Well, my family is going through this now, and it’s not a lot of fun for the wife of a man who comes out. They are still married. My brother-in-law is off “exploring his sexuality” most nights and drinking way more than he ever has and treating my sister like a maid. The kids are both over 20, and he’s sort of told them…actually, it was his daughter who pretty much outed him. My kids and I know…I’m the shoulder my sister cries on while she tries to figure out how to conduct her life as a wife/not wife…and his new friends know…but not his work or his church or his family. We would be fine with this if he wasn’t being such a jerk. We don’t care if he’s gay or bi or whatever. We just want him to grow up and act like a man. He’s 52. My sister and he have been married for over 25 years, and all this had started in the last two years. My sister is the one who is trapped now…she’s not the kind to ask for a divorce…not yet…and he feels free to go do what he pleases, while she puts her life on hold. I hope she’ll be able to find the strength to insist that she be treated better.
And I hope I never have to tell my mother about this. She truly wouldn’t care that he’s gay, but at 84 her heart will be breaking for her daughter.
I’m pretty sure my ex-husband is so deep in the closet that he’s practically in Narnia. I don’t think he’s admitted to himself, even. It’s very sad. I’m really looking forward to the day when he comes to terms with himself. If that day ever comes.
I can only hope, for my ex-husband’s sake, that there is an uncomfortable conversation in my son’s future.*
In my situation, certain patterns emerged over time. There were so many little things that were just odd about him. And some big things. And these weren’t anomalies. They were things that remained constant over time. I’m not just talking about things that were obviously sexual.
I tried out various hypotheses to account for the strange behavior, and the only one that fit was “he’s gay and he’s miserable because he’s living a lie.” As I went back through time and analyzed some of the things that had happened over the years, my confidence in that conclusion became stronger. There could have been some confirmation bias there, but I can assure you that I really didn’t want my husband to be gay.
My son is 7, but has shown a remarkable level of perceptiveness with regard to reading people. So I can totally imagine the ex sitting my son down to lay this big bombshell on him, and my son saying “Er, yeah. And the sky is blue. Wanna order some pizza?”
Because helping to save lives and helping take care of people in some of their worst times of illness isn’t manly?
And women have sex with women all the time. That’s not really all that “manly” either.
Hey, you can’t just give us half the story and expect us to be satisfied! What happened after that? Did they accept that your revelation was real? Or does the whole family just ignore it like it never happened?
Could you give us an example of the little things you mean? Not that it would be terribly helpful to my sister at this point, but it would be nice to know if there were similar instances.
Though I really think she should have had a clue when they didn’t have sex for 20 years. She did complain about him having a low sex drive…sigh.
Well, it’s not like she called me and told me she was going to start voting Republican.
This is not “coming out.” This is “being an asshole.” Gay or not, he made a commitment to his wife. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too–the options are (1) come out and get a divorce, (2) come out and stay married but celibate, or (3) come out, stay married, and you and your spouse both have people on the side but you’re both okay with having an open relationship (and there are very few people who can really have a stable one, and a recently-out gay man and his wife are probably not them). The wife needs to grow a pair and kick him to the curb.
Feel free to PM me if you like, but I’d rather not give details here. I’d get nitpicked to death. Every example does have a perfectly legitimate alternate explanation, but as I said, the pattern really adds up. Occam’s razor and all that. I’ve discussed it with a few people who really seemed to want to prove me wrong–after all, how could a guy who was married and has a kid be gay? :rolleyes: And he doesn’t seem gay! :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I’m finding this thread very comforting, because it’s nice to hear from people who accept that many gay men are perfectly capable of having sex with women. And aren’t necessarily flitting around in a feather boa singing Liza Minnelli tunes.
There is nothing more tragic to me than a closeted homosexual. I have known too many, and it breaks my heart. I’m really glad your Dad felt comfortable sharing this with you. It means he loves you.
My favorite ‘‘coming out’’ story was when my best friend came out to her Dad. She was sooo nervous.
She said, ‘‘Dad, you know my friend Kim? I love her. As in, I kiss her and stuff.’’
His gruff reply? ‘‘Well, just don’t let it affect your schoolwork.’’
Well. The -ard is an “agent noun” suffix (drunkard, coward), so it should properly be bast ard. Obviously your mother is a person of inadequate education. Sniff.
Trust me…I have experience…
