When in NJ, my parents-in-law live an hour away. For about 5 years now, they’ve been “snowbirds” living in Florida from (roughly) Christmas to Easter. They usually drive back to NJ in late March / early April. My son’s birthday is Friday, 4/9 with a low-key, family-only 1st birthday party on 4/10. They’ve got 10 children and about 15 grandchildren.
This year, they’ve decided to drive back just a few days after my son’s 1st birthday.
Normally, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what someone else wanted to do… but I can see my wife is really hurt, and that hurts me. She’s the 9th of 10 kids, and with our son being the 15th grandchild, it feels like the grandparents are treating my wife and kid poorly… like the novelty of offspring has somehow worn off.
Add to this that my own father mistakenly scheduled a golf trip with his buddies that weekend - but he cancelled it (at some significant cost in money and possibly friendship). So my poor wife sees my family giving up something (relatively) significant and her parents just soaking in a few more days of sunshine before returning home. Why won’t they just drive home 3 days earlier? They’ve been there for 3 months already. What’s 3 days really worth?
Last night I did a minor no-no… I shut down what could’ve been a conversation with my wife about the in-laws with a snarky remark. While hurt, my wife seems resigned. I’m bloodthirsty in spiteful, vengeful and unhealthy way. That concludes the rant. But what, if anything, should I do? (I already apologized for my seething and dismissed it as hurt feelings surfacing when we talk about what they’re up to in FL.) Should I say anything to the in-laws? It’s their choice. I’m not looking to force them to come up early. I guess I’d be satisfied if they just knew that what they were doing was hurtful, but telling them that might cause them to come up early. I don’t want to guilt them into changing their minds. I want them to do it of their own accord.
Should I just wait until the birthday has passed and mention that I was disappointed that they hurt their daughter like that? My son won’t remember, nor care; but I just know I’m going to poison the home videos by pointing out that they couldn’t be bothered to visit their grandchild on his 1st birthday.
Are you sure there’s no other reason for driving up the day they intend to other than to “soak up a few more days of sunshine?” If not, then it sound’s like the grandparents are being extremely selfish. If their grandson isn’t important enough to them to drive back three days early, then they’re not important enough to be invited to the party. Your own father is going a long way to show that your child means something to him.
Perhaps a silly question, but did you remind them of the date? They’ve got 15 grand-children, after all. That’s 15 birthdays to remember. It’s not easy.
It sounds like your wife has an issue with feeling like she’s getting equal attention from her parents. As they had 10 children, I’m thinking it goes back a long way, and will never be resolved until she chooses to get over it. They no doubt, haven’t given her the same attention her earlier siblings received. Who could? Just as the 15th grandchild won’t likely receive the same attention as the first couple do. That’s life, and it’s not going to change. Until she gets right with it, prepare for ongoing drama.
If she can say honestly, “I know they love me, and my child…” then she needs to let this go. The actions of the other set of inlaws have no bearing, in my mind. Did they raise 10 kids? Do they have 15 grandchildren? They are different couples and comparing their choices seems disingenuous.
Raising 10 kids takes a fair bit of sacrifice, I’d bet. I’m tempted to say they’ve earned their retirement and should not be guilted into changing their plans. Just to watch another 1 yr old smear cake on themselves.
, keeping this in mind, isn’t it just possible they have made commitments for their last 3 days in Florida that can’t be changed?
I think this is the wife’s issue, the parents haven’t done anything wrong in my eyes. Did your wife’s grandparents (both sets) attend each 1st birthday in that family? I doubt it very much.
To play the devil’s advocate, a lower-key version of this might be the case. They have 25 birthdays to keep track of every year, just of their own progeny. Maybe this doesn’t mean nearly as much to them as it does to you, simply because next week there’s going to be another one for them to go to, and the week after that.
Note: this is not my personal view on the subject; just imagining a different perspective that might possibly make you feel better. I do this with my wife sometimes, and she kicks me hard. The internet offers some protections against this.
