m a writer and a personal chef. We travel alone and with friends, we go on vacations separately and together and he’s my very best friend.

Of course not. People are not robots, static pieces of pottery. They change and their needs change as they grow.

4

A. You are not wrong to feel the way you do.

B. You have a misconception of what marriage can be.

C. No, he’s not wrong for experiencing his own “clock” ticking, it happens to lots of people.

D. Let us know what you decide to do!

5

You said “What’s wrong with that?”

My take on the situation is that what’s wrong is that the two of you don’t want the same things out of life. He has decided marriage is for him. You have decided it’s not for you.

I’m not going to tell either of you to change your minds. I would encourage you both to decide whether you’re TRULY for/against marriage. If you two cannot reconcile your beliefs, then it may be time for splitsville.

Do you truly love him? Does he truly love you? Do you want to be in his life 10 years from now [regardless of the capacity]? If so, before you shut him out completely, you probably have a lot of talking to do. Maybe he’d be willing to forgo the actual marriage, if you’d be willing to compromise on something else.

I’d hate for you to let a wonderful person slip out of your life. But if it gets to where you have irreconcilable differences…

This is exactly why early on in my current relationship, I made sure my partner knew I was EXTREMELY certain that I do not want children. Better to know it up front on something important like that.

6

Were you at anytime living together?
Why not just give him that?
If he loves you, and you love him, then why not?

7

Harli – We never lived together, and I consider living together too close to being married (ever hear the saying: Familiarity breeds contempt?). Also, living together would mean that one of us (or both) would have to give up their rent-stabilized apartment – something you don’t do casually in NYC.

jarbabyj – I’m going to overlook that inflammatory comment about “mutual hatred” or whatever. No one said anything about that. You know full well that what I was referring to is making fun of the same things, sometimes to the point that we both laugh so hard until we cry. Gives a great mutual feeling of being understood without having to explain a whole lot. You don’t find a person like that very often. Apartheid? Hardly (he’s Jewish, for one thing, although he does not practice religion).

I just like the way things are right now, and there is no pressing practical reason why they can’t stay that way for a while. He is also good looking, and my son thinks he’s great. They get along wonderfully, and it would also be a major loss in my kid’s life if he were gone. I think it sucks that, for no good reason at all, it’s all of a sudden marriage or nothing, when, for two years, the present arrangement served just fine.

Additionally, we have broken up a few times in our relationship. Once you are married (or even just live together), you can’t do that type of thing casually anymore. Once you’re bound together in that serious way, if you have a fight, one of us can’t just walk away. There will be all kinds of belly-aching and pain-in-the-ass bullshit because you have to “work things out” all the time. Once you live together, you have to make an effort to get along most of the time, or else your household atmosphere would be unberable.

Am I wrong to want companionship and independence at the same time, in other words keep things the way they are now? I hate to bring up Europe all the time, but there, many couples live that way (seperately) their whole lives, sometimes even after having kids together, and they seem very happy. I know several couples like that. It seems to me that the absence of the day to day living bullshit is what keeps a relationship fresh.

8

First of all, I never said anything I intended to be inflammatory. You said “We hate the same things”. How is that different from ‘mutual hatred’? I understand you more clearly now, and no I didn’t know you meant ‘full well’.

Secondly, my relationship is very fresh. I am independent and I have great companionship. Two years ago I went off for a week by myself with a girlfriend to follow a band across country and party backstage. mr. Jar went to vegas for a week without me. I also don’t have to ‘make an effort’ to get along with him…because I LOVE HIM and I LIKE HIM, and I’d rather hang out with him at a bar and get drunk than anyone else. I’d also rather go grocery shopping or to church or to a movie or a baseball game with him than anyone else. He fits with me.

Hey, if you don’t want marriage, no skin of my nose. It’s DEFINITELY not for everyone. I’m just trying to get the point across that your view of marriage as a bourgeois, static institution is…well…wrong. It may be that way for some…but definitely not for those who don’t want it that way. Like anything else in life, marriage is what you put into it!

Good luck with your decision.

9

You realize (or should) that you’ve answered your own question: "Neither one of us seems willing to surrender our basic view on the issue. "

He’s changed, you don’t like it. Face facts and move on.

10

Look, as far as I know, there is no set-in-stone rules to marriage that say “this is how it is and there is no other way”.

IF, if, if, you ever did decide to do the deed, you two get to set your rules. Live it how you want it, don’t be confined by someone else’s “rules of marriage”.

As for when you argue, well hell, there is a kind of freedom in argueing when you are married. Yes, you can still walk away, if that is how you deal with it (not my personal fav). But you have that delicious freedom that comes with knowing that no one arguement will be “the relationship breaker/the big one”. You officially have the rest of your lives to finish the arguement, there is no rule there either.

11

As Andy Warhol said: Making fun of the middle class? That’s so middle class.

12

How is it that one can avoid regular work and yet can still have a fashionable apartment in NYC? Sounds shady.

13

Oh yes, he’s being a huge dick. What more could anyone possibly want out of life than a rent-controlled apartment in Chelsea, rich parents on the Island, poetry readings in a Cafe once a week and a girlfriend who likes to make fun of people who are like, so totally uncool that they live in New Jersey and own houses and have children? How bourgeois of him.

14

I second this.

And add to it: why does marriage scare you?

15

You dumped him on Xmas Eve? :eek:

How…warm…of you.

You’re right, though. You two marrying would be a mistake.
Just not for the reason you think.

16

No, that sounds like the premise of Friends.

17

I can’t believe how some of you are criticizing her. At least she’s being honest. Should she lie? Should she settle for something she doesn’t want just to keep a man? I certainly wouldn’t.

Not everyone dreams of the husband, the house and the kids. Some of us find the thought of it quite boring.

18

“Shady”, my ass. He has a trust fund (really). His father owns a small factory. His parents are filthy rich; I’ve met them. The family would welcome me with open arms. We haven’t gotten to that point yet (if we ever will), but knowing him, and knowing his folks, there would be no prenuptual agreements or anything of that nature. In other words, I could marry for money and security if I were so inclined. But selling out my basic beliefs and principels does not appeal to me. I am not a gold digger. My independence and autonomy are priceless to me, even if my lifestyle is on a smaller scale than it would be if I married into a family with money (big fucking deal). That is so superficial and simply not important to me. So, in summary, since I could get permanent security through this marriage and I’m against marrying in spite of that, this tells me that my convictions must be based on something real and valuable. For countless women would sell out their convictions in a flash, for the cash (rhyme not intended).

As for the apartments – who said anything about fashionable? I said “rent-stabilized”. Maybe they are fashionable, maybe not. This bit is beside the point and I will leave it up to the imagination.

19

You would feel that way. You have apparently set your entire “philosophy” of life, such as it is, in opposition to all things Bourgeois, Nuclear, and Stable, you will probably never find out.

Ultimately you have a decision to make. If living a fundamentally conformist pseudo-beatnik lifestyle is more important to you than marriage, then you have little choice but to end your affair permanently.

Call me an old-fashioned git at 24 years old, but I fail to see how a relationship in a terminally on-again/off-again limbo yields any hope of “adventure.”

20

I am! And so is my husband. What’s this guy’s number?

:smiley: