My coworker has taken over my life - I feel guilty all the time

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

OleOneEye, please consider the likely possibility that your co-worker knows exactly what he’s doing to you - that he is intentionally taking advantage of your empathy and sympathy to get what he wants without working for it.

You described him as “He’s manipulative and passive-aggressive. He’s a whiny, self-pitying man-bitch.” He needs to fix his problems. It is not your job to fix everything, let alone him. If he’s older than you, and working, he must have found ways to compensate for his lack of schooling long before you were on the scene. Let him go back to taking care of himself. You can focus on taking care of yourself, and getting some joy back in your life.

He has pushed you before management for his problems - and therefore threatened your employment - without your full consent. In other words, he’s stabbed you in the back at work. He is making you feel bad on purpose. He has gotten in your head, in a bad way.

Focus on these things when you feel sorry for him.

I had to fire someone who had a bad family situation. I felt terrible! How could I fire someone who was sole support for unemployed husband, and kids - including a profoundly handicapped kid? Then a friend pointed out that I fired her for cause, after many mistakes on her part and many corrections to her from me. My friend said “How could she put her own employment in danger by doing so many bad things, given the precarious situation of her own family?” That made me feel better.

I advise you to find a way to disengage from this co-worker. Be polite, but no more. See how his own choices have contributed to his situation.

Also, IME friends are happy for you even if you have it better than them. A friend of mine has a boat - I could never afford one but good for them! A dear friend of mine barely has two nickles to rub together, but she was happy for me when I bought a house, sent my kid to college, etc. Someone who takes your good news and turns it back on you into guilt is not your friend.

I hope this helps you.

22

Ephrata, WA? I have/had family out there. Weird to see such a tiny place referenced on the Dope!

23

Not sure how old you are but I have a feeling you may just be exoeriencing a new emotion you are unfamiliar with. It might take a little bit for you to sort it out and put it into perspective but I have a feeling you will. When we leave home and our familiar neighbors and friends we start to experience new things. Part of the growing up process is learning how to deal with things that are new to us. My guess is you are just feeling growing pains.

24

Have you considered that your unhealthy obsession with your coworker is not only making you miserable, but your SO as well? What sense does it make to make your partner deal with this crap because you happen to work in a particular place with one particular person to whom you actually owe nothing?

If you can’t come to a rational understanding of this situation and it continues to affect your life, you need to do something different. A little band-aid solution would be to get a new job, the real fix is probably working with a professional to diagnose and treat the cause of this obsession.

25

I don’t have children for exactly the same reasons you mention. But I don’t feel guilty. I am glad I didn’t contribute to the overpopulation of the world. Doing good for selfish reasons is still doing good. Actually almost all good-doing is motivated at least in part by selfish reasons (I donate blood because it makes me feel good to help out, for example). No need to feel guilty.

26

Uninvested armchair analysis alert:

I don’t think this is really about your coworker at all. Is it possible you have something going on in your own life that you are uncomfortable with confronting, and you are distracting yourself by thinking about his woes?

I am a human services supervisor for a large metro county. On a daily basis, I see and hear some seriously sad and tragic stuff. It is my job from 8:30-5. Then I go home and give it not a second thought. Compartmentalizing is a skill that I had to hone of necessity, but it is one that most emotionally healthy adults utilize unconsciously.

27

As others have said, it’s good that you have empathy.

However you need to avoid obsessing, as you have your own life to lead (and the chance to make your family and friends happy, which is very worthwhile.)

You didn’t cause this co-worker’s problems, so try not to feel guilty.

Finally only read this spoiler if you feel emotionally strong…

‘Unspeakably hard’? Oh please. :rolleyes: There are homeless children who scavenge rubbish tips for a ‘living’.

28

If my partner spent hours every day whining to me about a co-worker I’d tell them to shut up about it or I’m leaving them and then they can spend hours every day whining to the plant.

There are children starving in africa. So you should stop eating.