Um…Get over it? Reschedule it for the following weekend? (The kid won’t care.)
It’s a first birthday party, not a wedding, not even a Bar Mitzvah. As you pointed out, the kid isn’t going to remember – he’s going to eat chocolate cake with both hands, make a mess, have some presents opened for him, and then take a nap. It’s all very Norman Rockwell, but not necessarily something you’d expect someone to drive 1500 miles for.
Try looking at it from the other side. Because you’re making a big freaking deal out of a frankly insignificant event, you’re disrupting the social life of your Dad, causing untold stress to your wife and generating resentments that are going to echo down the years. Let it go.
10 kids and 15 grandkids is a huge amount of people to keep track of. Don’t any of them have birthdays in the last three months that the grandparents missed? I agree with the idea that the grandparents have given up untold amounts of time for their kids, and probably are thinking that they deserve to set their own schedule.
I could see being miffed about it, but not that much. It sounds to me like issues with your wife not getting enough special time may be the culprit. That’s totally understandable, but needs to be addressed independantly of this issue, if at all. The 1st birthday thing is not a Big Deal.
How about just suggesting that your family and grandparents have a low key dinner sometime soon after they get home? That way, the two families get special time with each other - and your wife gets some alone time with her parents as well. Plus, most one year old parties are a mob scene, especially with a big family like mine, and a nice quiet celebration may be great for the grandparents and you guys.
Ditto! I’m pregnant (my first) so maybe I don’t understand. Why couldn’t you reschedule the birthday to coincide with free dates for you and both sets of in-laws. I feel bad for your dad who had to go to all this trouble It’s one freaking birthday for a one year old who won’t remember or wouldn’t notice the difference between celebrating on the actual birthday or not.
If I was retired after raising 10 kids who produced 15 grandchildren, I’d love each and every one of them at my own pace. I earned my retirement and I will enjoy it under my terms and, if I miss one grandchild’s special event, I’ll just have to love them that much more when I do get to see them.
If my daughter and son-in-law don’t like it I will apologize for hurting their feelings and then I will continue to do things my way.
While I cannot really comment on the full family dynamic, I don’t really understand why you can’t have a separate birthday party when Grandma and Grandpa do make it a couple of days later. unless the in-laws are doing it out of spite, which you have not indicated anything of the sort, I would be pleased they are making the trip at all. And the question about three days earlier is a bit unfair, they might have some things they want to do before they leave for the summer, after all they won’t be back for several months.
Just from your description and nothing else, I think your wife is overreacting.
It matters not at all. Hell, I missed my fist daughter’s first birthday. (It was really unavoidable, but still, there you have it. She forgives me, by the way)
There are many more important things to get hurt feelings about over the next 17 years of raising this child.
I think this is part of the heart of the matter. That’s the reality of multiple-children homes; two albums full of pictures of the first kid, half an album of the second one, a handful of snaps of the third one, one picture each for any further children. (I’m a third, so there is still photographic evidence that I once was a child. ) Your wife has to take her parents as they come for her own happiness.
It’s (I assume) your first child, and it is the biggest thing in the world to you. It is your in-laws’ 15th grandchild, and simply not as special to them as it is to you (understandably). Please, don’t be those parents who think the sun shines out of their kid’s ass and need the world to agree.
What he said. In my opinion, scheduling some big to-do for a kids 1st birthday, and then getting pissed off over who chooses not to come, is one of the stupidest reasons imaginable to stir up family animosity.
It’s nothing to do with treating the kid poorly. The kid won’t notice anything is going on. First birthday parties are parties for the adults. Thank God my friends realized this and provided booze.
Most of my acquaintances now know this about me. If I am taking my son (now 10) to something, and it is age appropriate for their kids, I’ll happily take them along, be it baseball, museum, movie or anything. I enjoy spending time with their kids. But before their kids are old enough to interact with me, I’m not really the go to guy for that…
So I can see how your wife might see it as disrespectful to her. But it really isn’t disrespectful to the kid in the slightest. Use the guilt to hit them up for a nice contribution to a college fund.
