My cat has lymphoma. I'm extremely worried about my mom coping with the loss of him.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I adopted a 5 year old 15 pound tabby from the ASPCA in 2010. He lived with me for a year in Brooklyn, but when I moved to Manhattan I was having a very hard time finding a place that would also accept a cat (I needed to live with roommates for financial reasons) so he went to Virginia to live with my mom.

A few weeks ago she noticed that his mouth looked funny and when she took him to the vet the vet found a tumor which was surgically removed and biopsies of the tumor and his lymph node showed that it was lymphoma. My mom made an appointment with a feline oncologist for further treatment, but there’s a two week wait for an appointment so we won’t find out until after Thanksgiving what his treatment options are.

The cat is acting like his usual self. He’s eating normally, hasn’t lost any weight (my mom thinks he’s gained weight actually since she’s been overfeeding him because she feels bad that he’s sick) and aside from being a little sleepy is still interested in playing like he’s always been. I don’t know if the sleepiness is anything to worry about since he’s always been kind of a lump. The vet said it’s a really good sign that his behavior has barely changed, if at all, but only the oncologist can know for sure what his prognosis is.

Anyway, as sad as I am about the cat, I’m mostly worried about my mom who is extremely attached to him. She has never taken the loss of pets well. Which no one does and I understand that being sad and depressed is normal, but the death of our guinea pigs would result in days of screaming, yelling, refusing to speak to my dad and I, etc. which I think is a little excessive for the loss of an animal. When our pet turtle got sick and she thought he was going to die she was so upset I initially didn’t understand and thought one of my grandparents had died.

My mom is in therapy for a host of other issues, but her most recent therapist just retired so she’s in the process of finding a new one which means she doesn’t have a professional to help her with this as of now. I’ve tried talking to her about preparing to say goodbye to the cat, having friends she can discuss the situation with, and not that I’m hasty to find a replacement for this kitty, but I’ve told her that as special as he is, there are other special cats out there too and another older fat cat would love to have a home when she’s ready. One of her friends lost a cat who she’d had for nearly 20 years and she got kittens after a few months. I suggested my mom speak to her since her friend will understand what she’s going through (and her friend is an example of someone who recovered from this sort of loss).

The cat probably has more than a year left unless the oncologist thinks there will be a rapid decline. So there is time to deal with this and say our goodbyes. I’m just afraid of my mom completely flying off the handle when he does finally pass. As hard as she took the death of the guinea pigs and potential turtle death, he’s a much bigger part of her life than they were/are (Turtle recovered and is still alive. I don’t want her to forget to take care of him because she’s so upset about the cat.), which is why I’m concerned about her not being able to accept the loss and not being able to function. I’ll probably come down to Virginia to visit her when it happens, but I can’t take a ton of time off of work and somehow I don’t think they would look too kindly on bereavement leave because of a cat.

My parents are divorced, so while I’ll inform my dad of what’s going on, he’s not going to be able to help in any way.

2

Sorry to sound callous, but if you can’t deal with pets dying, you shouldn’t have pets. Pets *always *die.

3

Yup, gotta agree with Alessan here.

But your mum sounds like she goes to the extremes of mourning too, which isn’t terribly healthy behaviour. Sure, it’s always sad to lose a beloved pet, yet in my experience people do cry (for a few hours) and are sad or even quite bereft (for a few days perhaps) but that’s about it.

Going troppo over guinea pigs and a turtle? Nope, something not quite right there.

If it were me, I’d probably NOT go visit when the cat dies. IANATherapist and all, but such hysteria sounds to me like it could be some sort of attention-seeking perhaps?? Maybe your mum needs to grow up a little and learn to deal with death without others around trying to console her and make everything ok again.

:dubious:

4

Your mom may just be the type of person who is… shall we say, ostentatious in her grief. I’m not qualified to say whether she really feels more upset than average, or just lashes out more than average. But I’d put my money on the latter. Just avoid her while she moans it out, she’s a grown woman and she’ll move past it eventually.

