OMFG!!! My mother is doing it AGAIN!!!

The BBQ Pit
#1

I just found out a few hours ago that my parents are getting a divorce. I know that, given the attitude of my mom, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I thought they were getting along better. And my mom has been almost human in behavior for about a year now. I’m really upset. Seriously, I’ve actually been crying.

Turns out that she’s been dating this guy she met for 3 months. Now she’s divorcing my dad and marrying him and moving to Maryland! He has a 16 year old daughter too. And at least one other kid, I think. My God- How many fathers does this woman want me to have in my lifetime? I mean, I’ve got a biological father that I don’t remember, my dad, who sweetly adopted me when they got married, and now I’m going to get a new step-father? And new step-siblings?

And, get this- She thinks I should be all happy about it! Nevermind that my little brother has been all fucked up over it for days, that she’s been cheating on my dad, whom I love, that she’s been selfish about the whole thing! I’m not saying that they shouldn’t get a divorce, because clearly they SHOULD, I guess. But for cryin’ out loud! To ask me to be HAPPY about it She actually had the nerve to tell me that my brother and I aren’t supposed to talk to each other about it AND she asked him not to talk to his friends about it. Who the Hell is the poor kid supposed to talk to?

You know what stupid, childish thing has me most concerned? That my dad won’t really interact with me anymore once the divorce goes through. I mean, I know he’s been my dad since I was five, but I’m not REALLY his kid, ya know? What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me because I remind him of my mom?

Oh, and she actually said to me “You’re 25 and you’re married- Why does it matter to you if we get divorced?” Maybe because she’s giving me a whole new set of relatives and fucking with the only family that I’ve ever had? What the fuck am I supposed to do about Christmas and stuff like that? Try to go to 3 places? And if I can’t and choose my dad over her some year, what then?

And this new guy… What am I supposed to do with him? Call him my step-dad? Pretend that I give a flying fuck about him? Just accept that I have a couple of new siblings now all of the sudden and act like I love them? ( I know it’s not his kids’ fault, and I’m not blaming them, but still…)

Am I too old to be this upset?
:frowning: :mad: :frowning: :mad: :mad: :frowning: :frowning:

#2

Yeah, you have a right to be upset. In my own circle of existence, my father-in-law, who was widowed for one year, remarried rather abruptly to a lady who had a 21 year-old daughter (and was less than a year older than his oldest child). My wife is still having a difficult time with this, even though he has done nothing dishonerable (stupid? well, he did tell my wife that he was getting her a new mother. That was stupid).

Frankly, your mom is being an idiot as well. Of course it effects you, and of course you should care. She didn’t stop being your mom at 18 (well, here’s hoping), and I sure hope that he doesn’t stop being your dad, despite your mom’s scuzzy behavior. Unfortunately, your mom has made your life more complicated, more difficult, and more stressful.

#3

No, one is never to old or young to feel hurt by childish antics from people you love.

Perhaps it will reassure you to share my wife’s story-this is almost verbatim what happened to her, although she was only about fifteen when it happened. Twenty years later, her mother is now living in a trailer with her fifth husband-but the two are finally starting to build a relationship again, after mostly not speaking for those two decades. And my wife’s stepfather, and her two half-siblings from that second marriage, are all still part of her life. It hurt, and made all of their lives difficult for quite a while, but three of the four children (two from the first marriage, two from the second) have gotten past everything and grown up into normal, productive members of society. She got to see them all again (except her mother) when she went to the funeral of her stepfather’s mother this past summer, and they really are a family, in spite of the past turmoil, and in spite of the fact that my wife and her sister aren’t ‘really’ her stepfather’s kids. He adopted them, he helped raise them, ultimately the blood ties don’t matter as much as that …

#4

Thank you, vodyanoi and SCSimmons. It’s nice to hear that I’m not being ridiculous in feeling upset/angry/sad/let down.

#5

I would be upset as well, but there’s only two options available to you: accept what’s happening and make the best of it, or withdraw from it all.

By accepting it, you give yourself a chance to have good relationships with new people. Your adoptive dad will still want to interact with you if he loves you. Families are made of more than just blood. Your mom may not be using her head, in your opinion, but it is her decision to make and your decision to make the best of it.

If you withdraw, all the bonds in your life that are important to you will be weakened.

Be strong. You can do this. You can find the good in the situation and use it to enrich your life.

#6

In my humble and totally non-expert opinion,

(1) you’re perfectly justified in feeling upset.

(2) you and your brother ought to be able to talk to whoever you want to about it. It’s unreasonable for your mom to do whatever she wants and then expect everyone else to be happy about it and react the way she wants them to.

(3) you’re old enough to decide for yourself how much, if any, contact you want to have with people, such as your mother’s new husband and his family.

(4) I sure hope that

is not the case. Do you have any evidence for it that came from your dad (not your mom)? If not, I wouldn’t worry about it, and I don’t see any reason why this has to distance you from your dad. If he adopted you and was there for you while you were growing up, he is your dad.

#7

I can tell you this. After a while, you stop trying to think of them as “step-mom” or “step-dad” and they just become your mom’s husband or your dad’s wife. My mom is on husband #4, and I just found out yesterday that my dad is preparing for wife #3.