Call me insensitive, but I think there is nothing more stupid than inviting people to a kid’s first birthday party!
!. The kid wouldn’t know the difference if Charlie Manson or Big Bird showed up.
2. The event is simply for parents to dote on their child and everyone else gets to go “ooo” and “aaa” and sit around like a lump.
3. If parents think a no-show is some horrendous personal slight and affront, they have more issues and problems than might be normal.
Yes, I’m sure. Grandma is a bit submissive to Grandpa’s demands with respect to this sort of thing (that’s not to say she’s a pushover). She told us she wouldn’t be making it in time for the birthday.
On paper, I’m cool with this. I know it’s their time to spend as they wish. I just can’t reconcile my feelings with my logic.
Yep, they’re well aware. In fairness, Grandma did express regret. It just bums me out and I feel like they should know that we’re bummed, but not so much that they should change their plans. I would NEVER expect or even suggest someone do this… just as I don’t think they can/should expect me to change ours.
The format here betrays me… my wife is disappointed, but not outraged, incensed, or in any way angry. Any anger is my own demon of my own making, and I try to be conscious to not allow it to infect others.
They have absolutely earned it. If they want 3 more days of Florida sun, they deserve it.
I have no idea, but if they didn’t, my in-laws would be more likely to sympathize, no? It’s hard to say. My folks are in their 50s. My in-laws are in their 70s. Ironically, my only living grandparent-in-law will be coming to the party. She’s 99 and a good, healthy, vibrant, witty 99 at that!
Clearly it doesn’t. I couldn’t dream of missing my kid’s 1st birthday without some enormous extenuating circumstance (jail, serving in the military, illness). Don’t worry, your shins are safe even if you were right here.
I can’t reschedule. My own father already changed his plans (without me prompting him or bringing it up.) He changed them on the basis that one of the days he’d be gone was my son’s actual birthday and he (correctly) presumed the party would the 10th. One of the surrounding weekends is Easter, and the other one didn’t work for some reason. And besides, the 10th makes the most sense.
Maybe it’s regional, cultural or just me, but I think a 1st birthday is on the Big Life Event list; maybe not near the top, but it’s on there. I don’t think of it as a fake event (e.g., Kindergarten Graduation ceremony). And it’s not them travelling 1500 miles. They’ll already be doing that. It’s choosing to not come home a few days earlier than planned.
For the record, this is their 6th snowbird season, and the 1st where they decided to come home after April 9th. Last year they were here in plenty of time for the birth. They chose to extend their stay later than any other year for their own pleasure - and they are completely entitled to do that.
I think I’ve either done a poor job expressing myself or that you’re reading something that isn’t there. I’m not making a big deal out of this to anyone. I’m just coping with my own Mundane Pointless feelings. This isn’t a blacklisting type violation. They can do as they please. I just was wondering if it was worthwhile to let them know that we are/were disappointed; the end result for me is to clear the air and let them know that we respect their choice, but were disappointed.
I didn’t ask or prompt my father to change any plans. In fact, I encouraged him to stop by (or not) on the way down to his golf trip (we’re literally less than 2 minutes off the route). He decided to change them on his own (or possibly at my mother’s request). I’m also not asking my in-laws to change their plans. I’d be thrilled to have them, but I don’t want them to be guilted into changing anything. No ultimatums, no threats, no stubborn remarks.
The only stress I’m causing my wife is through sarcasm. I’m absolutely not going nuclear on this non-problem.
There are enough birthdays and other events constantly going on that we’ll see each other soon enough. Who knows, they may even stop by on their drive up.
Easter and other obligations. IIRC, the adjacent weekend that isn’t Easter is another grandkid’s birthday. We wouldn’t want to “steal” his day.
It was his idea and his choice, and not us laying down some arbitrary, immobile date for a birthday party. I feel bad that he forgot his only grandson’s birthday and then compounded the problem by changing his plans which affected the plans of other unrelated people.
