I am not a parent, nor an expert in grief counseling, but I wanted to offer you my supporting thoughts in this very tough time for you. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Jesus-I’m agnostic, working my way to secular humanist and I find some of these answers to be cold, nasty and heartless.
A Kindergarten teacher was brutally murdered. What the hell does karma have to do with it? Not many 5 year old Americans are familiar with the concept.
Noone is suggesting a World Religion Course for 5 year olds. A passing recognition that SOME kids and SOME adults will be talking about heaven, hell, evil, God and angels, might help this kid.
Nowhere is it being touted that so called Christian beliefs should be taught to this kid. I think we’re all trying to help the OP and kidlet get thru a very difficult time (IF it is indeed difficult–she was only with the kids for a very short time).
The kids may be fine with it–it may well be the adults who make a huge drama out of everything (wouldn’t be the first time).
Whoever upthread said that s/he believed in heaven and God in the sky all the while being raised agnostic was dead on right. Kindergarteners are magical thinkers–they process things very differently than adults or even older kids.
But whatever happened to comforting the grieving? Again, noone is saying to lie (since it is considered a lie) to this kid about heaven, but to acknowledge that the subject will be talked about.
Well, I wouldn’t really phrase it that way (actually, when it comes to my kids, it’s out of my hands. Mrs. Dio believes in heaven and that’s that. I don’t get to expose our kids to my “atheist crap” until they’re much older), but I felt like Mr. Moto was advocating “being honest” by teaching something which has absolutely no evidence to support it. The truly honest answer is that there is no reason to believe that people have any surviving consciousness after death. That’s not a pleasant or comforting answer but it’s honest. I think that teaching religious viewpoints as facts is dishonest.
I have to admit, though, the “Heaven” story is much easier to turn to than nihilistic, hard reality. I have found it somewhat of a relief just to let my wife teach that people go to a happy place after they die because I really haven’t figured out a way to explain what I really believe without sounding callous.
Some of these “christians” just can’t help trying to get their prosletyzing toe in the door, even when they’re told it’s unwelcome!
I’d vote to send her to school, keeping her home just accents the tragedy, but you know your child better than any of us.
I might try to communicate to school authorities that I didn’t want my child directly exposed to the media hounds, but they should already know that.
Don’t overplay this. Give her the facts, as gently and truthfully as possible and let her ask whatever she wants. If she clams up in the next couple of days you might gently prod her to talk about it, just to see if she’s internalizing, otherwise let the child take the lead.
Slacker! 
You make a good point. If I ever have kids someday, as an athiest, I think it’s going to be hard to me to explain such things.
Anyway, sending good thoughts to your daughter and you, Pochacco.
Like Glenn Hoddle (who shows that there are such believers), I apologise and resign.
Yeah - maybe if you say something to the effect of, “If you feel sad, think of all the nice and happy memories of her, and she’ll always be with you in your heart.”
That’s how my mom basically explained my grandma’s death to me when I was 6, and it gave me some comfort. Before she had said anything about it, I was imagining my grandma existing trapped in a box underground, and I was a very scared little girl for awhile.
No self-respecting reporter is going to swoop down on a five-year-old without a parent’s permission. And if they do, call the station.
You need to reassure her that the Bad Man is in jail and won’t be hurting anyone else. Little kidlets are very self-centered (I don’t mean that in the negative way) and won’t understand this guy isn’t going to come hunting kids unless you tell her that.
As far as grief counselors, I would not encourage your daughter to speak to any unless she’s having problems a few months down the road. She needs to know that what she’s feeling (scared, confused, sad) is completely normal and that you and your spouse will be there for her to talk to.
My co-worker was murdered about a year and a half ago. I happened to be off those days, so I didn’t have to deal with the grief counselors, but I would much rather speak to my friends and colleagues rather than some stranger trying to get me in touch with my feelings. Grief counselors have a place, but not immediately after a tragedy. Only if someone is having problems coping should they speak to a counselor. YMMV, my $.02 worth.
Self-respecting reporters seem to be non-existant, these days.
Keep the kid home.
This is just a quick update since I got in late to work from all the business this morning.
