My dad's death- how long am I going to be like this?

I guess I do feel a little apologetic for my grief- I’m 43 years old and should be able to cope with this. When I got the news that he’d died, I thought “Well, I did my grieving when we got the diagnosis a couple of months ago”. But ever since I’ve been back from the funeral, it’s like it’s hitting me a little at a time.

 I've spoken with 3 of my 5 sibs today, and they are having the same experience, which makes me feel oddly better.  And Mom seems to be holding up well.  

 I have been very moved reading all of the responses to my OP.  Thank you all for your comforting words.

It takes time.

We lost Ivylad’s father to cancer at the end of March. We got through the funeral, then pigged out at the wake.

The first year is the hardest, because you have to get through the first birthday, the first Father’s Day, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas without him.

We had hospice, and they send out newsletters after the death for eighteen months. The latest one had a very helpful point to me…“My heart has not caught up to my head yet.” Meaning intellectually they were dealing with it, but emotionally there were still issues.

It’s okay to miss him. And fifteen years from now, something will sting you and you’ll cry. But you’ll go on. We all do. He lived a good long life, and remember, he would not want you to spend your days missing him.

The little prayer pamphlet we had at Dad’s funeral was perfect. “Miss me, but let me go.”

Excuse me. I have something in my eye.

Has it occurred to you that your way of coping, right now, may be crying? It doesn’t mean you’re not coping if you cry, it just means that you’re hurting and that’s how your body wants to let it out. You have absolutely NO REASON to feel apologetic, your age has nothing to do with it, his death being expected has nothing to do with it either. Even when a death is expected, it hits hard when it actually happens.

I’m not trying to yell at you, but believe me, you have nothing to apologize for.

Katie
I agree with whiterabbit … you have nothing to apologize for and your age is inconsequential. We are never old enough to lose our parents. My dad died when I was 13 and I still think of him and feel sad that he is not here to know things about my life that would have made him happy. But somewhere in my adulthood I came to embrace the fact that I missed him so much. I missed him because he had been so special to me and I began to focus more on what he left me and less on that he left me. You will too. Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself.

I just want to reiterate what everyone else has said. You can’t just “get over” a loss so big. Heck, I occassionally tear up thinking about the dog I lost 5 years ago. My father’s been go for 6 years, and I still wish I could turn to him for advice. You got the better end of the stick. Can you imagine being raised by someone whose death didn’t bother you? Remember - if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t feel this way. Love is forever - that means you’ll always miss him. But you’ll gradually get to the point where the memories make you happy, not sad.

My most sincere condolences.

StG

My mom died about 8 years ago, I amazed myself about how well I handled it. Seemingly picked right up and went on with business. A good 2½ years later, I went to a therapist for an unrelated problem. Ended up bawling my eyes out for an hour over how much I missed her. End of “unrelated problem”. Cry = good! :slight_smile: