My former LDR girlfriend's mother just tried to kill herself over the move......

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year. We went through some rough spots (there was another thread about this somewhere on here) but once we patched things up, she decided she was ready to move to NYC. This plan has been in the works since early November. She was currently living with her parents (she’s an only child, 21 years old), and although they were sad that she was moving out, they supported her decision. However, her and her mother have been at odds and fighting almost constantly ever since this decision was made. Her mother feels like she is abandoning the family and doesn’t appreciate all that her parents have done for her, while my gf sees it as an opportunity to move to a bigger city, get a new job, and in the fall go back to a college that she has already picked out, applied to, and been accepted into.

This move was supposed to happen 2 days ago, and her mom found every excuse she could to delay the move, up to and including the announcement that she couldn’t afford the insurance on her car in my state last week, and that she would have to be driven here by her instead. The weather delayed them from doing the drive over the last two days, but now that it’s cleared up, she was throwing a hysterical fit, and they only got 2 miles away from the house before the car was turned around and her mom locked herself in her bedroom. I encouraged her to keep arguing with her, and try to make her see what a baby she’s being. After all, if she didn’t want her to move out, she should have just said NO at some point over the last two months, or at least before they had the entire car packed up and new furniture purchased and delivered here. She said she would do that, and that was the last I heard for a couple hours. And now, I just got the call that her mom overdosed on something and was brought to the hospital. She is going to be okay, at least physically.

This brings up a couple questions in my mind. At first, I thought that her mother was just having a normal motherly reaction to her baby leaving the nest, but is THIS normal motherly behavior? Is this somewhat my fault…did I give her bad advice? I had this feeling last night that something really bad was going to happen today. I don’t believe in foreseeing the future, but I get the impression that I had that feeling because subconsciously I knew something like this was going to happen. I don’t know that much about her mother’s mental history, but I don’t think she’s ever tried to kill herself before. And what is the right way to handle this? I realize now that this move is going to be delayed, and should be the last thing we worry about, but what is the best course of action to take? I mean, if her mom is that passionate about her not moving, should we cancel it? Should we be more concerned about trying to get her some kind of mental help, and still proceed with our plans? This is the first time in a long while that I really don’t know right from wrong, or which is the “best” solution vs the “right” solution, and which is which…

2

First of all - this is not your fault. Be supportive of your girlfriend, of course, but this (IMO) is not the fault of either of you. Don’t buy into the guilt trip and don’t let your girlfriend buy into it either.

Mother needs help. How long is her daughter supposed to stay at home and be mommy’s widdle girl? I am really sorry she chose to put your girlfriend (and you) through such a bad situation, but I hope she will get the help she obviously needs.

As for the move - I would advise asking Mother’s doctor what s/he recommends. A “tough” approach would be to go ahead with the move to show Mother that hysterical behavior doesn’t have positive rewards. I don’t know if your girlfriend would be able to do that without a doctor’s approval.

Where is Dad in all of this?

3

This is NOT normal behavior. For crying out loud, your girlfriend is 21. Even if her mother didn’t want her to move out, she can’t really stop her, short of physical restraints.

Children are supposed to grow up and leave the house and forge out on their own. It shows you’ve done a good job as a parent.

The mother needs to get serious counseling, your girlfriend needs to get the heck outta Dodge, and you need to seriously consider what type of trouble this woman will cause if and when you ever get married to this woman’s “one and only baby, her whole world.”

Your girlfriend needs to do what is best for her, not for her mother. She needs to go ahead with the move, start school, get her new job, etc. Staying behind for her mother’s sake will only hurt her and stop her from starting her own life.

4

She told me earlier today that her Dad agreed to drive her, but can’t do it until his next day off from work, which is Jan 1. I didn’t even get into the second part of this (which is more about me than her or her mom), which is that she was supposed to meet most of my family for the first time tomorrow night at a party, which is one of the reasons I was encouraging her to do this move TODAY. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly to tell my family when I show up alone tomorrow.

All I know now is that her dad is with her mom at the hospital. He always seemed like the much more stable one.

5

Oh, I would not want to be your girlfriend, just trying to live a normal (not with her parents) life, and have her mother pulling a stunt like that over it. Your girlfriend has not done anything wrong (and neither have you), but I’m sure neither of you wants to feel like the one who caused her mother to commit suicide (which wouldn’t be accurate, but I think that’s how you would feel regardless). I think both mother and daughter need counselling; the mother because she obviously has issues that make her want to prevent her daughter from growing up, and the daughter because that is a heavy guilt burden to carry (and it isn’t her fault, anyway).

