My husband doesn't love me any more.

He just told me that he’s giving up. I’ll never change and he’s tired of it. He’s tired of my mood swings, he’s tired of “carrying” me, he doesn’t believe I’ll ever get my book published, and he can’t take it any more. He says I’m welcome to keep living here, and getting his insurance benefits and so forth, but essentially, “It’s over”.

Oh, Ril. I’m so sorry. Is there anything to be done?

How do you feel about it?

Your post, taken alone, has no emotional content I can use to deduct your mood. Are you relieved or sad? I’m not trying to be funny- I’ve been in the same place, and I know it isn’t very pleasant.

I hope that everything works out for you.

:frowning:

I’m so sorry.

Whoa…

I am so sorry to know that you’re going through something like this. Can you two talk at all about it? Here’s hoping for the best for you.

I’m hoping he feels better in a few hours. The back-breaking straw for him was this afternoon.

I am always cranky a) when I first wake up b) when I first get home. The rest of the time, I exude a sweetness and agreeableness to rival Pwincess Pwecious. But this afternoon, I spent almost two hours after work tracking down the week’s groceries. When I finally dragged myself in the door, Mr. Rilch wasn’t home yet.

“Great,” I thought. “I can get this stuff put away, and decompress, and be all cheerful when he gets here.” Guess again. He arrived while I was still unpacking. He had a bag full of stuff from Trader Joe’s. I’d asked him to get a half-dozen eggs for me there (cheaper than the places I was going). “So where’re my eggs?” I inquired, peering into the bag.

“Oh, shit.”

I’d written him a note and reminded him several times. Okay, that’s neither here nor there. But I was aggravated. Understandably? I dunno…it’s not like he never gets fed up about anything.

The thing is, he wasn’t ready to reconcile when I was. I lay down for a nap, and when I got up, he still wasn’t ready to reconcile. Then he announced what I said in the OP.

I’m sorry I’m not very coherent. If there’s anything you’re not clear on, by all means ask.

I am sorry Rilchiam. Once a long time ago in a thread you offered me some great advice. I wish I could do the same for you. You are in my thoughts.

Steelerphan, I’m numb. And guilty. I know I should have worked harder at this relationship. Although I did work at it and do plenty for him.

I’m not on the best terms with my mom right now either. The funny thing is, she suggested yesterday that Mr. Rilch and I “give up on Hollywood and come to Vegas”. Yeah right. Besides the fact that if she didn’t already live there (because of my sister), she would otherwise think fortune-seeking in Vegas was the dumbest idea ever, there’s no way I’d subject Mr. Rilch to her.

In fact, I’ve chosen him over her a number of times. Forsaking all others and all that. Shouldn’t that count for something?

SanguineSpider, he says we’ve talked before. And talked and talked and talked and I never change and he’s resigned to that.

Oh, Rilch. I am so sorry to hear this. My email is listed if you need to talk to someone who’s been there, done it.

Holy crap, Rilch. Evidently this has been accumulating for some time, but…isn’t it possible that he might change his mind after a while and give it another go?

{{{Rilchiam}}}

Rilchiam, you don’t know me from Adam, but I’ve seen your posts and always kind of liked what you had to say.
{{{{{{{{Rilchiam}}}}}}}}

Hope things get better for you.

misstee: I did? You’re welcome, even though I don’t remember it. Or…were you the one with the potential stepchildren?

viva: He’s not talking about divorce. Just giving up on me emotionally.

It’s possible that he will soften up in a few hours. The thing is, I’m not sure where it will go from there, or what I should do.

He basically has two issues.

  1. I don’t earn enough, and he pays the lion’s share of the bills.

  2. My cranky episodes are wearing on him.

In response to 1), well, he DOES pay more than I do, but he also spends a lot on himself! He’s a compulsive shopper. I knew this when I married him, and I was okay with it. But I wish he’d factor that in when he starts griping about how much of what he earns goes to bills. I’ve pointed it out numerous times, that he doesn’t have to buy a DVD a week, and he could have waited to get the iPod, and it wouldn’t kill him to eat generic food like I do. He is SUCH a prima donna when it comes to food. He won’t even drink store-brand cola! He grew up in Upper St. Clair (Steelerphan can tell you where that is. It’s not Beverly Hills or anything, but it ain’t no trailer park) and I grew up struggling. And when you put our personal expenditures side by side, it shows big time. Plus, I’m paying my own humungous debts. He keeps saying that he’s keeping us off the street by paying the rent, but I’m keeping myself out of court by paying off my loans.

