My daughter has breast cancer

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

She’s 30 years old, athletic, and otherwise in excellent health, and now she is facing surgery, possibly chemotherapy, and decisions that will effect her future chances of having a child. Fuck.

She discovered a lump in her breast back in November (?) and went in for exams, scans, etc. Initial indicators were that it was likely benign, but then test results came in just before Christmas that flipped to “likely malignant.” Confirmed shortly thereafter. I don’t have every detail, but there are no indicators it has spread beyond this tumor (at the moment).

She has opted for a bi-lateral, radical mastectomy, with no reconstructive surgery at this time. As she put it, “I hardly have any boobs as it is; won’t be that big a change.” Her surgeon has been great; she is very assertive and self-directed, and he has treated her like an adult and like a partner in her treatment. He pushes back gently if he thinks she’s being too hasty or extreme with a decision, but if she says, “no, this is what I want,” he respects that.

He thinks that, given the proximity of the tumor to the fascia over her pectoral muscle, he may have to remove a little muscle tissue. Fortunately, he is not anticipating removing very much. We won’t know anything about the lymphatic system until he removes the sentinel nodes during surgery, but as of right now there are no indicators that it has spread.

Her cancer is estrogen-positive, so she will have to make decisions about hormone treatments, possible removal of her ovaries, and other things that a 30-year-old shouldn’t have to think about.

She goes in for surgery on Thursday. The plan is to bring her to our house after discharge (we only live about an hour-and-a-half away) so we can baby her until her first post-op check-up. She has a friend coming to visit and stay with her in her apartment after that.

She is incredibly smart, driven, and self-reliant. This entire process has been heart-wrenching. I am fiercely proud of her ability to make decisions and stick up for herself, and so, so worried about her spirits. She has issues around control, and dealing with things she can’t control; this will tax her more than I think she knows.

My wife is, obviously, devastated and worried. Their relationship was pretty rocky through the teen-aged years, but they’ve grown so much closer in the years since. Still, there are moments when their personalities (which are incredibly similar) clash. They’ve both gotten pretty good at backing off when they can sense the other is getting annoyed with them, but under stress there’s always the increased chance that these tensions will elevate.

I’m the one in the family that keeps calm and gets shit done. I have my breakdowns, “off-camera.” For the most part, I’ve been OK. Call it naiveté, but I have faith in modern medicine, I like her surgeon, and it seems like everything was caught pretty early. But, if I think too hard about the mental aspect of this - about the monumental decisions she has to make, about navigating some better-than-in-the-past but still somewhat fragile family dynamics, about her mental health going forward (she has always had some body dysmorphia in one form or another, along with anxiety issues) - I just feel so helpless.

So - all I can do for now is be there when she needs me, and be there for my wife when she needs me. I am already stocking sone of my daughter’s favorite snacks, I’ll be cooking up a batch of my famous chicken soup, and I think there’s a “Firefly” rewatch scheduled for the weekend. My wife has spent the past few weekends sewing together a cute little duffle bag for the hospital stay, some garments to hold her drain pouches for post-surgery and that are easy to slip on with limited mobility.

I don’t know that I’m looking for advice or anything; I think I just needed an anonymous bunch of people to “talk” to. Given how the next couple of days will be, I may not get back to this thread, at least for a while, so my apologies in advance if I don’t reply. I’m not much of a believer in anything spiritual, but if you want to pray, or send healing energy, or just good wishes toward my daughter, I won’t say no to them.

Fuck cancer!

2

Good wishes sent. I too am a believer in modern medicine, and it sounds like she has a great support network.

3

I’m just going to put this thought out there: since your daughter is opting for a radical mastectomy, has she possibly considered having a double mastectomy? Having cancer in one breast increases the chances of it developing in the remaining breast.

My family is riddled with reproductive cancer, and I decided years ago, if I ever developed breast cancer, the girls would GO. My thought is cancer means that part of my body betrayed me, so I don’t want it around any more.

Lth an strength to your daughter, and much love to bind you all together for this battle.
~VOW

4

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

It is so hard to watch your child (no matter the age) go through something like this. It is such a helpless feeling. So making your special soup, buying her favorite snacks and looking forward to watching a favorite show are things you can actually do for her. It helps to have something to busy yourself with and have a feeling of usefulness. And don’t think you have to be “strong”. You can’t be in this situation. You have to let your feelings out somehow, somewhere. That is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of love and compassion and fear. You are being strong by letting your emotions out and feeling them. No one is stronger than a parent with a sick child.

5

no snark intended, OP states bi-lateral.

as a cancer survivor, I wish her all the best

6

She sounds young and strong, and it looks like they caught it early. Also, her attitude appears to be great. I have every hope that she is going to come out of this just fine!

7

I completely missed “bi-lateral.” Thank you.
~VOW

8

Rotten news. My niece lost her grandmother to breast cancer. Her mom got it and didn’t live long enough to see her graduate high school. After reviewing the genetic test with her mom’s (and grandmom’s) doc, she had a double performed. She was 19. 20+ years later she’s still clear.

9

I had breast cancer (invasive ductal carcinoma), and I think it’d be much tougher if my daughter had had it. I’m sorry you and your family have to go through this. A few thoughts:

Estrogen-positive BC is the better kind to have, I was told, because it responds to aromatase inhibitors, so she’ll have another means of helping ensure the cancer doesn’t return.

If you or your DD look at statistics, keep in mind that they’re always outdated, and the odds are actually better than what you see. My oncologist explained this to me. He said the advances in BC treatment are so rapid that even the most recent statistics, which are inevitably from studies started several years back, are inaccurate.

