My friend had me fooled...

Please don’t nitpick about my grammar in this post. I usually proofread, but this time I just can’t. I need to type and vent.

I met my friend Alicia in 1987. We hit it off right away. Same sense of humor. Dry wit, “I don’t give a shit” attitude. Her friends met my friends and we all matched up well.

I admired her for her ability to talk to anyone and get a group of people riled up to do something fun. I admire her party hosting abilities, poker playing skills and good aura. Things didn’t really get fun until Alicia got there.

She had a long term boyfriend that she loved, but knew he would hold her back in life. I admired her strength in doing what was best for her and turning away from a man who loved her, but not enough for her.

Alicia, met, dated and married a hard working home builder. He was handsome, good hearted and a bit shy at first. Yin yang.

She had always wanted to be a mother, yet things weren’t working in the fertility department. After many tests, hormone injections and such, the doctor suggested she lose some weight. Through the years Alicia’s weight had steadily increased and she embarrassingly admitted to me one time that she was closing in on 300 pounds.

She didn’t take the easy route. No weight loss surgery. She changed her eating habits, took up kick boxing, sweated her ass off and lost 120 pounds in just over a year.

Almost immediately, after reaching her weight goal, I received an email one morning of a picture of a positive pregnancy test. The baby she fought hard for was finally a reality!

Baby Jesse was born and he was long and lanky like dad, but had dark wavy auburn hair and deep set eyes like hers.

She overcame boundaries in her career too. her big regret was dropping out of high school in 10th grade. She grew up poor and no one in her family really expected her to have lofty goals, but she eventually got her GED, went to night school and received a bachelors degree in business and got an excellent position in the corporate world.

I remember she was terrified the first time she had to make a speech in front of a couple hundred colleagues. She sucked it up, overcame it and became an old pro at job presentations, making off the cuff funny toasts at company parties and she even spoke at my wedding and had the crowd laughing.

Her son Jesse, turned 9 years old last week. Alicia wrote a post on Facebook the night before his birthday along with a selfie of the two of them together. The post said, “Jesse wanted to stay up past midnight to feel himself turn nine tonight. He asked me, Mom? Do I look different now?” He is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

So I said she had me fooled. Yes. How? Well, she isn’t part of the demographic. They say most suicides are of the very old or very young. Alicia was 47. Women who kill themselves usually use pills or poison. Men more commonly use a gun. Alicia used a gun. Considerate of her to blow her brains out in the bath tub so not to make a huge mess. She had a large group of close friends she had known for decades, yet none of us ever had an inkling she was suicidal, let alone depressed. At all. There are usually signs. She had just enrolled her son in a new school. Was getting new carpet installed in her living room next week and was looking forward to a relaxing boat ride with friends this weekend.

I’ve known people before who have taken their life. I’ve seen signs of depression in them and had reasons to think they might possibly one day end it all. I even had the unfortunate task of discovering one friend asphyxiated in the garage. In fact, Alicia was the one who sat up with me all night while I cried about the loss of my friend and how gutted I was finding him that way.

Now, the son she practically jumped through hoops to conceive and loved like crazy will forever celebrate his birthday with his moms date of death looming over him a few days later, every year for the rest of his life.

Just in a hazy, stunned fog all day. She fooled me. Never in a million years did I see this coming.

My condolences to you, Alicia’s family and all her friends.

Oh, wow, that’s awful.

I’m very sorry.

I hope that your friend has finally found her peace.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My sympathies. I’ve been too close to doing the same, but I finally realized what it would do to others. I am with you in grieving for your loss.

What a horrible tragedy. I don’t even know her family, and my heart hurts for them.

My son is almost the same age as hers. I need to go give some hugs.

Some people can master hiding their demons; they’ve spent a long time doing so. We never, truly know all there is to know about a person, we all carry our own secrets. After so long, the demons could be suppressed and hidden no longer. And in this instance, they’ve come out in the most heart-breaking and tragic of expressions. I am so so sorry. I lost my best friend to suicide. We had been out partying the night before. You have my empathy and my compassion.

Oh my gosh, sweetie I am so sorry for you and everyone who loved her. Peace to you, whenever it comes.

I am so sorry to hear that this happened. That poor little boy. :frowning:

It must be extremely shocking that someone would do this when everything seemed fine.
Perhaps she was just amazingly good at hiding it. I think many of us try to make our life sound awesome on facebook even if there are a lot of problems, so maybe it’s not that surprising that all she posted about was the one bright spot in a lot of badness.

I think it IS possible though that there really wasn’t any warning and this was an impulsive act. Maybe something happened that night that just pushed her over the edge. Perhaps she was not at all involved in alcohol or drugs, but I know of a number of people who made an impulsive suicide attempt because they were intoxicated on alcohol or drugs and weren’t thinking straight.

Again, very sorry to hear this. I hope you and her family can find some peace and know that this is not your fault in any way. :frowning:

That is just awful. I’m so sorry for everyone involved.

Gun?
I’m very sorry you lost your friend. No one ever knows another person’s mind

I am so sorry. I would say I know how you’re feeling, but I think we all feel differently. My heart goes out to you and more than that, to her son.

Is it being investigated as anything but a suicide?

That is really strange.

None the less, sorry for you pain.

That was what I wanted to ask.
Guns aren’t usually a womans choice… I don’t want to make the writer feel worse(if that were possiablea)

I’ve often wondered if those people would be better off if they didn’t.

How horrible… HUGS Prayers for you & her family.

My condolences go out to you and her son.

Thank you everyone. I was so mentally exhausted I just woke up from a long sleep. All your words mean a lot. As far as an investigation, no there is none. Everything leads to suicide. Her husband is the hunter/ fisher outdoorsman type so I know they had guns.
Apparently, Alicia developed a bone spur in her heel and her doctor told her to stay off her feet for several days. She took Monday & Tuesday off work. Her husband was scheduled to work a long day Tuesday so their son went to spend the day with his cousins so Alicia could relax.
One of our friends dropped by, said the doors to the house were unlocked, so let herself in when Alicia didn’t answer the door. Nothing was amiss in the house. Apparently Alicia unlocked the gun cabinet and loaded one. Laid fully clothed in the bathtub.
The more I think about it, I think it was an impulsive act. Nothing she planned. Maybe things will come out once family and friends talk more with each other.
Geez, you just never really know.
Anyway, thanks again. Typing out my thought is therapeutic and this is a good place to do it.