My children live with my ex wife. My children usually have a cough, cold or fever when they see me every other weekend. I notice that they are also gaining weight.
I’m not sure what their diet is like, but they mention drinking soda and Gatorade and eating dessert every night.
I’m concerned for their immune system and general health. I try to feed them well and give them lots of vitamins when they visit me.
How have other people handled this issue?
I handled it by maintaining custody. If you have even half custody that’s a fighting chance for the kids–maybe you should consider revisiting your custody agreement.
You give them lots of vitamins every other weekend? Just like that? Why do you do that, do you think they lack vitamins? Why do you think that, does any vitamin in particular concern you more than the others?
This. Also How old are the kids? My kids were old enough that I could discuss things with them when I had them, but 50:50 custody is what you should strive for.
And stop buying vitamins. Spend that money on healthy and delicious ingredients that you have the kids participate in cooking.
Can you talk to the ex?
Y’all should be on the same page. At least in theory.
Good luck.
Dessert every night? Call the child abuse hotline, this monster must be imprisoned.
BINGO.
I mean, we didn’t in my family, but it certainly was common in a lot of families I knew. Hell, my kids probably have some sort of dessert more days than they don’t (even though I never eat it.)
You should start with determining what their diet is like.
Lots of children have coughs, colds and fevers all the time, and though drinking soda and eating dessert every night isn’t great, it also isn’t the end of the world if they also eat well.
If by “give them lots of vitamins” you mean “feed them food with high micronutrient levels” great, keep doing that. If you mean give them a bunch of pills, stop it, unless you can have them checked out for actual deficiencies.
I think my kids have had a cough or cold or fever every other week or so this fall. Are you unaware that this fall everything has been going around and all kids everywhere have been sick all the time? Your kids being sick is probably a function of them… interacting with other kids… where they pass germs around. At school, if they’re at school, or at other group activities, if they’re not.
Although my kids do eat dessert every night (though they don’t drink soda), so maybe that’s it. (That is not it. Everyone my kids are at school with, dessert or no dessert, has been sick with all the same things.)
Yeah, it’s quite possible that the frequent minor illnesses are just a reflection of what’s going around. To the extent that it might reflect unhealthy lifestyle choices, I would be more concerned about possible sleep deficits than possible vitamin deficiencies. If they get to eat whatever they want at their mother’s, do they also get to stay up as late as they want or otherwise indulge less healthy habits?
Prolonged weight gain (beyond the requirements of normal childhood growth, of course) is also a possible cause for concern. It’s perfectly possible to be quite healthy while also being somewhat chubby, and you don’t want to screw up kids with body-image obsessions or draconian diets. But eating habits that are causing them to become increasingly overweight over an extended period of time can be a problem.
ISTM, as others have posted, that what you need is more information about what their usual lifestyle is actually like, not just isolated observations of their minor illnesses or their weight when they come to visit you.
And I concur with other posters that what you need to do is provide them with a healthy (but not punitive) lifestyle when they’re staying with you. Healthy food and exercise and adequate sleep, not vitamin pills.
I’ll go back to what @kayaker said. When they are with you, get them involved in cooking healthy meals. This is an opportunity to educate them about foods that really give them energy versus the kind of energy they get from just eating sugar. Some fats are great, some aren’t. Discuss the different ways they can find protein and ask them to try one they haven’t had before. Discuss how different athletes eat to be proficient at their sport. If they demand pizza, have them make one at home and be sure to serve it with salad.
For dessert, introduce them to fruits they may not have had. Have them help you make an apple crisp. Or do a cheese tasting. Don’t get too exotic, they’re kids and still have to develop a palate. But they can learn much with your help. You’ll be giving them a skill, and you may give them a lifelong interest in food and nutrition.
How’s the relationship between you and their mother? Are you generally on the same page in terms of putting the kids first? Do your parenting styles and strategies tend to line up? Are those strategies the result of discussion and negotiation or do you just kind of differ in styles but don’t actively discuss the issue?
Can issues like the one you’re raising here generally even be discussed without precipitating anger, hostility, resentment, and defensiveness?
I doubt that anybody needs an extensive history here, but – at least for me – a bit more information might be helpful.
Not to scare the OP, but if a child experiences a drastic weight gain (i.e. gets fat quickly) without a family history of obesity, and there are no medical issues that could explain it, that’s often a signal of sexual or other abuse.
How long ago was the divorce? Does the mom have a new boyfriend? Big changes can also be reflected this way.
With the COVID pandemic, everybody gained weight! “Shelter in place” meant “sit on the couch and fight over the TV.” Groceries were a hit-or-miss game, along with toilet paper!
The weather is uncooperative. Places are suffering from too much rain, not enough rain, floods, fires, tornadoes, hurricanes, and blizzards. Grownups want to crawl under the covers and hide from Life. Is it any wonder the kids are immobile?
First place to start is the family doctor. Let the doctor determine what they need or don’t need. Hopefully, the doctor can also do a basic mental health screening. The pandemic messed with everybody’s head, and a great many kids are suffering with depression.
Ask for a referral to a dietician, and you go with the kids to the appointment. Ask for handouts of food lists and recommendations. Let the whole family plan meals together, and take the kids grocery shopping. Bring the food lists, and learn to read all the labels.
At home, everybody cooks! There is a lot more to a meal than what you find in a grease-stained fast food sack.
If you have a yard, or access to a community garden area, plan a vegetable garden. Kids take more of an interest in food if they help to grow it!
Good luck!
~VOW
The op spent less than a minute in this thread two days ago. I doubt they will ever even read your reply.