Oh Rilch, I’m so sorry. I hope everything works out for you.
Good luck.
Well, we talked some more. And he still loves me. He says the reason he said that is he was just frustrated with money problems, and that he still doesn’t believe I pull my weight as I might. There’s a LOT to this, that I don’t want to go into in a thread. But he has a point: I could have sought out a better job, or finished my second draft sooner. Tried to better myself, in other words.
We’re going on that picnic tomorrow, and we will discuss this further at that time. Normally, I don’t like him to go to bed until everything’s resolved, but in this case, I knew talking was likely to stir things up more, and it would take half the night, and he has to get up early.
In other news, my mom is upset because I asked to borrow money. I think I mentioned that. She’s sending it, but she’s made it clear that this is finis. So I’ve got two people disappointed in me.
Sanguine: Well, see, part of what upset him so was that I asked him for two dollars for his share of the pizza. He refused, on the grounds that he’d just paid the phone bill, and didn’t appreciate “being nickel-and-dimed”. That’s something that I think just won’t go away until I start bringing in serious $$, and two or five or ten dollars stops being so steep, relative to what I earn.
Snoopy (sorry, I can never remember how many ‘o’s are in your name): Well, when I was a kid, I drank diet Shasta, and I LIKED it!! Only partly kidding, here. Sometimes it’s a good thing that we buy our food mostly separately: we don’t have to wonder what’s whose. Sometimes it’s not a good thing, because when he runs out of, for instance, syrup, he HAS to go out and get Log Cabin. He can’t make do with my generic. Little Lord F’in Fauntleroy, I’m tellin’ ya.
Ringo: Yeah, we are. This is not acrimonious to begin with, which is why I’m taking it so seriously.
AndrewT: Well, it’s not going to be a loveless marriage. I think it’s more along the lines of “I will always love you, but I don’t like you very much right now.” Funny thing is, though, when I speculated that that was how he felt, he accused me of getting it from Dr. Phil! I don’t watch ANY of that kind of crap, and he knows it!
Greg Charles, the reason I’m so emotionally detached is because the whole discussion was detached. There was no yelling or cursing. He said it in such a matter-of-fact way that it hit me much much harder than if he’d said it in anger, which would have left open the option for him to say, “You know I didn’t mean that, right?” As for my O.C. friend, well, that’s a different situation, is all. And we’re not indifferent to reconciliation. But thank you for saying that I’m worth the effort.
As for the book, the threads are here.
Guin and qts: Thank you.
I’m glad to see that both of you are talking. Sometimes, all it takes is a little communication.
Enjoy yourself on the picnic. You might want to take a moment at the picnic, when you are semi-alone with Mr. Rilch, and reminisce about a particularly good time you shared. See where the conversation leads you.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time right now, Rilch. Sounds to me like maybe some marriage counseling might help? Just because, it seems like both of you could use an objective third party. I sure hope things work out for you!
Yeah, I forgot to mention that he refuses to entertain the idea of joint counseling! His reasons don’t make sense to me, but there it is.
Without going into his resistance to marital counseling – resistance that may work itself out over time – what about financial counceling? The issuse that seem to bring both of you the most stress appear to be money-related. Maybe meeting with a pro to disuss a plan that doesn’t involve watching the hot new DVD releases while eating GoodValue Tuna would take away some of that heavy stress and put you in a place where he’d be more open to counseling.
As an alternative, some couples go to individual sessions with the same counselor. He might feel differently about that.
Whatever happens, I hope it turns out to be the best option for you. I’ll be thinking of you.
Rilchiam, your life is so not my deal, but you posted here so I’m assuming you’ll welcome drive-by comments.
My first bit of advice would be to hire an agent, if you haven’t done so already. Not only will an agent have connections that you don’t, but he/she will be honest with you about the quality of your work and perhaps suggest changes that could make your work more marketable. Trying to self-publish a novel (I’m assuming it’s fiction that you write) is next to impossible.
My second bit of advice is to get at the very least, a part-time paying job. It sounds like you’ve written and revised your book and now you are in the process of sending it off to hopefully be published. There is no reason that this can’t be done at night or on the weekend. It could be months before you hear back from anyone. There really is no compelling reason to sit at home and wait for the mailman, and get crankier by the day, especially when you have pressing financial concerns. You’re already paying off loans, you owe money to your mother, your husband is getting thin-lipped over being nickel and dimed (and I can’t say I blame him) and is on the verge of leaving you over the stress. Get a paying job now. If he does leave, you’ll need the benefits. If he doesn’t, then the extra money will help relieve the stress that you are both feeling over money. Of course, there’s nothing to stop you from quitting that job the second you hear good news.
My third bit of advice is to not give up on your dream. Even if you don’t ever get published, writing is a creative outlet for you. My favorite fiction writer, Diana Gabaldon, was a full time professor and a mother before she got published. She didn’t give up her day job until her second book was published. For decades, she wrote at night after working a full day and putting the kids to bed. James Herriott was a full time vet when he was published, and continued to be a vet even after he was published. Michael Crichton was a lawyer. My point is that none of these very talented people abandoned their creative outlet. There’s no reason you can’t have a paying job AND pursue your dream at the same time.
