Ladies and Gentlemen!
This match is a HANDICAP match, to be contested under “Dates Planned In Advance” rules! It is scheduled for ONE FALL!
In the ring to my right! He stands five FEET, nine IN-ches tall! He weighs in at one HUNDRED seventy-FIVE pounds… he hails from PARTS UNKNOWN! He currently fights out of a certain top-tier law school in BOSton, MASSachusetts! He is… the Captain of the Crazy Mother! He is… the Dysfunctional Destroyer! The RULER of the Wrrrrrrrrrecked Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrelationship…
Happy! Scrappy! Hero! Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!
In the ring to my left! She stands five FEET, five IN-ches tall! She weighs in at one HUNDRED TWEN-ty five POUNDS! She hails from Fighting PHIL-a-DEL-phia, PennsylVANia! She currently fights out of a major women’s magazine in NEW York CIT-yyyy! She is… the BLUE-eyed DEVIL! She is… the Blonde BOMBshell DROPper! The girl who makes Van Gogh look WELL-ADJUSTED…
Craaaaaaaazy Platonic FRIEND!
Also standing to my left! He is INfinitelty TALL! He is INfinitely massive! He hails from EVERYWHERE! He currently fights out of THE HOLY LAND! He is the KING of KINGS! The LORD of LORDS! He is the only man to own a win over DEATH himself…
Jesus “El Saviooooooorrrrrrrrrrr” Christ!
Let’s head over to our ring announcers, Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler!
ding
JR: All right, King, it looks like we’re in for a real slobberknocker here. To keep our fans informed, this match will be decided under “Dates Planned In Advance” rules, meaning that Scrappy has to get to Law Gala with CPF in order to win. All CPF and Jesus have to do is keep that from happening, and, when Law Gala rolls around, the match is over.
King: That’s right, JR. Let’s keep in mind that this is not Scrappy’s best match- Mr. McMahon must really have it out for him to book him in it! In “Dates Planned In Advance” matches, Scrappy has suffered a loss to Jenn’s Dad in singles competition, not to mention two crushing defeats against HSHExGF’s Parents in those epic handicap matches!
JR: You got it, King. Now, Scrappy has never faced Crazy Platonic Friend in a dating situation before, and rumors have been flying that he’s been ducking that pairing, but she angled for this match and she got it. Scrappy hasn’t faced off against “El Savior” in this incarnation, but his record is marred by losses to Yahweh in a “Convert or the Marriage is Off” match, and an absolutely mind-boggling loss in tag-team action, as Scrappy and The Scientific Method were absolutely destroyed by Jesus The Lord and The Wicked Cute Young Earth Creationist. CPF might be an unknown quantity, but she has destroyed legions of men in “First Date” matches, in “Drunken Tirade” matches, and in the terribly destructive “Codependent” match, a match that can shorten or end many a man’s career or even drive him into matrimony.
King: It doesn’t look good for Scrappy, JR. His worst match, two dangerous opponents, a handicap situation. Someone could get real hurt here.
JR: The referee is done with his instructions. Let’s get to the action. That’s a POWERFUL first move by CPF! SHE’s suggesting that she be Scrappy’s date to Law Gala! Stunning- she’s looking to establish position early. Scrappy is responding, though- a good veteran move with a couple of polite phone calls to see how serious CPF is about going to a formal in an entirely different town.
King: Big move- BIG MOVE! He got her to commit! She said yes! That’s a big step forward for Scrappy- he could have defined the tempo and essentially made this match a waiting game!
JR: Easy there, King, they don’t call her “CRAZY” Platonic Friend because she’s from Cameron. This could be some kind of setup. And Jesus has been out of this fight for too long- Scrappy won’t be able to hold him off forever… wait… Jesus is winding up…
King: LENT!!! LENT!!! He hit him with LENT!!! Scrappy wasn’t watching the calendar and Jesus set him up with Ash Wednesday and hit him with LENT!!! Scrappy’s chaste for 40 days- that’s straight through Law Gala!
JR: Not sure why Jesus would do that, King. Scrappy has kept his hands off CPF, and, more importantly, her hands off him, for seven years. Why Jesus would hit Scrappy with Lent is beyond me. Scrappy doesn’t even seem fazed by it.
King: He’s lost track of CPF, JR! Scrappy had to pay attention to Jesus because of the Ash Wednesday, and now, eight weeks after the commitment and only three weeks before Law Gala, she’s poised to strike!
JR: The crowd senses it. These great WWE fans are on their feet, holding one hand up with the thumb and pinky out, tapping the knuckles with the finger of the other hand… and CPF is doing the same thing in the ring!
King: She’s Dialing The Phone, JR! DIALING THE PHONE! You know what’s coming next!
JR: And there it is- the finishing move that has ended the career of so many others- the Cold Feet. Oh, the humanity. Scrappy is DOWN!
King: He’s not getting up, JR! He’s NOT GETTING UP! And CPF isn’t stopping! She’s hitting him with Better Plans! Following it up with The Money Excuse!
JR: Now we see why Jesus hit Scrappy with Lent so early in the match. With Scrappy reeling from the chastity, his ability to get another date is going to be seriously compromised. Nice, clinical work by Jesus to target a weakness and just exploit it.
King: Jesus and CPF obviously did their homework here, JR! They did what they had to do- isolate Scrappy from any outs he might have and then just go to work on his ability to get another date.
JR: Oh, now she’s… oh, no. She just NAILED Scrappy with Lame Excuse! Somebody stop this! That man can’t continue! This is just SICK. Awwww! Another Lame Excuse. And another. Awww, there’s one more Lame Excuse. Somebody get out there and help Scrappy. I’m surprised he’s still BREATHING.
King: There it is, JR, there it is! Scrappy’s throwing up his hands in disgust! He just can’t take any more punishment… there are the words… “go fuck yourself, I’m done here!”
ding
The winners of this match, BY SUBMISSION…
Craaaaaaaazy Platonic FRIEND!
ANNNNNNNNNNND…
Jesus “El Saviooooooorrrrrrrrrrr” Christ!