I told both kids this morning on the way to school. (My son is a third grader there as well.) I told them that I had received some sad news the previous night after they went to bed, and that Miss Dasaro had been killed yesterday. (I opted for “killed” rather than “died” because she was young and healthy and I didn’t want to raise the fear of someone just dropping dead for no reason.) My daughter wanted to know why and I told her that I didn’t know all the details and people would be coming to the school to talk about it.
My daughter didn’t seem too upset. As I said, Miss Dasaro had only been her teacher for a week. She mostly wanted to chatter about it with her classmates, which caused a few problems since some parents hadn’t told their kids that anything had happened! :rolleyes:
The media was there in full force but were being kept at bay. They probably won’t be back tomorrow. This is L.A. after all, so this story will be forgotten as soon as the next tragedy comes along. The crisis team was there and had set up three rooms, one for teachers, one for students and one for parents.
I went to the parents’ meeting and learned that the kids would be talking about it with their teachers in their individual classrooms. In my daughter’s classroom her original teacher was back. Kids would go to the crisis centers only if they were having a hard time dealing with the situation.
I actually found myself getting pissed off in the parents’ meeting. A lot of the parents who hadn’t told their kids *anything * were getting nit-picky about how the crisis counselors were planning on talking to the kids! I’m sitting there thinking: “Hey, if you care so much about the exact wording of the news, why didn’t you tell your kid yourself?” I’d much rather my daughter hear bad news from me than from some stranger!
The principal came in and talked to us as well. She made a statement to the news crews this morning and that seemed to satisfy most of their urge for fresh meat. The school seems to be very on top of things.
On the whole “talking about heaven” thing:
Would you tell a Christian father in a similar situation to remind his child that some people think heaven is just a made-up story? Of course you wouldn’t.
We’ve had many talks with our kids about other peoples’ supernatural beliefs. We’ve told them that people like to tell stories about gods and magic and while some of these stories have good things to teach us, they’re not true. But we’ve also told them that people feel very strongly about the stories they believe in and that it’s not polite to tell them that they’re wrong.
We WON’T be talking about heaven with our daughter unless she brings it up. And if she does we will be maintaining our standard line.
I see there’s a pit thread about this. Please, if you want to argue this particular point, do it there.
Thanks everyone for all your good suggestions.
Pochacco, since you have a good handle on that aspect of that, I won’t bring it up any further in this thread.
Best wishes to your daughter and the rest of your family.
My cousin was murdered on her front lawn by her estranged husband before he turned the gun on himself and pulled the trigger. It was a fairly big story here when it happened, and my uncle was interviewed by the local newspaper. In it, he used the line “murder-suicides always seem to happen in the wrong order.” Your sentiment reminded me of that.
Emphasis mine
Did that sentence fragment get misplaced or do you have something against grief counselors?
Misplaced emphasis on your part, Wolfian. I got no guff with the folks who try to genuinely help.
When my daughter was in preschool, the minister of the church that ran the preschool left for vacation and was killed in a car accident the next day. He was driving, with his family in the car and fell asleep at the wheel. He was not wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the car and run over. His wife and the children in the car survived.
He had not been the childrens’ teacher, but they did see him often and considered him a friend. There was no media attention involved, so we did send the kids to school to be with the other teachers and people who had known him. There was also a memorial service (not a funeral) and we decided to take our daughter. It was a religious service and I’m not religious (though my husband is). Still, I felt it was good for my daughter to hear and see how many people loved the man who was killed and would remember him. I think it also showed that it was natural to be sad and to miss him and that that was how everybody felt.
Can I add something? Make sure to reassure the kid she is safe. A lot of kids think something might happen to them too, that if people can just go away and dissapear like that then they might, too. Please tell her you are there to protect her and she will be safe. I know we can’t control everything in this world but she may need to at least hear it.
hijack:
Sentient Meat I thought it was fun in a black humor way.
Kalhoun “where’s her nose?” just cracked me up.
[/hijack]
Any news on her exboyfriend, charboy?
True. You don’t know until the moment comes how a little one of this age is going to react, if at all.
What a horrible situation.
Good wishes to your daughter and her classmates, Pochacco. I hope they make it through okay.
Guys, can’t we have a thread where we offer sympathy and comfort in a time of loss without it spawning pit threads and heated religious debate? I swear, some of the replies in this thead make me want to pack up and go home.