Anyway! Personality judgments aside, I recommend getting her another (younger) cat now. That way when your kitty eventually dies, she will have a reason to keep getting up in the morning without feeling like she’s prematurely replacing him. I know that, since I was finally able to get a kitty of my own, hugging her makes me feel instantly better no matter how shitty I feel. Being able to hug a cat while mourning another cat would work the same way, I think.

5

GREAT idea! :slight_smile:

6

I agree with Rachelellogram’s idea of getting a younger cat now.

Also, FYI, if you are lucky, the current cat may live longer than you would think, based on personal experience with our cat.

7

When my dog was seeing an oncologist due to her mast cell cancer (three year remission currently) I found out that lymphoma is one of the more treatable cancers in dogs and cats (finances being the primary limiting issue).

8

Thanks Rachelellogram, that is a really good idea. She might be concerned about the cost of two cats though, especially if one is undergoing medical treatment. I’ll see what the oncologist says about how long this cat is expected to live and we’ll go from there.

That’s good to know that lymphoma is one of the more treatable cancers. He must be in an early stage too if his behavior hasn’t changed.

You guys are right that someone who can’t handle the loss of a pet shouldn’t have a pet, but they really help her with her depression. The cat more than any other pet because he follows her from room to room and she sees him as her little friend. Unfortunately no animal is immortal (maybe she should get one of those 500 year old clams as a pet) so inevitably she falls apart when they die.

9

+1 on the second cat idea. Justify it as it being her cat’s “personal trainer”. See if you can spin it as a way to exercise and keep active/engaged the senior cat so that he has a better chance to fight off the disease and live a longer and healthier life.

Still, for the new cat, you might want to avoid cat names like “Chemo”…

10

I like that idea! And believe me, the older cat needs exercise. He was a big boy when I adopted him, 15 pounds, but he’s ballooned to nearly 20 living with my mom. I’m going to weigh him when I visit for Thanksgiving. I’m worried that his weight may kill him before the cancer. The vet did say he has a healthy heart though. I’ll talk to my mom’s friend who lost her cat and then got kittens. Maybe if she’s the one to bring up the second cat idea it will go over better than if I do.

11

dibs on a left-over black kitten with white paws, if there is one

I Promise that she will live in the lap of luxury, dine on the finest bags of treats, beg for (and probably get) some the very finest cuts of table scraps, sleep on the warmest basket of clothes (that have just been washed), beat an old ping-pong ball across the kitchen floor for hours on end,
and chase Mr. Sunspot across the floor beneath the living room and dining room windows for all the days of her life…

12

Unless you get the right kind of parrot. The larger ones can live to be between 50 and 100 years old. Responsible owners find a willing guardian and include the guardianship in their wills.

The down side might be if she has some stock phrases that she doesn’t want to acknowledge that she says that often.

13

I agree that this is a great idea, but don’t get a kitten. It would overwhelm and exhaust the sick one. Get a cat that’s a few years old, that can interact with the older one while giving it some space.

14

I think a cat in the 3-5 year range would be a nice companion for the cat and for my mom. We’ll see though. After reading more info about feline lymphoma I’m feeling more optimistic about the cat’s survival. His tumor was removed successfully and there’s been no weight loss which seems to be a key factor in the outcome.

If the oncologist gives us good news and he doesn’t pass away from the cancer (or bursting at the seams since she overfeeds him) I hope she’s accepting of the situation when he finally goes from old age.

Speaking of long lived pets, my turtle has a life expectancy of around 100, so my mom has set aside money so I can take care of him when she’s gone. He’s around 40 now.

15

Get mom a tortoise. Semi seriously. She’d be more likely to will the animal than to deal with its loss.

16

A giant tortoise that could wander around the house would be awesome, but I think the turtle we currently have is more convenient since he’s little and lives in a tank. Despite his tiny size, he should live quite a bit longer.