It’s never fair when someone uses a suicide attempt as a way to control someone else’s actions; your girlfriend’s mother shouldn’t get what she wants because she attempted suicide, but how does a daughter leave right away after her mother has done this without feeling like a major heel? Yup, I’d be talking to someone who knows better how to untangle this psychological knot.

6

Tell your family there was an illness in your girlfriend’s family, and the move has been delayed.

How does her dad feel about his wife’s stunt? I know when Ivyboy was heading off to college, I had my moments, but Ivylad was there to keep me from going off the deep end. Why didn’t her father step in and tell his wife to cut it out? :confused:

7

Your girlfriend needs to get away from her mother’s controlling ways, she needs counseling to help her learn who she is, and what she wants. This didn’t happen overnight, this is a set pattern of behavior. That woman has been controlling her daughter, or working to manipulate what she does, all her life. She may not even realize how her mother has been pulling her strings to make her dance to the tune of her (the mother’s) choosing this whole time. She might have spent her whole life, rebelling against “what mommy wants” but in ways she has probably still fed the cycle. She needs to learn how not to feed into the cycle anymore so she can find happiness. Good luck. :frowning:

8

I just got another update from her. Her mother is well enough physically to be released, but her doctors want her to start attending alcoholic meetings. I’m not sure if that can be legally enforced or not, but I hope she goes.

Her dad is still going to stick to the plan of driving her here on Jan 1. I just hope to og that her mom doesn’t find another way to interfere. Thanks for the advice everyone - I’ve finally realized that it isn’t worth worrying myself over someone like that. I was always more concerned for my girlfriend, but this wasn’t her fault either. In a selfish way, I’m actually somewhat relieved now, since I was supposed to be spending today cleaning, and since I spent all afternoon worrying over everything, I didn’t get anything done, and now I have another day to get things ready once I get back.

9

What does your girlfriend say? Is she anxious to move to NYC? Has she visited her mom in the hospital?

I’m glad her dad is driving her to you…sounds like she’s getting out just in time. I can’t imagine a mother being so selfish as to try to stop her child from growing up.

10

Ok so let me get this straight, they did not commit her for attempted suicide and they instead told her to start going to AA? What’s up with that? Is she a closet alcoholic? Or a blatant one? I really feel sorry for the woman, she needs some serious help.

I’m very surprised they did not admit her for attempted suicide, I thought that was normal protocol. If she has an alcohol probelm, and a problem with letting her daughter go on with her life, and depression of one kind or another…there needs to be some serious counseling going on here.

I truly feel for you. Stay strong for your girlfriend she is going to need it.

11

I’m getting to this late, Fusoya.

I’d like to add my own voice to the others telling you that you, and your girlfriend, have done nothing wrong. And that her mother needs some serious help. I’d also like to hear just how long distance this move is. It sounds like you’re saying that her dad will be able to bring the car to NYC, unload it, and get back home in one day. That is not a move to the other side of the world, which just makes the mother’s actions even more incomprehensible to me.

I also want to point out to you, with an idea of it being something you could pass on to your girl friend, one of my standard lines: Being selfish is not always wrong, or immoral. I’m having trouble considering your girlfriend’s mother’s actions in any way other than as an emo kid’s attempt at emotional blackmail: “If you leave me, I’ll be so devastated, I’ll have to kill myself.”

If that’s an accurate assessment of what her motivations were, my gut feeling is that your girl friend is being faced with a choice of either throwing down the gauntlet, and moving anyways, or living the rest of her life within a short range of her mother. I’m not saying that your g/f should move today, or even necessarily on Jan 1, though that’s my gut inclination; what I am trying to say that is that if your girlfriend rewards this behavior by canceling her move, she’s effectively told her mother that she can control the daughter by threatening suicide.

Obviously this is, in practice, going to be a Hellish line to balance along. I’d really suggest having your girlfriend talk to her mother’s therapist, once she gets one, to see what the therapist’s advice might be. Failing that, at least talk it over with her father.