You eventually get numb to it, or at least I did.

You have my deepest condolences. If the man is your father (by blood or by law) and that’s how you think of him, be sure to tell him this. If your mom is being stupid, that doesn’t have to impact your relationship with him.

#8

No, you are not being ridiculous, and don’t let anyone tell you that you are.

The emotionally crippled response would have been to shrug off this disruption in your relation with your father (and your mother).

Yes, it sucks. And it will continue to do so. But you will work out strategies to deal with the sucking, so you can continue to maintain contact with your parents.

No matter if either of them does something upsetting.

Regards,
Shodan

#9

Sure it’s upsetting, but I think you’re a bit old to be letting your mother tell you who your family is. You know, it isn’t all about you.

#10

Thank you very much for all your input, Kalhoun, Thudlow Boink, Lord Ashtar and Shodan. I am starting to feel a little better now. I talked to my dad a bit ago. He assured me that he loves me for me and will always be there for my brother and I- no matter what my mom does. :slight_smile: I think I pretty much knew that, but what a relief to hear him say it! I really love my dad.

KarmaComa, um… Thank you for your input, too… I guess. My mother isn’t exactly “telling me who my family is.” I’m just not sure what to do with these new people who will be related to me by law. No- It isn’t ALL about me. I made that clear, I think, when I voiced concern for my brother. And it obviously involves other people as well. THIS POST, however, was all about how I am feeling. But thanks all the same. :dubious:

#11

Make sure your Dad knows that you still want him to continue to be your dad. He is, I’m sure, upset and might not know where your loyalties lie unless you tell him point blank. If he’s not sure you still want him he might act standoffish because he is afraid and that could cause a huge misunderstanding.

Talk to him.

Sul.

#12

Yikes!
note to self…read the last post before opening mouth

:stuck_out_tongue:

#13

LOL! Thank you all the same, Sulinar! (I have done that, too. :slight_smile: )

#14

When I last spoke to my dad, he was on his third wife.

That was almost fourteen years ago. I have absolutely no idea what his situation might be today.

I’m much happier for having moved on.

#15

In every real sense, you are REALLY his child. Please don’t belittle yourself or him by even entertaining the idea that his love for you and contact with you will disappear simply because his relationship with your mother has changed.

Your mom is being a complete ass, and is clearly too wrapped up in herself to consider anyone else. Hell, she’s even taking steps to shelter herself from the fallout by asking you not to talk about it with your own brother! The mind boggles. But, just because she is being an ass does not mean that you can’t grieve for her relationship with your dad, and for the dissolution of the family as you knew it. What you can do is express to your dad and brother how much you love them, and how whatever actions your mom takes won’t and can’t impact what you have with them. You’re an adult, and you can choose to maintain the relationships important to you. If you need to, take a break from your mom for a while, and focus on the rest of your family. I’m sure they’ll need your support as much as you need theirs right now.

Best wishes.

#16

My father always told me that your mother was the woman who bore you (with a few notable exceptions to the contrary) and your father was the man who raised you. Whether he was your ‘father’ or not.

I think your stepfather will be more than happy to stay in contact with you - you’ve been his daughter for as long as he’s been your father, you know, and he watched you grow up. That’s a pretty hard thing to walk away from.

#17

You can call this man whatver you want; personally, I’d call him “my mother’s husband.” At 25 nobody should be expecting you to welcome him as a new PARENT for God’s sake. My mom’s husband (she’s only on number three) is a great guy and we get along okay, but he is NOT my father. Sometimes for convenience I refer to him as my stepdad, but I don’t think of him as a parent. My father is dead. (Ten years this May.) Facts is facts.

You and your brother SHOULD talk about this. Whoever else you or your brother want to talk about it is your lookout, not Mom’s.

And if you’re worried that Mom is going to do something to keep your dad from being in touch with you, talk to him about it. Let him know that you don’t want to lose touch just because of the divorce. He is your dad, and in the long run, that shouldn’t change.

I’m sorry about this mess.

#18

Thank all of you for your advice. I have talked to my dad about everything and we are not going to let this change our relationship. I have invited my little brother to come stay with d_redguy and me, if things get too hard for him. (Since, right now, my parents are still in the same house, ala “War of the Roses.”) He doesn’t think he’ll need to, but he appreciated the offer. The two of us have agreed that my mother has no right to tell us who to talk to about the situation. She made her bed. If she’s ashamed of what she’s done, then she shouldn’t have done it.

The worst part right now is that, originally, my mom was just going to take her stuff and leave. But now she wants to sell everything that they jointly own and split the profits. I don’t know what makes her think that she has a right to anything. She cheated on HIM! But if it works out, my brother, my dad and I wil be left without the home we’ve always known. Granted, I don’t live there anymore, but it’s the house I grew up in. It’ll be hard to not have that to go “home” to when I visit.

The new husband-to-be… I guess I’ll be as nice to him as is merited. I haven’t met him yet. I hope he’s a nice guy. But I also hope he won’t be expecting me to treat him like a family member. He’s not. He helped break up MY family. My mother can’t possibly expect that to endear him to me.

But I am feeling better about the situation as a whole. Thank you, everbody, for letting me vent!