My brother in law, the putz. (LONG)

The BBQ Pit
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First off, I’m usually the last person to complain about in-laws. Through birth and marriage, I have been blesssed with a wonderful family. I have also been blessed with one complete putz of a brother in law. I can get past the fact that he’s over forty and has spent most of his adult life at home. I can easily ignore the fact that his personality regularly reminds people of Crispin Glover. I’ve ignored the times that he has bummed money from friends and relatives, as well as the number of girlfiends who dropped him after they realized that they were mostly a meal ticket for him. Never mind that the last time he left home, he stole his father’s truck and that the decision of whether to call him in for theft almost cost his parents their marriage. The fact that his parents may well have prayed that he wouldn’t come back home is not my business. Never mind that he’s back there anyway and shows every intent of sponging off of his parents until they die (it does bother me that my in-laws allowed this, but again, it’s not my problem.)

Now, it did bother me that when my wife and son went to visit last year, he yelled at my son for smacking his lips when he chewed and that, when my son said that he wouldn’t be bossed around by him, he went into a rage that drove my wife and my son from the house. It also bothered me that when my wife and son visited a year later, he yelled at my son for acidentally bumping a bird cage and generally went out of his way to make my wife and son’s visit an uncomfortable one. But what finally got to me was that, when my wife called later to talk to her mother, he laid down the law that my son “had better show (him) some respect” if he ever visited them again.

My son’s relationship with his grandparents hinges on his showing deference to this guy, regardless of whether or not he deserves it. This bothers me, so I called to talk to him.

He went on for a while… "Dude, this whole thing has been blown out of proportion! It wasn’t any big deal (yeah, my wife and my son hate you, and it’s no big deal.) "You know, your wife is the Drama Queen (Good, my wife and son hate you, you don’t care, and you feel free to insult my wife.)

So much for being reasonable. After hearing these two statements ad nauseum (which took about a minute), I calmly told him that I just didn’t think that my son should have to respect someone who was six times his age and was at the same station in life as he was. This somehow ticked him off. “I am responsible! …And, I’ll tell you what… I’m a CHEF!” Ok, he’s a good cook. So what: dependency and coercion are still his salient traits.

That was about two months ago. Last week, I offered to run a few cubic yards of gravel out to my in-laws land to patch some ruts in their caliche road (hey, it beats going to the gym.) I also offered to buy and add some portland cement to help it stay in place. My Mother in Law was overjoyed. I had a little more gravel left around the house, so I brought some out today. My Mother in Law started to help, but brother in law insisted on taking over.

After my Mother in Law left, he said “I wish you hadn’t mixed the concrete in with the dirt. I’m trying to keep this place organic, you know, and I don’t want all the chemicals around here.”

My response: “I’m sorry, maybe I’m confused about who owns this place. I figured it would be better to talk to the people who own the land and I didn’t think your name was on the title. I don’t think that portland is that bad anyway, all things considered.”

Some people get bothered by the truth.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to go anywhere, I really just wanted to bitch. Just thank me for sharing and I’ll run along…

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umm… Thanks for sharing!

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What exactly is so inorganic about concrete?

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You don’t understand, Cornflakes, that BIL thinks of the place as his property. After all, he was with them and supported them so when his parents die, then of course he gets 100% of it! This reminds me of a thread I need to start…

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I feel for you. Too bad you have to associate with this cock weasel.

Some fuckdrops with no power and little self esteem feel as though they must bully people who are weaker then they are (often children) in order to feel good about themselves.

Good for you for not automatically forcing your child to show respect for someone who does not deserve it simply because they are more advanced in age.

That said, I do advocate children respecting their elders in general and by default. However, if they are not worth or respect, the child should be able to stand up for themselves. Hopefully they can do this in a polite and civilized way. I.E. “I’m sorry that I bumped in to the bird cage Uncle Randy. It was an accident.” If Uncle Randy continues yelling at this point, the youngster should feel comfortable leaving the room and telling Uncle Randy to talk to you or your wife if he has any further comments about his behavior.

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Cornflakes,
It sounds like your BIL has a terrible case of “No Self Esteem, so I will make everyone respect my authority”.

Unfortunately, there’s not much that you can do for it, aside from avoiding his general presence. This may be difficult due to the fact that he’s probably there a lot.

Oh, good call on telling him off about the concrete thing. You may not have to say too much more to him about things like that. Once he realizes that you and your wife don’t consider him to be the big kahuna of the household, he may just shut up about it. Then again, he could just try to lord over you even more.

By the way, this line "I can easily ignore the fact that his personality regularly reminds people of Crispin Glover. " just about made me pee my pants. :slight_smile:

I hope things get better soon.

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Lip smacking can be pretty disgusting, though, if done by adults. Adults who have not learned how to chew with their mouths closed will be noticed, and very negatively. But from the OP and everything you’ve told us about your BIL I’d imagine that the smacking incident was just a brief slip, and that he overreacted.

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Wow, thanks for replying, people. Quite frankly I was embarrassed after posting this and, with no replies through the night, I assumed that everyone on the board was sparing me further indignity by letting the thread fall off the front page without a comment. The people I know who also know brother in law think I’m dead-on with this, but having spent the last day fighting misanthropy with misanthropy, to hear these replies from IRL strangers is still (strangely) reassuring.

I still feel that keeping quiet might be the more polite thing to do, but I have never known a situation to which the term disfunctional could be applied. A little blunt honesty is a refreshing thing in this case.

Amp, my best guess about the concrete thing is that Portland cement is a baked mixture of limestone and clay. The limestone is calcium carbonate, and therefore organic, but the clay is silicon based, hence inorganic. Actually, my best guess is that my brother in law is stupid but needed an excuse to do his shit.

tevya, I agree with all you said. One of the problems with this whole case lies in finding the line where a child’s need to respect their elders ends and the right to refuse to be bullied begins. At this point, I’m willing to write off my brother in law and use him in the future as an example of how respect is earned and can’t be taken.

Skerri, if you almost peed before, then get to a bathroom before you read further: I’m not kidding. When The River’s Edge came out, a number of people came up to my wife and asked her if she had seen it as there was a guy in it who acted just like her brother.

javaman, very true, but my son had lost his front teeth and it was harder than usual to eat without smacking. This was what he told my wife and mother in law when they corrected him shortly before bil joined in.

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For those of you who didn’t get the glover thing either.

You son had lost his teeth? So he’s 7-ish? You might try pointing out to you BiL how incredibly pathetic it is for a grown man to compete with a little kid.

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What a jerk your BIL is. You should have mentioned your boy’s lost teeth because it strengthens your case (even though it’s very strong to begin with). Given the lost teeth I conclude that your son is still really just a little
guy and can’t be expected to comply with all adult sensibilities. I also conclude that your BIL is incapable of making allowances for such special circumstances as this. Evidently he can’t give anyone else a 10th of the slack others have been cutting for him all his life.

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hey, Corn, until I read your post, I thought I had it bad. All in all, my Brother-in-law is a great guy I’m proud to call a friend, even if he does occasionally excercise bad judgement about automobile maintenance.

On the OTHER side of my family, I have a guy who sells this direct marketing MLM shit as though it were the second coming of Christ. I’ve often tried to explain to him that if he had ever attempted to put as much energy into a REAL job, he’d be a millionaire by now. Good deal he lives in another country.

But yours, yeah, that takes the cake. We lose John Lee Hooker, we lose Chet Atkins, we lose Jack fucking Lemmon, futhuchrissakes, and we keep people like that. [tongue in cheek]It may be proof of a supreme being and an afterlife. God don’t want the asshoes with him. [/tongue in cheek]

b.