FWIW, this is my toned down, and kindly post. My original one was a bit more vitriolic. I have a couple of hot-button issues. Someone trying to control others through guilt is one of them. And suicide, itself, is another one. If you think that may taint my advice beyond usefulness, I wouldn’t blame you for that conclusion. I really just want to offer some ideas for you to think about, and to possibly suggest to your girlfriend. You’re closer to the situation than I am, after all.

On preview: Philosphr, without knowing the exact situation I can’t quite fault the hospital, though I’ll admit I’m surprised. But some other concerns that might have factored into the decision: If the patient were adamant about wanting to avoid being committed, it’s rare to force it, even with drug suicide attempts. Forced treatment usually ends up just being a waste of everyone’s time, efforts and money. Another idea is, if she’s being released after less than a day in hospital, my cynical side is saying “she ‘ODed’ on vitamins, or something else that she was pretty sure were going to be mostly harmless.” But, I’ll admit that’s based as much on my knee-jerk reactions, as anything concrete. And, if the husband has been acting as an enabler (which, given the history here, I have to wonder whether it’s possible) he may have insisted on her release tonight. And it’s even harder to hold someone in patient if their next-of-kin are trying to get them out.

FTM, given the social and economic repercussions for being known to have had inpatient psychiatric treatment, there may be some concerns that I can’t call unfounded behind the release, too.

12

Not necessarily. There was probably an assessment of the seriousness of the behavior and the stated intention at the time and on evaluation, coupled with the fact that there was a competent adult to send her home with. Often at the hospital, even people who were self-injurious decide that no, they won’t kill themselves, and that statement is sufficient to release them if there are no other indicators to the contrary. We don’t know what happened in this situation, but it’s harder to get committed than you’d think. This is a good or a bad thing, depending on where you’re standing at the time.

13

I really don’t know the details of what is happening in the hospital, and I also don’t know if she’s actually been released yet. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for SOMEBODY to try (force) her to get help. She has a reputation for being an alcoholic … the first time I met her, she asked me to split a bottle of wine the second my girlfriend left to take a shower … and I’ve heard plenty of stories about her getting mean or stupid when she’s drunk.

She’s definitely anxious to get here, and she told me that no matter what, she will be coming here on Jan 1. Next time I speak to her, I will definitely pass along some of the advice mentioned here, particularly the “if you don’t escape now, you will be controlled for the rest of your life” part, which I think sums up their relationship extremely well.

14

Actually, I’m not sure that you passing on this advice is that good an idea.

You might wait to talk with her father when he shows up and see how the land lies. For you to say that she needs to “escape” (to you) or her mother will wreck her life just might come across to either the GF or her father as one more controlling action by someone.

Support her when she is down.
Tell her at 21 she is ready to strike out on her own.
If the mother starts employing guilt, find ways to show that he remarks are driven by her own issues.
Reinforce the idea that her mother’s problems are her mother’s problems.

But I would stay away from claims that your GF needs to escape or that her parents/mother are/is going to destroy her life.

15

Forget the Dad driving here there on Jan 1st bit; it’ll never happen – Mom will find some way to stop it if she’s out of the hospital by then.

Why the hell are you sitting on your ass in NYC while all this is going on?

Get in your car, drive down there, pick up the GF, and drive her back! And do this before Mom gets out of the hospital. Or don’t they have planes/trains/greyhound buses wherever she is? Tell her to get onto one of them and come to NYC.

Tell the GF that leaving while Mom is still in the hospital is a great kindness to her – she will not have to go thru the emotional scene of her baby daughter leaving while she is still recuperating from her suicide attempt. Much kinder to have it all over with before Mom gets home.

16

Word.

17

see, there’s this unique thing about us New Yorkers. WE DON’T OWN CARS!!!. And she lives out in the boonies of Pennsylvania, so she isn’t really served by public transit, which is one of the reasons that 90% of the time, she visits me here. Believe me, if it were easier for us to get from one residence to another, this moving decision wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Plus I’m sure I’m the last person in the world her mom wants to see right now. She’s gone dark since the last time I talked to her, about 4 hours ago…at this point, I don’t think getting directly involved myself is going to help things.

18

Perhaps a friend or her dad could drive her to the Amtrak? Looking at the route map, anywhere in PA is an hour or two from the route. Just a suggestion.

Good luck!

19

I agree. Otherwise, you risk becoming the focal point of everyone’s frustrations and history will be rewritten to make you the problem.

20

Shoshana, I’m afraid you’ve got a good point there. I wish you didn’t, but…