I was 16 when my sister was born to our father and his second wife. He had been my non custodial parent for over a decade by that time — so, basically two weekends per month. But since I was a busy teenager and he lived just down the road, it was more like the odd visit here and there. It was fine by all of us.
As I got into older adulthood and my sister into her teens, we kept up our relationship as best we could, but by the time she graduated college our relationship consisted almost entirely of texting each other on Christmas and birthdays.
As my father aged, he got deeper into his addictions and his irresponsible lifestyle. His wife divorced him. He moved into a crumbling wreck of a home. He’d let any bum with a sob story move in, and then the bum would smoke all of his weed, drink all of his beer, steal his stuff, and sometimes beat him up. It took a toll on my and my sister’s mental health.
When Dad died a couple of years ago, Sis and I worked through quite a bit together, including his cremation, disposal of his belongings, etc. And since then, we’ve become a lot closer!!! I’m enjoying being the best McLean to my nephew, we message weekly, etc. We’re closer now than we’ve ever been!
Any other Dopers find that their relationship with a family member improved after a family member died?
I don’t know how “best fun uncle” turned into “McLean,” but here we are.
@What_Exit did you mean to tag this thread with “beer”? I mean, my dad did love him some beer, but he also loved weed, blow, benzos, opiates, you name it.
I removed the tag before you posted this question. (20 minutes ago in fact).
That was the auto-tagging process that put it there.
My sisters and I got closer with our father when our mother died, then we got closer with each other when my father died, and when my older sister died, the surviving sister and I got closer.
I think that’s true in many families. My wife has certainly gotten closer with her much younger brother since their parents died.
We went the other way. There was a rather large blowout at my father’s shiva 5 years ago that irreparably split my sister and her family from mine and my brother’s. We occasionally talk or text, but most of it revolves around our mother. I have spoken to my niece who caused the blowup two or three times in the last 5 years.
Me. One of my sisters is 14 years younger than me, and for the first 15 years of her life our relationship was minimal. We didn’t dislike each other or anything but our day to day lives didn’t intersect much, even before I moved out and got married when I was 19 and she was only 5.
Ten years later one of our grandparents died, my sister and I found ourselves in a VERY intense, revelatory conversation away from all the other relatives. Family secrets were discussed, and although she was still “only” 16, that conversation bonded us fully. 45 years later we feel as if we were twins.