Finally, your daughter will not be able to sleep on her side or stomach for some weeks. I found it helpful to have a pillow on each side of me when I went to bed so I didn’t turn on my side while sleeping. Basically, I turned my bed into a sort of recliner.

In some ways, surgery may be a relief for her because she’ll be getting the cancer out of her body. I, too, had a long wait (two months) between diagnosis and surgery, and it was the worst part of the ordeal.

You sound like a wonderful dad. The nurturing atmosphere you and your wife are creating will be a huge help.

10

I had invasive ductal carcinoma five years ago. All I needed was a lumpectomy and radiation. Let me refer you and her to the VAST and incredibly informative site breastcancer.org. The community (and board) there is ginormous, well-informed, and can answer any question either of you has, no matter how detailed and obscure. This is scary, but today BC isn’t what it once was. Stay optimistic.

11

Best wishes to your daughter and you!

12

My mother is a 36-year survivor (diagnosed at age 50) and I’m a 2-year survivor. She had a modified radical mastectomy with no further treatment; I had two lumpectomies and radiation, and I’m still on hormone blockers and may be for the rest of my life. Every case is different, and I just want to tell the OP that I wish all of you the best.

(((((carlb and daughter)))))

13

An enthusiastic second to ThelmaLou’s recommendation of breastcancer.org. I got loads of great advice and support there. One caveat: people in the worst circumstances are understandably the most likely to post, so there’s a disproportionate number of posts from people whose cancer has recurred or who have stage IV metastatic cancer. It can be a little alarming/depressing if you’re not aware, so I was grateful to the user who pointed this out.

14

That sucks. I applaud her decision to remove both breasts. My mother died of estrogen-sensitive breast cancer. Due to the ridiculous amounts of estrogen coursing through my system and causing me problems, I no longer have ovaries, but still have my oversized breasts. Removing the estrogen source and not using supplemental estrogen lowers my chances of breast cancer but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Your daughter should seriously consider doing so, though perhaps freezing some eggs. I know it is a tough, tough decision.

Best of luck and best of doctors for your daughter, carlb. We’re here to support you should you need it.

15

Best of outcomes to your daughter. She sounds strong, sharp, and on top of this.

16

I’m very sorry. I had bilateral and I’m coming up on 5 years from surgery. There are online groups for young people with breast cancer if she’d find that helpful. I wish your daughter and all of you well.

17

Sending you and your daughter my very best healing thoughts.

18

If there’s a Gilda’s Club in your area, they may be helpful as well. If you don’t know, it’s an organization founded in the memory of Gilda Radner and provides support to people of any age or gender with cancer, and their families, friends, and caregivers.

I briefly posted on breastcancer.org but found all the stories from the people with repeated relapses, failed chemo protocols, etc. too upsetting and decided that it wasn’t the place for me.

19

Despite what I said at the top, I did read everyone’s replies. I appreciate the warm wishes. nelliebly, your post in particular was helpful; my daughter had covered pretty much all of that, but it was nice to have some reinforcement.

Daughter had surgery yesterday, and will be discharged around noon today. Everything went as well as could possibly be expected. She was in the OR for about 3.5 hours. Doc said the tumor was removed successfully, the sentinel lymph nodes all tested clear, and he was able to close flat as my daughter wished. He did his best to make the incisions as bilaterally symmetric as he reasonably could. He had to, “peel back,” (his words) some of the fascia over the pectoral muscle, but there was no sign that the cancer had moved into it, so there was no need to remove any muscle.

Last night began a bit rough, especially around pain management. My daughter is slender and very lean, with chronically low blood pressure, so the first time she went to the bathroom, she ended up near blacking out, which brought on a full-fledged panic attack. By the middle of the night she was walking to the bathroom well under her own steam; she just has to be careful about taking her time transitioning from reclined to sitting to standing. Around 2am she had the nurse loosen the compression around her chest just a little, and that helped a lot with pain. When I left the hospital this morning for our hotel room, she had eaten more than one full breakfast with no signs of nausea, and she was actually dozing off. She skipped her 4am Vicodin, so pain is manageable. She’s already got some Tylenol with codeine for this weekend.

The nurse has already shown me how to empty the two drains, and they will change her dressing before discharge. A home care nurse will visit tomorrow to check on her and maybe change the dressing one more time.

We’re going to set her up in a recliner in our living room. We were initially thinking the pull-out sofa, but it will be easier for her to go between sitting and standing from the recliner; she’s got a strong core. Lots of binge-watching, comfort food, and head rubs over the next couple of days (although she’s already planning to use the time to catch up on some CPE; she is her mother’s child).

The “best” part of all this? My wife came home from her last business trip for a while with the flu. We caught it early, and the urgent care place gave her a drug whose name I can’t remember that is basically Tamiflu all in one dose (I got prophylactic Tamiflu). My wife is already feeling much, much better, but we have obviously been keeping her and our daughter separated. I think the danger has largely passed (so does the doc), but we’re laying in a store of Lysol wipes, Purell, and face masks. Fortunately, our house is large enough that we can have the, “flu wing,” and the, “recovery wing.” :smiley: My in-laws are in town, so they will be able to fill in when needed.

So…obviously the process is not over, but this first big step went as well as could possibly be expected. The surgeon told me that when my daughter woke up, she immediately began crying, and when he asked what was wrong she told him, “these are tears of joy. They’re gone and I don’t have to worry about them anymore.” That breaks my heart a little, but I am glad she is in a good head space.

Again, thank you all for the good vibes. Once again, I will not promise to visit hear frequently, but I am telling everyone I can about the good news!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

20

That’s wonderful! I’m really glad she’s on the other side of the surgery and things are looking good.