29

I don’t agree that what your feeling is empathy,as someone suggested. Personally I think you need to get your head out of your a## and quit this, I don’t even know what “this” is.
Despite promising myself that I was too involved in life, “in being able to read a book and finish it,” in packing my bags and going away when ever I wanted, eating out if and when I wanted, too selfish to share! When I met my husband I warned him before he got involved not to stay with me if he wanted to have family as I was not the family type, I’d never get married, and I certainly did not want my life being slowed down with a kid! 6 years later and I became the proud wife of an amazing husband 2 years after marriage the worst thing in my life happened 2 forms of birth control failed and I became the reluctant mother of a little girl. 10 years on and I have the most beautiful talented daughter, because of complications I am now disabled, I live in a world of pain you can only dream of, I take 360mg oxycontin A DAY and that’s just my base line that doesn’t even cover the 40mg I can take for breakthrough pain and the other 36 tablets I take, my husband sorts my daily tablets every morning, then helps me dress, before he leaves for his full time job, he comes home, he looks after our daughter running her to her various after school groups, he looks after me helps me shower, tidies the house, does all the washing, shopping, ironing. Helps me to bed makes sure I’m comfortable, then gets our daughter to bed, he makes my lunch for the next day, then he may have an hour or two to himself, to read a book(he finishes it…eventually) he goes out twice a month to the masons, my mother-in-law baby sits me, sorry daughter! So basically my husband works 2 full time jobs, and he’s a dad. He could theoretically be your workmates, he works a low paid job and then has me at home. However if I thought for one moment he spoke about me, or felt like that I would insist he left, your workmate isn’t getting the “help” he needs and I promise that’s not your pity, or your cast offs or a meal. Not you feeling sorry for them and stopping your own life out of some misguided feelings of guilt. I’m in the UK we have a great charity group that helps carers, the VSA they offer help, advice how to get carers what benefits you can get to help you help your loved one. Sounds to me like your co worker is depressed. Find out if there are any similar charities in your area and pass on the details. I don’t tell you this to make you sorry for me and feeling worse, believe it or not I have a great life, someone who loves me for me that’s been proved so much over the years that it makes me realise how selfish I really was, my daughter is wonderful, starting to answer back, get a bit “hormonal” but no one told me you could love someone so much it hurts and despite everything the pain the six surgeries I’m not sorry for myself, I hope my husband has no regrets he tells me he doesn’t and wouldn’t change a thing, oh and I get to read a book all the way to the end

30

Or, to put it another way, imagine if starving people were told that people with access to all the delicious food they could want were voluntarily starving themselves because they were so sad other people had nothing. Do you think that would make them happy? You can’t cure misery with more misery. To throw away what others don’t have isn’t solidarity, it’s a slap in the face.

Sleeps nailed it in post #4, you really should talk to someone. This is unhealthy, obsessive behavior on your part and you should take action before you ruin your relationship.

31

Congratulations. You’ve manage to take someone else’s problems and make it all about you.

You feel guilty about having a privileged life? Then do something about it. Work to make the world a better place. Because of your privilege you have more resources and power to make a difference.

32

Not to get too far off the beam, but I’m curious how are you “co-working” with an illiterate man who can’t read or write?

33

</thread>

34

If feeling bad about your coworker’s misery improved his life or anyone’s life, then I’d heartily endorse wallowing. Except making yourself miserable and your partner miserable doesn’t do anything to help anyone.

The purpose of the pain you feel when you see other people suffering is to get you to help them. Pain is nature’s way of saying “don’t do that”. So either help your coworker, not because he deserves to be helped but because you don’t want to watch him be miserable. Or help someone else who “deserves” your help more. Or get over it and help yourself.

If you watched the news and saw the people who lost limbs in the Boston bombing, would you cut off your own leg because it wasn’t fair? How do you think someone who lost a leg in the bombing would react if they found out what you did? They’d think you were fucking crazy.

