My Father, the Lover-of-Women- That-Could-Be-His-Daughter

My parents divorced about 5 months ago (although they were seperated long before then), and both of my parents have begun to date again. The whole idea of them seeing other people, as well as bringing said people into my life, really bothers me. I know, I know…They can do what they want; they’re single adults. I can tolerate my mother’s relationship, because the guy she’s seeing is kind, friendly, and easy to talk to. However, the woman that my dad is dating is not someone I can get close to. Here’s her deal:

1.) She is twenty-four years old, while my dad is almost fifty.

2.) She smokes. Now usually, I don’t have a problem with smokers. But when she makes our house reek of it, it becomes my problem.

3.) She has three children already. That’s not the bad part. Pardon me if this offends anyone, but all three of her kids have different fathers.

This woman has been with many men before, obviously, and I really don’t want her to become a part of my family. It will only be trouble. The whole idea sounds suspicious to me…Girl has kid…has kid again…has kid again…is low on money…needs someone to lean on…suddenly has an interest in a much older, financially secure, recently divorced man. I don’t think I would be able to live in the same house as her should she move in here.

Sorry, I’ve needed to share all that with someone for a long time. Please, share your thoughts, advice, etc.

It’s hard to give advice without knowing your situation, DQ. The advice that would apply if you’re 23 and graduated from college clearly wouldn’t work as well if you’re 17 and still have another year of high school ahead.

My advice to your dad would be: get a vasectomy. But that’s another story.

Yeah, my dad did something kind of similar when my parents split up. The thing that you have going in your favor is that your parents’ divorce is still recent. I’d say that your dad is just trying to show himself that he is still attractive to women. This woman is just taking advantage of that. I’m not saying that he’ll come to his senses tomorrow, hell it took my dad at least a year or two, but I’m guessing that this new girl won’t be around too terribly long. There will probably be a couple of “trophy” women to take her place, but your dad should come around eventually.

Don’t worry about this woman becoming part of your family. Chances are good that she won’t be around long. If your dad is anything like mine, it is a major mid-life crisis. My dad bought a Corvette, started dating these young women, and had an apartment in a “hip singles” type of complex. Now, 15 years later or so, he’s settled down, bought a condo, drives a regular car, and goes out occasionally. The change was gradual, but he’s more like the dad I was used too.

Don Quixote, I wish you the best. It’ll be tough for a while, but it does get better.

Tommy The Cat is probably right. It pretty well sounds like it.

Your Dad is probably assuring himself that he’s still ‘got it’, something a lot of divorcees do. It’s real flattering to an older man to have a much younger woman interested in him, though in his case, it’s not going to be anything serious. Right now, having a ‘slutty’ girl is probably good therapy for him.

Buy an air filter for the house. Those things get rid of a lot of the smoke smell.

Most guys, after any breakup with a long term love interest, go out and find a relationship based mainly on sex until they start feeling better. Just sit tight and ride it out.

Of course you realize your father can date anyone who pleases him and although your approval is not required, your disapproval is hurtful to him.

I’ll take your comments point by point

  1. Her smoking bothers you.

Tell her it bothers you. If it is your house tell her to stop. If it is your father’s house and he allows it, there is not much you can do about it.
2. Her age.

24 is relatively young, but she is not a child. She is over the age of consent. It doesn’t bother your Dad, it shouldn’t bother you.

  1. 3 children–all by different fathers.

Why those kids whould be taken out and shot for not being whole brothers and sisters—Gasp. Doesn’t that sound a little ridiculous. When you said “pardon me if this offends anyone” you were acknowledging the fact that was an offensive comment. Obviously the woman had had at least 3-(4 if you include your dad) sexual partners— How many have you had? If you have had less, you are either very young or you don’t get out much or you have a steady partner. If you have had more, you are about average. It appears you think this fact illustrates that this is a woman of questionable moral values–please explain. Did it ever occur to you that she may be a little vunerable and so willing to love that she has made poor choices in the past. Is she making a poor choice now?

Your last paragraph reveals the real problem. You perceive this woman as a threat to your whole world as you know it and that she is trying to replace your mother–as if. You think this woman is a gold digger, after your father’s money, and by proxy your money. Whatever he spends on her and her children–all of questionable value–is less left for you. You think this woman is of low moral character and is not good enough for your father. Is that about it, Hmmmm?

You state you don’t want her to be a part of your family and that there will be trouble. I have no doubt of that 'cause you will make it–you have to, who else is going to save your father the saint from this bad, bad woman? You say “I don’t think I would be able to live in the same house as her should she move in here”. Are you making threats already?

Listen, as a child of divorce–I was 11 when my parents split–I know it’s a hard, confusing time. I felt like if my parents can stop loving each other, what’s to stop either of them from deciding they just don’t love me anymore either. I know my comments are probably upsetting to you. I don’t mean them to be, but these are things that need to be said. You may not like me for not agreeing with you; that’s OK I can take it. I still like you. You sound like a sensitive, caring guy–no doubt raised with wisdom and the love of a father and mother who although they may not be together anymore, still love you very, very much.

The human heart has an infinite capacity for love. It can make room for a new love even when it is filled to overflowing with an older love. Everybody needs to love and be loved. Your father is human. He is a full-grown adult who is going into this new relationship with his eyes wide open. I’m going to ask you to take your father’s feelings into consideration,and knowing that he will always love you, set aside your fears and anger and give him and her the greatest gift imaginable–peace.