You presume. If this is about any relationship, it is about their relationship with you and your wife. Your child won’t have any clue whether they are there or not. You cannot extrapolate from this that they will treat your child differently in the future because of this, because what they are doing by not coming to this party isn’t treating your child in any manner whatsoever. It is treating you and your wife differently to the other siblings.
My ex-wife’s parents treated us differently to her siblings. It annoyed me slightly (though not much because it meant I saw less of them) until I realized why it was. It was because we were both educated and had good jobs making good money; her siblings didn’t and needed the help more. And with thet help came overly oppressive attention.
No, but making a kid’s first birthday party, and other major milestone events would be nice if the worst inconvenience is leaving your 90+ day vacation the same time as other years rather than extending it such that you miss the party. I’ve seen them change their departure and arrival dates for more minor events in the lives of their family. Someone less reasonable would think they were being deliberately snubbed. I only think they are doing what they want (which is cool with me), and not realizing that we’re disappointed.
Their kids are dispersed around the country. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to be disappointed that they aren’t making it.
I know this is our own issue, but it’s also really embarrassing. I’m embarrassed that we’re going to get those disapproving looks from my family when they learn my in-laws aren’t coming. Not that our families have been best-buddies, but this won’t do anything to warm relations between them. I’d go so far as to say what is now pleasant and cordial will turn my mother into adopting a life-long grudge against them.
If you want to talk about unnecessary family strife, that’s going to be it. Every time we choose to spend time/holidays at the in-laws instead of my family, my crazy mother is going to parade this out. Naturally, I’ll confront it each time and not let my mother interfere, but what a pain in the ass.
There’s a LOT of that that has gone on, but I’ve seen that jealousy destroy my mother’s relationship with some of her own siblings. I don’t let that tempest in a teapot bother me at all. The good news is that even though they’ve managed their finances well for what they had, when you have 10 kids and Dad is a 5th grade teacher for all his life, what gets split 10 ways doesn’t amount to much. It’s not like I can get outraged that the irresponsible siblings squandered what would’ve been my kids college fund. (And besides, I’m of the opinion that we’re self-made… I don’t count on what our parents are going to leave behind)
Well, to be fair there is pain and unfairness for everyone no matter what their birth order. As the oldest child in my family I got lots of pictures and parties and all of the fawning that comes with being first but I also got shafted because I was the “practice kid” for my parents. Every parenting decision they made with me was new and when they figured out that they made a blunder and not to do that again it benefitted my brother. As they got older and further in their careers they had more money to give to him as well, so he got better birthday parties, a nicer car, etc. I also experienced the joy of my parents freaking out over every little thing. Want to stay out late? No way! Want to have a computer in your room? That is how predators find you! By the time they got around to my brother and realized kids are difficult to break they were much more relaxed and lenient. I also got shafted in the gift department too. Lots of stuff that was given to me as a birthday gift (most notably my mini-fridge and microwave that were birthday gifts the year I went to college) were taken from me and given to him later when he needed it.
She got shafted due to her birth order, yes. So does everyone else. Help her remember that when things like this make her sad and let her know it has nothing to do with her at all.
If you haven’t already told your mother about this, why not just have two birthday celebrations, one with your family and one with hers? This is a common arrangement in my family for things like birthdays. In some ways it makes for a better party because you can focus on one set of relatives at a time.
Since the rest of the ground has been covered, let me throw in my two cents. Stop with the snarky comments to your wife. They hurt her much, much more than her parents’ absence. Save them for your pals over a beer or let them out here or write a poison-pen novel or something.
And especially stop with the snarky comments to others in her presence if you do it.
This is entirely based on my own experience with my spouse who occasionally cannot control his need to make snarky comments about my family. I am certain it is meant well and I know it comes from a protective place. But it feels like having your guts shredded with a serrated knife to feel the need to defend the family of origin you are pissed at from the unfair depiction by the spouse you love.
1st birthdays are for the parents, not the kids. If the grandparents choose to miss it, it’s their loss. This has nothing to do with the grandchild and everything to do with their relationship (or lack thereof) with their daughter, or so it seems here. Graciously tell them that they will be missed and DROP IT. Forever.
Don’t rag on her parents in her presence- you guys are your own tribe now. Act like it, and support your wife no matter what- don’t remind her that her parents aren’t what she would wish them to be. She knows.
Believe me, I’ve been there- you are a team, and the rest of the world can stay away if they aren’t bringing something positive to the table. We are the family we chose- they are the family we (un)lucked into.
It sounds like it doesn’t take much for your mom to hold a grudge against someone. Will your family really be that pissed off at your wife’s family for not coming? Any idea why it matters that much to them?
I agree with those who’ve said that it shouldn’t really be that big a deal - yeah, if it’s important to you, then I can see being disappointed on your wife’s behalf. But it really is one of those events that will commemorated only by a picture of your kid covered in cake. Then again, this is coming from someone who a) didn’t even get her kid something for his first Christmas (I wrapped one of his toys in Christmas paper and he never knew the difference) or his first birthday, with the exception of a cupcake and b) whose in-laws live several continents away. I generally don’t have to deal with what my father-in-law thinks about how I raise my children, including how I celebrate their birthdays.
Ah, another piece of the puzzle. I can see why this additional layer of complexity is making you crazy. It sounds like your mom needs a reality check, too; I think you need to be careful here that you aren’t transferring your anger and frustration with your own parents to your in-laws.
