I have the same problem, but my tormentor is human. Aaron loves to crawl onto my stomach. Sure, it’s soft, and Mommy has these great pillows on her chest, but more than once, he’s grabbed them and squeezed. Hard. He doesn’t understand that they’re not toys.
Airman is working on “Don’t Kick Daddy in the Fudgies” with him. So far, it’s not been that successful.
Robin
Now that I think about it, my first two cats, Faust and Chaos, taught me a little-known scientific principle – the “Principle Of Feline Expansion.”
Basically, it can be expressed as (C+T=x) where C is a cat, T is time, and x = the amount of two-dimensional space available. Any given cat will expand over time to fill all available space on a surface.
Y’see, I used to have a lovely Japanese dining table I used for a coffee table. Large square table, about two feet off the floor. Cats loved it. Faust and Chaos would snuggle up together in the exact center of the table and go to sleep, every night.
The next morning, every single item on the table would be on the floor. Every morning.
One night, I set up a friend’s camcorder to take a shot every thirty seconds. Got a great time-lapse view of what was happening on that damn table.
The cats, upon falling asleep, would first spread out like pools of liquid, and then, VERY gradually, would begin to move away from each other in a spiral pattern, nudging objects out of their way, WITHOUT EVER WAKING UP.
Eventually, the two cats would end up at opposite corners of the square table. All non-cat objects formerly on the table would now be on the floor. At sunup, both cats woke up, and left.
It explained a lot…
My largest cat is 21 pounds, and has small paws. He loves to stand directly on my bladder and tummy, staring me straight in the face as if saying “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I bothering you?”
Wang-Ka, you can NOT make me laugh so hard when I’ve just woken up. That’s simply not fair;).
Mama Tiger, he’s plotting already. I can see it in his eyes. I woke up with him curled up on my feet this morning and he doesn’t usually sleep there. Scared the crap out of me. And then he just stared at me with this “Move. I dare you. Try it.” look.
Skeezix, I’ll be home with my parents and we’ll all be downstairs watching a movie or something, and Oscar will come downstairs and do the ‘flip through the living room chasing air like a monkey on crack’ and there will be three adults in the living room laughing hysterically for a good twenty minutes. I sometimes question our ages.
TommyTurtle and MsRobyn, ditto on the above to Wang-Ka :D. Especially the part about kicking Daddy in the fudgies. Why does that just crack me the hell up?
cadolphin, my poor SO is afraid of what will happen when the cats and I move into an apartment with him. Early in our relationship, he was visiting me in NYC and we were half asleep/half awake one morning before I had to get up for work. Oscar came sauntering into the bedroom, jumped into the bed with us, got in between us, and stretched out longways in between us, forcing us to be about 2 feet apart. I kept trying to tell SO that this is just Oscar’s way of telling him to be nice to his mommy or Oscar will beat him up. We’ll see what happens when we actually move in together:D.
Ava
Our cat Owen does this. It is very disturbing. And when Owen does it, I always have dreams about being gnawed upon by dragons, because Owen’s breath is just that damn bad. Cat food breath is wicked.
And between Owen and another of our cats, Hallie, we have become experts on Wang-Ka’s “Principle of Feline Expansion.” Imagine for a moment the following scenario: two cats, two humans, and a king-size bed.
Guess who ends up curled up in a little ball in one corner of the bed with no covers and no pillows … ME!! My husband gives the hell up most nights and goes downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
Prime freakin’ example.
Same thing happens to my wife. Cat starts out on one CORNER of the pillow… and next thing you know, cat has WHOLE pillow, while she realizes she’s about to fall off the bed…
My kitten’s name is Oedipuss Rex. It turns out that this is a very appropriate name, because last night, I swear he was trying to get it on with me, his mother (he knows me as “Mama”).
I was up very late because I suffer from insomnia. I finally took a shower and headed to bed around four a.m. I found Rex waiting for me, nestled up in my comforter.
As soon as I lay down, Rex began to French kiss me, his rough little tongue trying to force my lips apart. (My cat’s breath smells like cat food!)
“Rex, stop it!” I giggled. I try to say his name every time I talk to him, because he’s just learning to respond to it. Unfortunately, it took me most of the night to realize that he definitely knows what his name is, and every time he said it, he thought it meant I wanted him to kiss me.
Anyway, I finally gave him a couple kisses on his neck (which he loves), and hoped that would satisfy his need for affection.
Not. Purring lustily, Rex decided that the kisses meant I wanted a full-on tongue bath. He started to lick my nose. When his tongue went up a nostril, I burst out laughing and turned my head to the side.
Rex thought I was playing hard-to-get. He began to nibble on my earlobe and then stuck his tongue in my ear. He also decided to start kneading my breast. :eek:
I didn’t have the heart to put the sweet little guy out of the bedroom, so this went on for about a half-hour before he decided he’d had enough. He then flopped his furry body across my head, with his little purr machine right over my ear so I could hear him basking in the afterglow.
I woke up at 7:30 a.m. to find him back at it. Licking my lips and “makin’ biscuits” (love that term!) on my sunburned neck.
“Ouch, Rex! Stop doing that on my sunburn!” I said to him. He responded by kneading my face and lips instead while he licked my closed eyes.
When I finally left for work, he was stretched out on top of the comforter, his stripey belly up. He sleeps like this when he’s truly exhausted. Rex looked so innocent. Not at all like the incestuous little perv he is. 
Heh. I just read this thread. And so now I have to chime in something about my cats.
My oldest, Kit, has actually been very, very well behaved in terms of letting me sleep. He never tries to wake me up to feed him, even since he was a little baby he’d always wait until either my alarm went off or the phone rang until he’d nudge me with his little nose and try to wake me up.
The problem now is that I don’t sleep very well. There are often occasions during the middle of the night where I will suddenly wake up and have difficulty getting fully back to sleep, but still be in a “mostly asleep” state.
Kit waits for these moments, and as soon as he hears my eyelids open, he jumps up on to my chest, since this is obviously the best time for me to be petting him. Then, since I think getting his back rubbed and ears scratched is about the closest a cat in his ahem “condition” can get to an orgasm, he starts kneading my chest with his claws.
This happened about 3 times last night, and I’ve got big scratch marks all over my chest from it.
And my other cat, Zippy, took a cue from Kit and is pretty good about not waking me up in the middle of the night unless he’s REALLY hungry. But, he won’t hesitate for an instant to start whining at me if he knows that I’m awake.
Aren’t they cute?
Ooh, Q.N., your cat IS a perv! But at least your cat doesn’t run around the house wearing your underpants around his neck, like Owen does … or DOES he?
Not yet. He likes to play with my bras, though.
Rex also jumped into bed with my sister the other night (his Aunt Libby) and bit her nipple through her pajama top! :eek:
How could I forget this? Rex chews my hair too. ALL THE TIME. If it’s wet, like it was last night, he goes hog wild. Apparently, chewing an owner’s hair is a sign of contentment in a cat.
I guess Rex was content to have me in bed where he could take advantage of me–?!?
Watch out for that cat, Q.N. - make sure you tell him that Fritz the Cat is NOT an ideal role model!!