I didn’t post this for “I’m sorry for your loss” comments, so please don’t feel the need for that.
My Dad passed away last week and it was mostly unexpected. Everyone has told me that your life changes in a big way when this happens. In fact, I have heard that nobody becomes a “man” until his father dies.
Please share your thoughts…
I’m not a man, but I wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away in 2006 and my heart still aches. He was one of my best friends, and I relied on him a lot. I will say that I am probably more masculine than most chicks because of the relationship I had with him, and I have found myself to be much more self-reliant since he is gone – if only because I can’t just call him up and say, “hey Dad, I think my timing is off, can you come check it for me?”
FWIW, I don’t know that either of my brothers’ lives have changed much since it happened, other than my oldest brother (who was adopted, loved and brought up by my dad, even though he was from my mother’s first marriage) not being able to leech off of him anymore.
I’m a woman who lost her dad, but I don’t think the latter statement is really true. After all, my dad died in his early 50s, and his father had outlived him. I was told that my grandfather didn’t cry so much at his wife’s funeral; after all, she was in her mid-to-late 70s (IIRC) and so he kind of expected by that age that one of them might die. But nearly 20 years later, he was still alive and attending his youngest child’s funeral, and he broke down. I suspect that even with an adult “child”, that’s something you never expect or want to see.
I might guess that it drives home the point that you are an adult. Maybe, except I was in my early 20s at the time, and looking back I can’t say I was No Truly An Adult from this. Perhaps it’s because my mother is still alive and maybe it’s different for women.
I did notice a lot of “he never got to see ________” experiences. Of course, that’s easy to happen when you’re younger and a parent dies - you get the “never saw me graduate/get married/etc.” series of events earlier on, and I don’t know how old you are and if that’s likely to apply to you.
(I know you weren’t looking for pity or anything, so I’ll just say that eventually, it’ll be better. Maybe not all better, but you’ll be able to remember stuff about him with more fondness and less sorrow.)
I appreciate your clarity, but please accept my condolences anyway.
I lost both my parents (within a month) about two years ago. Fortunately I had wonderful support from family, friends and colleagues.
I have also had grief counselling (I still get it sporadically) which has helped me a lot.
Of course we can react differently, but you may find grief counselling helps you too.
Not true.
When my Dad died, I was already a World Champion, had a fantastic and responsible job/career, was close to retirement (with my mortgage paid off) and had achieved my childhood goals.
I think that these simple generalisations are risky.
Things change depending on how old you are when your Dad dies, what relationship you had with him, whether your parents are married/ divorced / separated, whether you’re adopted etc.
Dad left us five years ago today. My life did not change drastically. Dad had been sick a long time and I had come to peace with the fact that he would soon be gone.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
My life changed immeasurably for the better; my father should have died twenty years ago so that my mother might have had a few years of happiness. As things happen, he outlived her and that just wasn’t right. YMMV
I think (as others have noted) that it varies greatly by situation and your age.
I was 34 when my dad died, he was 74. I was one of nine children, with five older brothers and two older sisters. I was divorced, three kids (11 and 13), living with my now new wife, good job, etc. I never felt that somehow I grew up or became a man at that point in time.
Perhaps if I had been the oldest sibling with young brothers or sisters still at home, I might have felt like I was now a family head in some sense. But we were all grown up and out of the house. The folks were retired and had been alone in the old joint (barring visits and the occasional short term prodigal son) for over a decade.
The sense of loss, a realization of mortality, the sense that people can just disappear from your life, these things can cause changes in your outlook that can range from slight to profound and last the rest of your life or you may shrug them off quickly. There is no one way that it affects everyone, no one right way to feel.
For me personally, it was my dad’s death that really brought home to me the realization that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. The annoyances at work, things your family members or friends may do that tick you off, the ten things a day that get your goat, all that stuff is suddenly very trivial compared to “I will never see my loved one again”.
This has been a feeling that for me has not gone away in the almost 20 years since. Not that I don’t still sometimes get upset at trivial things (just ask my wife), I’m only human (hmmm, maybe you shouldn’t ask my wife!). But it is much easier to keep things in a broader perspective.
So it was life changing for me and I think it is for many people. But not necessarily in a “becoming a man” way.