But that’s what you’re doing in this case. You have a coworker who is miserable, it’s not fair that he’s miserable and you’re not, so rather than helping him or ignoring him you make yourself miserable to make it equal. That’s fucking crazy. Like, literal crazy pants crazy. If you can’t snap yourself out of this viciously self-destructive mental attitude then you need some kind of counseling. Seriously, if I were your partner I’d put up with your bullshit for a week, and then I’d be reading the classifieds looking for a new place to live.

35

OleOneEye, I’m agreeing with the advice to seek counseling. The key words are “manipulative, passive-aggressive and unhealthy, co-dependency”. Best wishes for boundary recognition and personal growth.

36

I’m generally a happy and optimistic person, but still sometimes I get a depressing or disturbing thing in my head and it keeps annoying me. Sometimes it’s about something real, but it’s even been about something fictitious.

Consider the possibility that your problem isn’t really your co-worker or his plight, but you just have a negative thought stuck in your head, that you’re obsessing about? It has nothing to do with the “merits of the case” so you can’t reason your way out of it (even if you could reason your way out, from a logical/ethical perspective).

Consider the possibility of simply acknowledging that
(a) yeah, that’s how it is: life isn’t fair, but you’re not helping anyone with your negative thoughts
(b) you can’t solve the issue
(c) what you need to do is simply stop obsessing about the issue.

Consider the possibility that it really isn’t about your co-worker, it’s just a broken record or bad feedback loop in your mind. Stop focusing your effort so solve the issue on your co-worker’s plight – that’s really a side issue. The subject of an obsession isn’t really what an obsession is about, oddly enough. It’s about the obsessiveness itself.

It’s really tough to work through an obsession. I manage to, mostly the easy way, by getting involved in stuff, and it tends to fade over time, after which I think back and wonder what the big issue is (but try not to think to hard … don’t wanna get sucked back in!)

Great suggestion. Even if I’m right, that it’s really not about the subject, this is always good advice. And if I’m wrong, this is even better advice.

Here’s a REAL simple way to try this, an easy “starter pack”. Just volunteer at your local Habitat for Humanity. I can’t say loud or often enough what a great thing it is to volunteer there. It’s physical work, which IMHO really helps with a lot of mental/emotional issues, just by being good physical work. It’s cooperating with other cheerful people: good teamwork – and better yet, if you rub the wrong way with some other person there, they won’t be there next time. And it’s really helping someone. Better yet, it’s helping someone who’s taken steps to demonstrate the ability to help themselves, and not waste the opportunity that’s being given them.

So, next time you think about doing something fun on a Saturday but can’t whip up the enthusiasm, instead donate a day to HFH. Better yet, take a vacation day during the week and do it. My guess is that after a good day’s work and obvious progress on someone’s new home, you’ll feel better about a lot of things.

I do, even when I’m feeling good about everything in general.

BTW, the way to stop thinking about something is not to try not to think about it.

Good luck!

37

Those are real good reasons not to have children.

This means you’re doing the right things. If you want to do good for others on top of that, great, but you have to start with supporting yourself. People who try to do it the other way around are getting the cart before the horse.

You need to find out what Karma is. There’s the “Western” idea of karma, which is, if you do bad, bad will come back to you, and if you do good, good will come back to you. That’s not what karma actually means.

But I do feel that even the Western version of karma tends to be true: if you fill your life with positive good stuff, then you’ll be surround by positive good stuff. If you fill your life with crap, don’t be surprised when everything smells like crap. There needs to be no mystic force at play for this to work out; you simply reap what you sow.

So maybe you are a little self-involved. This thread is sort of proof of that: you’re complaining that you have it too good and are bothered by guilt. Well, if so, fix it: just start doing something for someone else. See above: Habitat for Humanity. Or any other volunteer group that strikes your fancy.

38

Could someone who can get through this put some paragraph breaks in it? I’ve tried to read it three times and can’t ever make it.

39

Tequila Party - I think it’s the run-on sentences as much as the missing paragraph breaks that are causing the problem, but I don’t want to mess with the quote by revising the punctuation (even though my editor’s heart is itching to do it).

40

Thank you. That helped some. If the person who wrote it could come back and add periods, then maybe all of us could know what’s going on.