My husband's grandma gives to extreme right-wing causes

In My Humble Opinion
1

My husband’s grandmother is writing lots of checks to far right-wing causes. I have been telling my f-i-l and m-i-l for awhile that they need to take over her mail and bill-paying but they feel that she is of sound mind. And basically she is. But, at age 97, she is getting extreme requests in the mail, she reads the requests, then she writes a check. We had thought it was only $10 or $15 at a time.

My f-i-l recently was putting all of her bank statements in a binder for her and in two of the envelopes she had left the cancelled checks. She had written I think 7 checks to one organization IN ONE MONTH.

At Christmas time she wrote one check to each of her grandchildren for the whole family instead of writing individual checks to the great-grandchildren because she said she was just too tired to write so many checks. This is because she had probably written 40 other checks in December. Someone who should be paying the utilities, her church, and Meals-on-Wheels.

Now, as a left-winger myself, I get extreme requests too, and I put them in the circular file. I’m sure the right-wing stuff is just as crazy. Grandma is extremely worried about Social Security being taken over by the United Nations, as well as being worried about “foreigners” coming to this country and taking the Social Security money. My in-laws, who are conservative Republicans, have been trying to explain to her that she personally does not need to worry about Social Security for herself, her daughter and son-in-law, and even possibly her grandchildren, who are in or approaching their 50’s.

I have explained to her repeatedly that Madelaine Murray O’Hare (sp?) is deceased and no longer has any power over prayer in schools. I have also tried to explain to her that the children who choose not to pray have historically been ostracized. But she is extremely worried about prayer in schools.

She has many pictures of George and Laura Bush, which indicates many payments to his re-election or possibly the Republican Party. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with her giving away as much as $7000 a year to organizations that are preying on the elderly.

So my in-laws have finally reached the point that they are worried about this, but they still do not want to take over her finances. They insist that she is still of sound mind.

I, however, think that she should live out her days without worrying about such preposterous things. (Please…if you believe these kinds of right-wing things…keep it someplace else. A woman nearing the age of 100 does not need to worry about such things, true or not.) I think we should change her mailing address and take over paying her bills.

Of course, it is none of my business. She is not my grandmother. But we have had these conversations where she suddenly starts talking about “this woman who wants prayer out of the schools.” And I have to explain to her AGAIN that the woman has been dead for several years and that the incident happened in the 60’s or whatever.

Should I mind my own business? Should I write a letter to her Congressman or Senators or something?

:confused:

2

Unable to absorb simple facts does not equal of sound mind. She may not be totally whacko, but I would venture that she is in an early stage of dementia. Bet she’d be an easy mark for a scam artist who knew how to push her emotional buttons.

My suggestion would be to list all the “less than sound mind” things she has done and make the case that it is absolutely in her best interests for someone else to control her finances.

Of course, you’ll have a much stronger case, and it will be much easier – or even unnecessary – to persuade others of the importance of this after something catastrophic happens. Perhaps that’s what they’re waiting for. No need to prevent your three-year-old from darting into the street unless and until he’s hit by a car, right?

3

Maybe someone could take over most of her financial transactions, but still leave her a certain amount of discretionary money to send to her causes? You say she shouldn’t have to worry about those issues, but maybe she wants to. Maybe it helps her feel that she’s keeping in touch, and maybe it’s important to her to be able to support those things. I think it’s probably important to protect the majority of her money, but it’s just as important to let her continue to do the things that matter to her, if she can. I’d hate to see her wasting it on bad or non-existent causes, too, but it is her money, after all. And part of what it’s for is to make her happy.

4

Well personally if I’m alive and cognizant at that age I wouldn’t care too much for some youngster telling me that a “man of 97” has no business being interested in causes. What should someone at that age be expected to care about? Oatmeal and the great-great-great grandchildren? Give the nanogenerians a little bit of credit. My grandmother is 92 and she’s still extremely intelligent and cognizant. Sure she knows things could take a downturn very quickly (and she’s discussed that in fact) but nothing makes her angrier than younger relatives telling her what to do when she’s very much not senile or even borderline senile.

If she isn’t of sound mind then the whole thing is moot, she shouldn’t have control of her finances. Just being taken in by scams or giving too freely to causes doesn’t mean you are not of a sound mind, though. I know lots of people that are “medically” of sound mind that spend their money very unwisely. She is an adult, she has the right to be unwise and no one has a right to stop her unless she is indeed suffering from dementia.

5

A few thoughts.