My father died two years ago. I lost a good, wise friend but gained all his cool stuff. I still miss him. I don’t feel any more of a man now that he’s dead.
My father just died last month, and I sincerely hope that my mother (1) gets at least 20 years of freedom (she’s 64) and (2) that she makes the most of it. I’ll be very sad if she doesn’t. It was my dearest wish that he would go first so that these things would have a chance of happening.
I’m 41 (and female) and never relied on my father for much of anything; in fact I avoided him. So his death hasn’t affected me except insofar as I’ve had to support my mother (by phone).
I was sixteen.
It sucked. God had died. I took him on a drive in the Opel along little back county roads, driving like an idiot. He didn’t complain, just waited for what I wanted to talk about. I thought a girl not paying attention to me was the worst thing that could happen.
How little did I know.
This will get better for you in ten or fifteen years, trust me.
I was just about to turn 18, during my freshman in year in college, when my dad was murdered.
It was incredibly rough. Very little support from friends or family and no counceling.
That was 26 years ago.
He still pops up in a dream every now and then.
I sympathise with you in your loss.
My father died last year. I’m a grown adult, in my mid forties and hadn’t lived with my parents for over twenty years. So my life didn’t change in any big ways, except that my father’s death made me realise how much he really meant to me. I now miss him very much.
Almost 3 years now since my dad died of cancer at 72.
I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss his humour and advice, whether I heeded it or not. He appears regularly enough in my dreams though, and in those dreams he’s alive and well and the same guy I knew and loved. In this way he has achieved immortality.
My life didn’t change at all, but then again I moved hundreds of miles away from home in my early 20s, half a lifetime ago. My dad was a good guy. I never cried or felt any terrible remorse upon his death though. He should have lived a bit longer, but he had a pretty good run of it. When he knew he was dying he was his usual pragmatic self; “People live: people die. That’s what happens.” were some of his final words.
That comment about “no one becomes a man…” is bullshit. I felt I became a man the moment I left home at 22 years old. My parents treated me like an adult for a few years prior to that. Then again they were married and had a kid already at the ages of 22 and 20.
I’m babbling. I’m sorry for your loss. However, this is the circle of life. Let your dad live on in your dreams and memories. Someday it will be you who is remembered thusly.
I miss Pop and always will. I wish my kids got to spend more time with him. But his passing was not a turnning point in my life.
Pop had asthma. I grew up not knowing if he would see graduate from high school. But he did. In fact he was at my college graduation, my wedding, and all three of my boys love Pop. He passed away at 79 years.
I still remember when I found out. My wife met me as I parked my car after work. I could see by her face something was worng. I asked where are the kids are they OK. I then ask her “Pop’s died hasn’t he”? When she said yes all I could think was “Prase God” I got 20 more years than I had expected…
So not it was not life changing. Infact before he passed at the annual family pot luck Pop always provided the meat. There is still some money left from his estate and “Pop still provides the meat”
My father died after many years of Alzheimer’s. My mother went through hell taking care of him. By the time he died, he’d already been “gone” for a long time, and in many ways it was a relief. So whatever “life changes” I had experienced happened over a long period of time. I’m sure if his death had been relatively sudden it would have been different.
My father passed away last spring after an 8 year battle with cancer. I was living overseas and got a call to come back as soon as possible. The next morning at 3 am I was on my way to the train station. After 48 hours and several trains/flights, I got home 3 hours after he died. 
It took 4 months to go through the house. Things have been hollow in many ways, but each year I hope to go back to where I grew up and look at the old house, hike the mountains and remember the good times.
Shit! I sure didn’t read the OP very well. I didn’t really have anything to contribute to this thread, but I felt I had to say something comforting. Now I feel like a real schlep. My apologies.
It sucked, but there was no man making in his death. All of us were all well into adulthood. We did stuff with dad, so that ended. I did a lot of driving at night in the country for the first month. I can’t stand to see his one cousin that looks like a fatter him. I like the guy, but it hurts later to see him.
I’m resigned to it probably happening in the next several years - he’s over 80. My own relationship with him has been difficult so I don’t know how it will affect me. My mother will likely follow quickly of a broken heart and that will be utterly devastating.