My exboyfriend won't return any of my requests for me to pick up my personal belongings

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello everyone, I am out of ideas and frankly I’m hollow inside now. My boyfriend and I had been together for two years (weekends only due to the two hour distance we live) and after we went on our last long weekend trip…which was perfect, fun, romantic, just wonderful…he stopped contact 100%.

Quick background notes needing mentioning… We were together about 9 months when my Dad became ill and eventually passed away on their 54th anniversary. Although I have 3 older siblings, the care taking of Mom and helping her through this time fell onto me. I have been blessed with wonderful loving parents and would do anything for them. Well, the next year was super difficult. Mom was in a bad way, depresson took over, illness soon followed causing many hospital stays, all of which I needed to be by her side. Their friends had all passed away years ago, the neighbors wete always changing and just not friendly like years ago.

It seemed my only happy moments those days were when I was with my boyfriend and his kids. Although grown, the time with them still bring a smile to me. They had become my family and my ‘happy place’ and I looked forward to the rare weekend spent with them. …now, the time away from them is mainly filled with stress, tense emontions…when my then boyfriend did talk on the phone I would lash out. Snap at him, road rage while he was talking, then if his cell (or mine) would drop the call I would have a fit. The poor guy endured this for over a year before he walked away shutting all contact off with and his family. The thing is I never even realized I was doing it until I broke down and just cried at work. They had a grief councler talk to me and a month later I am in such a better place. My lashing out at him was how I vented all that was dumped into my lap. I never even had a chance to truely grieve my Dad until I lost my happy place. He was married for 20 years to a very unhappy emotionaly unstable woman who walked away from him and the three kids never looking back or wanting to see any of them. He became Dad, Mom, cook, maid, etc., all while having his own business. He’s an amazing person, warm, strong…and when you sum up the million little things, he is everything to me and I wish he and the kids were still in my life.

I have written in pen, a letter to him and mailed it 8 weeks ago. No reply. About a week later I sent a email…“Hi” was the only word. No reply. Two weeks after I sent a text asking how he and the kids were. No reply. All the books I read on the subject state Do Not Push or you will push him away. But after two months I called and again quickly explained via voice mail, where I wish the past year could be changed and that I am human. Overnight my life was turned upside down. I asked him if we were together the entire two years before he died maybe he would have known me better and realized I was dalling apart inside and just maybe he would have wrapped his arms around me so tight so no matter how I struggled he would kept telling me that we are going to figure it out. We are going to get through this. But he didn’t and here we are…apart. So I ended the voice mail saying I would like to drive up early before the kids wake to grab my things. Again no reply, and as sad as it was I drove up there and he wasn’t even home. Maybe he left extra early so he didn’t have to see me, but he didn’t even put my things outside for me to get. Yes, I called him and said…again via voice mail, that I am here just to pick my things up so we can both move on like he is proving he has. I don’t have many things which is why to me it is important to have these back. A point that I guess he made sure I would notice is a blanket I made for his 16 yr old who used it all the time, happens to be in the garage as the dog blanket. Ouch!

Soooo everyone out there. That is my story. How do I not only move forward and get my things back, but is it possible to get my entire extended family back?? My heart is crushed, twisted, beaten beyond repair.

2

Since the OP is seeking advice, it is better suited to IMHO than GQ.

Colibri
General Questions Moderator

3

The toughest part about breaking up is getting your stuff back.

4

I hate to even bring this up, but are you certain he is avoiding you, or maybe something else happened? Could he be in the hospital? In jail? Kidnapped by some mythical creatures that live below the surface?

5

I feel bad for all the things you’re going through. This is probably going to sound harsh, but I think you should forget your extended family. Even if he were to call you tomorrow, I would never speak to him again. He had every right to break up with you, but he was a coward to cut you out like that. He clearly has his issue. So, face that these are people (the children too) you will probably never again. Now, my advice to you is to figure out what things mean to you emotional and their value. If you feel they’re worth it, I would call the cops and then he’d have to let you in and get them. Honestly, I don’t think he’s going to let you in the house or even have the decency to give your things back.

6

Unless these items are really valuable, I would write them off and move on. Nothing good can come from trying to contact him or even thinking about the situation.

7

NM

8

Unless we are talking about very valuable things like a laptop or something of that level then simply forget it and move on.

9

It doesn’t matter why – the fact remains that you were abusive to him.

Move on and stop pestering him.

10

It seems like you’re sending mixed messages to him. Because on the one hand, you’re sending him messages saying, “I want you back, I want to be in your life and your family’s life. I’ve changed.” and all that sort of stuff, and on the other, you’re saying, “I want to pick up my stuff.” So maybe he’s scared that you picking up your stuff is just a way to try to get back into his life and with him.

I think if you really want your stuff, see if you can find a mutual friend to pick it up for you? That way, you get your stuff back, and your ex doesn’t have to see you.

11

Been in a similar situation and can relate.

Best advice: forget and move on. He and his extended family are not interested in having a relationship with you…this is clear; it hurts but it’s clear. Make a new life and move forward.