You’re giving this far more symbolic weight than it merits. You’ll regret it more down the road if you don’t find a way to shrug it off than if you do.
Yep. If anyone asks, you are having a second birthday party, with your inlaws, in a couple of days. That way, the grandparents don’t have to share time with the grandkids.
We don’t always get the family that we need – theyare people that can’t or don’t or won’t live up to your needs or expectations.
It’s usually no reflection on you but more about whatever is going on with them, for good or for other.
And chances are the fact that they’re not doing what you need is hurting no one but you and your wife.
Thus the way out of it is to give up those expectations and move on with your life.
You and your wife can build the family you need – you can surround yourself with people who love you and want to spend time in your company, who want to be at your parties, etc.
The most loving thing your wife could do – both for herself and for her parents – is to let go of all of that and look to you and her children and her friends and other family members for what she needs.
The most loving thing you could do is to stop judging her parents and let them go do whatever they want to do.
I’m not saying cut them off or be rude – be kind and loving as you are more distant. Don’t waste five seconds feeling feel bad because they’re not able to do what you need. Accept that they’re coming from wherever they are and if they have little or nothing to give, that’s the truth of it.
To love them and let them go is actually the kindest and most loving thing you can do for everyone.
For those who would find fault with your in-laws, don’t allow that to go in your presence – your wife will feel defensive and embarrassed and you don’t want to put her through that either. “They have different ways of showing their affection and it’s all right.” And move forward.
It is their loss. Revel in your child and all those “firsts” and everything that with it. Happy Birthday to all of you.
One day when you come to the realization that the Star of David has not descended on your house upon the occasion of the anniversary of the birth of your first offspring, you’ll realize how truly self-aborbed you are being. Your in-laws have a life of their own and a whole gaggle full of children and grandchildren who want their attention.
If their presence was really that important to you, you should have asked all the key players AHEAD of time to query whether the date you picked was convenient. Had you done so, you could have saved your own father from having to cancel something important to him and your wife the disappointment of her parents’ absence. I’d never just set a date convenient to me alone and expect everyone to just fall in line.
Listen, your wife’s parents would undoubtedly move mountains for any of their children or grandchildren should they truly need help. That’s what really matters. So instead of trying to pick at a wound, why not just let it go already. Plan a second party when they can attend – all you’ll need is a Pepperidge Farm cake and a candle.
How lucky your son is that he has four healthy grandparents who can share in his life. Whether it’s on your schedule or theirs is a minor detail.
And with any luck, we’ll be celebrating one of those in June!
This isn’t really that big of a deal to me. I’m just bummed about it. Aw, shucks. I figure no good will come out of me politely expressing my disappointment to them, so I’ll just let it be. I don’t think I’m being self-absorbed.
Nah - your not self absorbed, jjust confronting/realizing some things for the first time and trying to figure out how to deal with them.
If your parents or in-laws treated their children/grandchildren differnetly, it would not be the first time such a thing has ever happened. And there isn’t all that much - if anything - you can do to change how they act. The only thing you and your wife have complete control over is how you act. Sure, it might be understandable to be somewhat disappointed/hurt/whatever in this instance - but I think it would be follish, unnecessary, and short-sighted to let this incident color the entirety of your relationship with these folk.
You say you are a little disapointed at this. Fine. Now honestly - do you think the in-laws would be there for you if you really needed it? Seriously, watching a kid smear cake on his face is not as important (IMO) as the many other ways in which family can really “be there” for each other. Now if you in-laws would not be there for you when the chips were really down - then fuck them. You wuldn’t be the first people to have shitty relatives. My FIL is a bigamist and MIL is a drunk. I’ll trade ya.
I don’t mean to insult you, but with a 1-year old there are a lot of family dynamics that you haven’t encountered yet. My wife and I got a lot of comfort when we fully acknowledged that the “family” that was the most important to us was our nuclear family - not the families we had grown up with. And we started making choices with our nuclear family’s best interests in mind, rather than just going along with tradition. At the same time, however, we did not expect anyone else in the world to think our family’s traditions, celebrations, milestones, etc were anywhere as important as we did.
How can you possibly know they are not remaining in Florida to await a friend’s biopsy report, or something similar? Because they haven’t shared that with you?
And how can your own parents become resentful, without you having fanned the flames? How would they realize an inequity exists unless you have made a point of it? Tread very carefully here.
You are a first born, she is 9th of 10, you are unlikely to be able to fully understand the dynamic of that, now, or ever. Your perspective has the potential to poison things, if you’re not very careful. I get that with 2 kids you would like equity in all things and you perceive great inequity for the 9th of 10. Until you have 10 kids, I doubt you’ll understand that it’s just how things are in large families. They’ve all came to terms with this, a long time ago, now it’s your turn, in my opinion.
These people are over 70 and have now attended at least 34 first birthdays. Think about that for a moment. Do not get upset on behalf of others, it is wrongheaded and can only lead to ill feelings. This includes a 1 yr old.
Think hard about this sentence you’ve written. When you define yourself, witty self awareness notwithstanding, you are creating your future, as the Buddhists would say. Try, instead, “I wish I were less inclined to … poison my soul with petty grievances and grudges.” Acknowledges what you perceive as the reality of your self assessment, but creates a very different future.
If you can acknowledge that these people would truly be there for you, in any truly dire circumstance, then you can begin to grasp the pettiness of this complaint.
We are the family we chose- they are the family we (un)lucked into.