My third bit of advice is that you recognize that you are treating people you love abusively. Do what you need to do to CHANGE. That could mean going to a psychologist, that could mean taking yoga classes, that could mean getting a job and helping to ease the money problems. Your husband is supporting you both financially AND emotionally and you are “borderline abusive” to him. You say very unkind things about your mother (“I wouldn’t subject Mr. Rilch to her.”) and then you accept money from her! You know, that’s a crappy way to treat someone.
If you are depressed because your dream isn’t being realized, that’s understandable. But you are starting to inflict your misery on the people who love and support you. It’s almost as if you are deliberately trying to push them away from you. Stop it.
I’d just like to point out that never in my life have I needed to decompress after buying groceries.
I hope things work out Rilchiam, good luck.
Rilcham You don’t know me, but I’d just like to say how sorry I am. And to ask a question: Do you still love him? He doesn’t really sound like a sweet, loving guy. His remarks about you, earning less than him, would piss me off to no end.
What if you have to start all over again? Would that be very bad?
Anyway: I hope things work out for you All my best.
Damn…
I’m not sure what kind of advice, if any, to give for something like this. You both sound like you’ve made up your minds about this, yet there seems like there’s so much hope for reconciliation.
Well, for whatever it’s worth, don’t forget that there are a lot of people here who care.
Honey is that you?
You sound like my wife. Doesn’t earn as much as she could. “Moody”. (well that would take much explaining) Mrs. Z is trying to be an actress though not a writer. Yes I can tell you that sometimes it wears very thin. Especially when she is talking to her parents and saying things like, someday I would like to own a brownstone here in the Village.
Are you going to get a full time job and keep it for 20 years?
Look, I feel for both of you. Marriage is hard work and I hope it works out for you.
So sorry to hear you’re having problems.
It’s good that you guys are talking about it. Hopefully you can continue talking and work things out. It’s going to take time and it’s going to be a lot of work on both your parts. Counseling would probably help a lot but you say he’s not willing to go. Any chance of changing his mind about that? Maybe asking him to at least give it a shot and if he feels it’s not helping he can stop going.
I hope everything works out for you both and you can both be happy… whether that means staying together or being apart.
Then you are a better man than I am and you haven’t been in a position in your life where you had to shop at several stores to get the absolute best price. And in big city traffic.
Rilch, I am not the slightest bit surprised you are numb. It’s a numbing experience and after all the emotional energy you have invested in your marriage you feel empty and unwilling to fight it. Now a non-separate separation like he describes could be the best thing for you two to work out where you want to take it.
Hey Rilcham, you don’t know me either, but I’d like to throw in my .02 cents, as I’ve been there, too. (Fiance, not husband.) Do what’s right for you. If you two do seperate, don’t wait too long to try to reconcile, if that’s what you want to do. Otherwise, it’s entirely possible one or the other of you will have moved on and learned that you’re perfectly happy alone. I know how much this sucks, when the one constant in your life suddenly announces that it’s over, and you feel like you’ve been blindsided by a truck. I’ll be hoping that everything turns out alright for you.
The part I want to address regards your book writing. If you don’t already have a publisher lined up for your book (and you’ll probably need an agent to have a chance of that) then you’re looking at possibly years before you see any money on your book. Unless your first novel is a runaway bestseller, you’re likely looking at even more years before you can make a living as a writer. The book I’m writing today and due at the end of next month will be published next year. I probably won’t see any money until the end of next year. (The RPG market doesn’t pay advances against royalties).
Have you considered anger management classes, if you have a problem controlling your temper? You’re aware of the problem, which is a first step.
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles.
Rilch,
If you’re cranky when you get up, and when you get home from work, is there a chance you have a low blood sugar problem?
When mine gets low, I’m even more of a bastard than usual.
Just a thought.
First Rilchaim, I know I don’t know you very well, but I wanted to say I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I hope that things in your life will be able to improve in some way, because you seem like a pretty good person from your posts.
Then for everyone else:
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He grew up in Upper St. Clair
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Upper St. Clair is a fairly upper-middle-class to somewhat rich suburb of Pittsburgh, rougly 20 to 30 minutes drive from the city itself. Big homes, manicured lawns, and not too many people who ‘do without.’
It’s not the environment where someone gets used to growing up on store brand cola. It’s also really close to some not so well-to-do areas, and sometimes around here is teased at as being kind of a ‘Beverly Hills’ of Pittsburgh. (Fox Chapel gets the same rap.)
I know that nothing that I say here will make it better for you - but I will send warm thoughts your way.
First of all, sorry to hear you’re going through a rocky stretch. However, as an outsider, this is what I’m seeing:
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The “his money/my money” thing is only going to breed resentment. I cannot believe a married couple charges each other for slices of pizza. If you’re making so little that you have to charge him for a slice of pizza, you either need to get a better (or second) job or he has to support you. No wonder you’re a bitch to him. He’s got a power thing hanging over your head. I’m sure it must really suck to have to charge your spouse for food.
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If you’re as bitchy as you say, maybe there’s a reason for it. Maybe you really don’t want to be married to him anymore but you don’t have any means of support. This frustration comes out as bitchiness. You might want to consider it.
I could be wrong, but I think your relationship needs a power readjustment. He’s got financial power, and you counter with a more “powerful” attitude. This is a recipe for disaster.
I hope everything works out for you.