12

Looking at it from your ex’s point of view, you’re borderline stalking him. You treated him badly because of your own personal problems, he had enough of it and dumped you (not to mention the baggage he had from a woman treating him badly in the same way before), and you can’t seem to leave him alone.

What stuff are we talking about here? Could you talk to a mutual friend if it’s valuable stuff? If it’s just a few books and cds, forget about it and move on. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.

13

This.

I mean, even in your OP you only dedicate a sentence at the end to your stuff. The rest is about how badly you treated him and about how badly you want him back. Considering it took you months and a bunch of emails saying you wanted him back before you finally got around to asking about your stuff I don’t really think you care about getting your crap. You want an excuse to see him.

14

When you mention getting your entire extended family back, are you talking about his kids? I’ll agree with everyone else. You need to just drop it and move on. My WAG is that he tossed everything of yours. Like someone else said, you need to look at this from his POV. It doesn’t matter what was going on in your life at the time, all he knows is the way you treated him and it’s not something he has any interest in re-visiting, ever. As far as he’s concerned, that’s just how you are and the way you keep calling him, you’re not proving him wrong.

As for getting your stuff back, I’d suggest an email that says, in a very business like manner, “I’m going to swing past your house on July 28 around 4am for my stuff (or whatever time and day). If you have any of it left would you please leave it by the curb so I can grab it. Thanks”.
If it’s not there, just keep driving and don’t look back. If it is there, grab it, go and not even an email to thank him. But, if I were him, I’d probably just ignore the request or reply with something along the lines of “Everything is gone, stop contacting me, please don’t come to my house” The sooner you stop contacting him, the sooner you’ll get over it.

Also, another ‘from his POV’ thing. Think about what he’s doing. Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you stumbled across a random post on a message board from some guy posting about his ex that keeps calling, emailing, driving past his house…what advice would you give him?

15

I’ve heard people say “I was in a bad place” as an excuse for behaving extremely badly, and I’ve got to tell you IMO that excuse never held much water. The flip side is that he can look forward to walking on eggshells with you wating for that rage-o-holic re-emerge then you are under stress. No one needs that.

Move on and make a fresh start with someone whose perception of you is not colored by past bad behavior. You really need to stop wangling ways to get in front of him and walk away from this situation.

16

Did you notice what you wrote?

If you just want your stuff back, send him a letter asking him to mail it or ship it to you. I don’t think he wants any more contact with you, so, if you are hoping to drop by to pick up your stuff but with a further agenda that “you just want to clear the air/apologize/talk it over” I think he has already let you know that his answer is a big No Thank You.

For most people, enough is eventually enough.

Sorry. I know it sucks.

Regards,
Shodan

17

You know in your heart that the reason that you want your stuff is that you feel like some way, some how, if you can just find a way to see him, something will change.

I’m sorry, but it won’t. Relationships do not recover from stories like this. Whatever hope of having any kind of positive relationship with this man is years and years in the future.

Your choice now is if you keep your dignity or not. You can lose your last shred snooping, stalking and sending desperate messages. Or you can start that long painful road, which you are going to have to go down at some point, to recovery. One thing is for sure- if you keep up what you are doing, you will sabotage your chance of ever having any positive contact with him. Things that are meant to be may come back together after a few years of distance and personal growth- but not if you act crazy. Then you will shut that door forever.

Forget your stuff. Buy a copy of “It’s Called a Break Up because it is Broken.” Look in to CBT. “Feeling Good” did wonders teaching me to break the repetitive thoughts that come with a break up.

In the long run, work on your emotional stability. You need to be whole and happy in yourself- you can’t locate your “happy place” n someone else. That is too much to ask of them and sets you up for thi kind of instability. You need to find that center within you before you can have a whole relationship. Stop making excuses for your anger. There are people who survive concentration camps without ever lashing out at people they love. It is not the circumstances that made you act like that, it is how you reacted to them. If you don’t want to keep having the same problems, something has to change.

18

Your “happy place” has to come from within, not from the adulation of others. I think the ex perceives that your real goal is to get back together and he really has moved on. He is keeping his family intact as best he can without this major distraction that he felt was bringing them all down. You need counseling to resolve your issues.
Back off and forget the property. You have done without it this long. You can go forever if it comes to that. Given enough time and distance, you may be able to get those things back. If there is anything really worth anything, you can make arrangements through the police or sheriff for them to go with you and secure those items.

19

That’s an interesting way to put it. From your post it sounds like it took a lot longer than one night.

WRT to your question, it sounds like he’s moved on. If you really want your belongins back, you better send him another letter specifically detailing what you want back, and ask him nicely to put it in box(es) and send them to you and that you will reimburse him for the costs.

20

Your effort to blame him for your breakup is creepy and irrational. He did not need to be more forgiving. You had to be less of an abuser. If I got a letter from a man like the one you sent, after ending the relationship over verbal abuse, and then he did a drive by of my house, I’d be in court seeking a restraining order.

Quit while you’re ahead, move on, and leave this guy alone. You’ve done enough.