Okay, here goes…
I was sitting at my desk this morning, when I got a polite message from my bladder suggesting that I take a moment out of my busy day to relieve it. Being the sort of person who enjoys doing good works (particularly for the benefit of my own personal internal organs) I decided that I would humor the said bladder with a trip to the restroom.
Blithely, I tripped down the hallway (tripped as in walked, not stumbled. I didn’t have to go thatbadly) to the ladies’ room, never suspecting that I was soon to come upon a most unladylike scene. I pushed open the door, and wrinkled my nose delicately at an unwelcome odor. Perhaps I should have balked at this, but I am made of tougher stuff. I would not be put off.
I entered the sole stall, and blinked in startlement at the sight that greeted me. I had naturally expected to see only the gleaming white of the porcelain throne, the burnished steel toilet paper dispenser (replete with the accompanying paper) and a freshly emptied wastebasket. But what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an evil thing, a dark and wretched object crouching hideaously on the seat, and scowling up at me as though I had absolutely no right to be in any sort of restroom facility and, in fact, should probably never have been born at all.
For there, on the back of the otherwise spotless seat, was a turd. A smelly, compact turd, of moderate size. I would guess it was perhaps two inches in length and 3/4 inch in width, though I had not had the foresight to bring a ruler. But this metric digression is unneccessary. For regardless of size, it was a terrible, unclean, beastly thing.
As I backed cautiously away, and returned to my office, too shocked to do the sensible thing - either dispose of the monstrosity myself, or find another bathroom - I reflected upon the poop’s placement, and the events that had led thereto. How could this have been an accident? I cannot imagine how a person situated as one would customarily be in mid-toilet use could even REACH the spot where this defecatory gem had settled. I must, therefore, conclude that foul play was involved (and it would be play most foul, indeed). Someone placed that shit with malicious intent. I can only pray that I was not the intended recipient of this prank, and merely an unfortunate bystander.
As I sit here, my bladder still unrelieved, fervently do I hope that no fate such as has befalled me will ever curse another. I entreat you all, Dopers Dear, to be most vigilant in your own toilet use (as I am sure you are), and that you add to your counter-ignorance campaing, a crusade against misplaced excrement.
Humbly and desperately yours,
Kn*ckers