Perhaps she feels it’s the right thing to do for humanity - even if these things won’t effect her personally it will help out future generations.

Maybe instead of taking over her finances you can do a monthly spending analysis and give her the numbers: Granny, you have spent $1854 or 87% of you total Feb spending to help allow citizens the right to bear arms (or whatever right wing cause it is).

6

It is her children’s place to do whatever needs to be done, if anything. If she is of sound mind, as they insist, they she has a right to do whatever she wants to do with her own money. If she isn’t of sound mind, and writing checks 7 checks to one organization in one month is certainly evidence of that, then they need to take action for grandma’s protection.

It seems to me that they are aware there is a problem but are reluctant to admit that mom is starting to slip. I would encourage them to contact a geriatric specialist in their area to talk over the situation. Sometimes it’s easier to discuss such emotionally charged issues with a neutral third party.

7

Would you be as upset if she was giving this much money to political causes you approve of?

If so, your concern is understandable. If not, then butt out.

Well, unless she’s giving to Holocaust-denial groups!

8

Her children (your in-laws) are aware of what’s going on, but they don’t want to do anything about it.

Leave it alone. She’s their mother and it’s their inheritance.

9

Chalk me up as another one who says ‘butt out’.

Until she starts talking to people who aren’t there it ain’t your business.

And I come from this as someone who gives money to the non-right wing causes.

10

With no remarks aimed at the nature of the causes, giving away $7000 per year to strangers seems a little steep.

Perhaps you could suggest that she establish a trust fund for her decendents?
Or a charitable trust fund, with family members to direct it?

11

I think you are all right and I should just keep out, although I do express my opinion to my husband and in-laws.

These issues have come up just this past three years or so. We will go to her house and see stacks of junk mail. This is not normal, in my opinion. I saw something on top of one of the stacks (I did not go through her mail) that said on the envelope “First they wanted to take over Social Security, now they want to make the I.R.S. international!” This seemed ridiculous to me. She had written “$15” on the envelope.

When she does bring up these bizarre issues my husband, who has a Ph.D. in Economics and works at the Fed, gently explains the issues to her. He changes the subject quickly. He does not argue with her about this stuff.

She told my m-i-l that she sits down in the morning to write the checks because she is less shaky then. Later in the day she becomes a little shaky and it is hard to write. This indicates to me that it has become kind of a mission to write the checks to support the causes.

My in-laws tried to invoke her husband (deceased for nearly 50 years), such as “Is this a cause that Rudolf would have approved of?” thinking she would say no, but she said yes, she thought he would approve of the cause. My m-i-l offered to write the checks but Grandma doesn’t think she will write the checks she wants written.

My f-i-l wants her to do something with her money that would actually help her, like put insulation in the attic. She doesn’t want to because when the work is done the front door would be open for an extended period of time and warm air would go out. He can’t seem to get her to understand that warm air is going out the roof.

She has a refrigerator/freezer that does not defrost (the freezer is in a little compartment inside the refrigerator) that is as old as the hills but sees no reason to get a small nice refrigerator. She hangs her clothes to dry and does not want a dryer. So she lives frugally and is sending her money away to other causes.

Would I support it if she was sending to causes I agreed with? Maybe. But not extreme causes on the left-wing side.

She used to tell my m-i-l that, when the time comes, my m-i-l is supposed to decide when to place her in assisted living. A couple of years ago I pointed out to my m-i-l that the time had come and gone. My m-i-l won’t do it. So how many times does she have to fall off a ladder or something? We have finally removed all ladders from the vicinity. A year and a half ago, she found some kind of old ladder in the garage (we thought all the ladders were gone) and climbed it and cut her leg on a nail on the way down. Then she didn’t tell anyone about it over Thanksgiving. So that ended up being a months long series of home nurse visits and bandage changing because it wasn’t healing.

The other time she had a sore on her leg and the scab fell off and she bled so much they had to replace part of the carpet.

Is she of sound mind? Sure, if you think she should still climb a ladder and clean her gutters. Because she doesn’t think she should stop doing that. We finally convinced her to have a neighbor mow the lawn.

I don’t believe she should live alone any more. The cat may entertain her, but he cannot call 9-1-1. She does wear the thing around her neck to push the button if she falls now.

She lives about 45 minutes away. My husband is constantly telling her that if she needs anything done she is to call him and he will come over immediately and do it.

Oh well, I can only give my opinion and watch this happening. I don’t want it to seem like I just want her to save her money so I can have some of it someday. She is not my grandmother, but I love her as if she was.

Thanks for listening.