And he said he no longer believes that I’m going to even try to publish my book.

In response to 2), well, I do get cranky. But you’d think by now that he’d learn to back the f@ck off when I get like that. I’ve told him time and time again that when I get like that, he should just get tough on me and say, “Don’t you talk to me like that.” He’s done that a couple times, and it works, but mostly, he’d rather be the martyr.

Or I could go to counseling again. But he says he doesn’t believe I need it. Fact is, (my words, not his) I am close to being an abusive wife at times. I need to change; I know it. But don’t they also tell battered spouses not to be the victim? I think he enjoys being the victim.

And what about everything else I do for him? Cooking, head-scratching, foot-rubbing…I give him some damn good loving, and he’s constantly saying how much better he has it than a lot of the other guys.

Well, he needs to try harder, too! Unless you’re a real bitch to him everyday and you’ve stolen his soul while cackling evilly in the utter darkness of humanity’s doom, then I feel you two need to talk again. Have you never done a kind thing for him? Have you never set aside some time or a opportunity for his sake? Have you shopped away all his hard earned cash and laughed as he cried? I’m not trying to make light of your dark time but I’m trying to understand why he feels this is… IT. The end. Finite.

Marriage takes work from both partners. I don’t know what else you two have gone through or what your relationship is truly like but I hate hearing about “the end” of any relationship. Unless there’s been abuse. Yours, his, the kids… that shouldn’t be excused. I hope there hasn’t been any abuse and that this is only a little bump in the road of your life (that will get fixed). Our hearts are with you, Rilchiam.

There’s no kids.

And there’s no abuse from him. But as I said, sometimes my behavior gets pretty close to the line.

He’s not talking about divorce, as I said. Just saying that he “Still loves me a little bit”, but he’s tired of it. I’m holding out hope that we can still resolve this, but it seems pretty serious, not something that can be ironed out just by talking. I really think we both need to change. BOTH.

We were going to go on a picnic tomorrow… :frowning:

Bleh, forgive my abuse remarks… I was typing and thinking while you posted, not having read yours yet. You don’t seem like an abusive wife but I don’t know much of your lives together. The money thing would bother me, personally. I was married to a man who spent more than he earned and bitched if I borrowed a fiver. I let him borrow money, too, but I did NOT hound him for it during the next week or so. Usually, I’d try to have him pay for my lunch or something to reciprocate but he hated that when it was reversed. He’d want cash if I borrowed cash. He liked control.
Forget my blathering… I hope he cools down and you two can deal with this lovingly.

Now, wouldn’t you feel TERRIBLE if you slipped him some no-name soda and he KEELED over and DIED IN AGONY?!?!!?!?!?!!!

Of course you would!

It might just be a time to chill moment, Rilch. Best of luck with it, and I mean that.

The first thing is, neither of you should be making any decisions while you’re in this kind of mood. It’s not conducive to wisdom. Let the matter sit for a while until you both know better how you really feel.

Break the mold a bit, step out of the routine. Take a weekend away, whether together or apart I’ll leave to your judgement.

Once your heads are clear, you’ll be able to see the way forward better, I suspect.
The end of a marriage is sad, but sadder still is a loveless marriage. Don’t break up for trivial reasons but don’t stay together purely out of habit or comfort. I’ve just been there, and I can tell you that I’m 100 times happier by myself than I was in a slowly dying marriage.

Like some of the previous posters, I’m confused by your emotional detachment from this announcement. Compare this to the obvious anguish you felt when your friend moved to Orange County a couple of months ago. I know you from your posts over the past five years, and I know you’re worth the effort. You’ve usually spoken well of “Mr. Rilch” as well. However, if you both approach reconcilliation with indifference, I can’t see it working. Still, I wish you the best of luck with whatever happens. It’s certainly a good sign that you can be so self-effacing about your own shortcomings.

On a tangent, what book? I must have missed that thread. Can you point me to it?