Would you know you hurt their feelings? Talking this out here has brought the issue into focus for me. I just want them to know that their daughter was hurt. They may be completely unaware as she is probably accustomed to (hyperbole warning) suffering silently, starved of attention from her parents.
No indication of that. Pop just sets a schedule in his mind and isn’t quick to adapt. This applies to everything. He absolutely won’t change a schedule once he sets it. It’s a compulsive behavior in his personality (but not to the point of a disorder).
As opposed to driving to Nebraska instead? Their home is in NJ. They are going home regardless of birthdays, where I live, etc. I don’t see any special effort here that I should be pleased with (but, of course, we’re always happy to see them home).
No they don’t. There’s nothing they are doing that couldn’t be done earlier. I’m not kidding when I say it is for 3 days of sunshine. That’s really all there is to it.
She’s not overreacting. She expressed mild disappointment. I’m the one that fans the flames. It’s not “in her blood” to hold grudges. I live to poison my soul with petty grievances and grudges. She’s the yin to my yang and keeps me in line with respect to proportional response… an internal meter that is seriously broken in my head.
LOL! So true! We have a family reunion (for wife’s side… just the 10 kids and their respective families) every so many years. At the last one, Mom made photo albums for all the kids with pictures from their childhood. My wife’s album was mostly filled with pictures of her siblings because there weren’t enough of her from 18 years of childhood to fill a very small album. No resent there, btw. We all noticed, and we all laughed.
Maybe the reason it’s gotten under my skin is that I’m “a first” and my wife isn’t. I see the “unfairness” (if you can call it that) and it bothers me to see the one I love to be treated so indifferently when she has that primal strive to make her parents proud. They’re not bad people, so I can’t just dismiss it. It’s like they are completely unaware that they cause (admittedly minor) pain.
2nd. And probably all the more reason for what I’m feeling. I don’t want to see my kids treated differently by others. They are both equivalently special to me. My 2nd kid shouldn’t be thought of as a throwaway. I know my mother-in-law must feel the same way. I remember her mentioning how her family all used to visit for births, birthdays, Communions, etc. for the first few children, and by the time #4-10 came along, they were lucky to get a card or a phone call. At some point my wife’s immediate family stopped being invited to her maternal family’s events because there were too many mouths to feed at a party. I dunno… I just think that someone who watched her own kids get slighted and treated differently as their numbers increased would be more sensitive to treating her own descendants the same way.
I’m not stirring up anything, am I? There’s no big to-do. We’re inviting my parents and my local siblings-in-law (and their spouses/kids). No ponies, no clowns. Just some food, coffee, and cake… the same thing we do for all of the other grandkids.
Maybe not, but it’s the first in what’s sure to be a series of being treated differently than the other kids/grandkids.
So is the expectation for these retired people with many children and grandchildren that they spend their retirement years shuttling back and forth to family birthday celebrations every two weeks (on average with 25 kids and grandkids)??
Think about it. Every two weeks. Attend another party for a child or grandchild. Over and over and over again. Until you die.
A kindergarten graduation is much bigger, realer event than a first birthday, IMO. First of all, the kid will *understand *that he’s graduating from kindergarten. Secondly he has a decent shot at *remembering *a kindergarten graduation. Thirdly, even a *kindergarten *graduation implies some greater accomplishment than simply not dying for a year.
Your son’s first birthday is a big deal to you, and that’s cool, it should be. Ain’t nothin’ to him, though.
You’re reacting the way you are because you feel protective of your wife. That’s entirely understandable. But these are her parents, and it’s ultimately up to her how much she wants to pursue it with them.
In my view, your role is not to confront her parents, but rather to comfort your wife and help her talk through whether she wants to confront them further. I understand that you can’t help being angry, but consider that expressing your anger may be counter-productive, if it’s making your wife feel more anxious or making it harder for her to open up to you about how she’s feeling.
) Your wife has to take her parents as they come for her own happiness.