Here you have a person making a mountain out of a mole hill
Really people, have you looked at the world? Have you gone out into it? Do you see the joblessness, the people that can’t afford healthcare, the credit crunch, people losing their homes, and here we have someone upset because the grandparents are missing a birthday and the kid won’t have even a clue if the grandparents are there or not.
How about asking all the parents of children who are disabled, or have autism or other illnesses? Would they trade places with you? I bet they would and they wouldn’t bat an eye.
It’s time to grow up and now is the time, the world doesn’t revolve around YOU nor your grandkids nor anyone else. This is nothing more than a “social slight.”
Is this the tone for the child’s life, going form one self induced crisis to another?
I’m sorry to sound rude, but stop whinging over every slight and start counting what you have going for you. So your in-laws are being jerks, perhaps. Have you never been a jerk?
I know some people will say, “But Mark a baby’s first birthday only comes once.” Correct, so stop making a mountain out of a mole hill and ENJOY that birthday. Don’t let other people dictate your happiness.
If the family spent half as much time planning on ways to enjoy the kid’s birthday instead of getting their feeling’s hurt there’d be no problem. Tape the birthday party and send it to the grandparents, you MOMMY and DADDY start making plans to enjoy your own child’s birthday.
Your kids first birthday is only of interest to you. Your kid has absolutely no interest in it. He will not remember it. Why is it so important to you? He also won’t remember his second.
We took my kid to Disney when he was 4. He does not remember a bit of it. We bought a time share there and he went many times and had fun later. But the first couple were for us.
Speaking as a second child, I’ll tell you here and now that your kids will NOT absolutely equivalent treatment in all (or even most) things, because everyone in their lives will have different financial states, emotional states, states of health, priorities, and demands on their time when the second one is at any given age than they had when the first one was that age. They’re going to have different personalities that people respond to differently. It’s just the nature of the beast. Your son will have to deal with this all his life, so you might as well all get used to the idea.
But just because their treatment is different doesn’t mean one is necessarily better or worse. It doesn’t mean anybody loves one more or less than the other. It just means that things were different, is all.
And as differing treatment goes, this is pretty small potatoes, because your kid isn’t going to remember this day for more than a couple months, tops. The day of, he’s not going to know or care that his grandparents weren’t there for his special, special day because babies don’t understand about birthdays. All they really get out of the day is “Oooh, there’s a bunch of people staring at me. Ooh, shiny. Ooh, shiny. Ooh, something pleasant to attempt to put in my mouth.” Save being upset for when they do something the kid will understand and remember, it’s easier on your stomach lining and your relationships with them and your wife.
As for your mom, tell her to sit down and hush. What goes on between you two and your in-laws is none of her business, for one thing. For another thing, it’s simply not reasonable to expect a family to treat 15 grandchildren the way you treat 2. I’ve been through this with my family and my brother’s in-laws–my niece is the only grandchild and oldest great-grandchild in our family, but she’s number 4 of 6 in my sil’s family. At first, my mother kind of took it as a personal offense the other grandparents didn’t make the same kind of fuss over the kid that we did, especially when the new baby smell was still really strong and the whole grandparent thing was still a novel experience, until she realized that you can’t multiply that sort of time and attention and spending by 4 and still have a life of your own.
It’s not that, but it may be related to the shuffleboard league they joined this year. Maybe the championship match is scheduled then…
They can stay there for whatever reason they like. I really don’t care if they come or not. My minor, but primary concern is that my wife’s feelings were hurt. I mused about whether the in-laws know this and if there was any “good” being done in letting them know about it. Ultimately, it’s my wife’s call, and she’s not going to do anything about it. That’s ok w/ me too. I’m not going to spoil it or blurt it out in some family fight.
My father-in-law is very much stuck in his ways and refuses to deviate from plans, but all-in-all, they are the 2 most mild-mannered people I’ve ever met. They are really introverted though, which I’ll never fully adjust to since I hail from a family of vociferously boisterous extroverts.
I haven’t fanned anything. My parents won’t know who’s not there until the day of the party. I need not say anything for them to realize my in-laws aren’t there, that they’re still in Florida. The question will come about very naturally… and I’ll quickly deflect it to my wife so that I’m not the one who says something acerbic about her folks.
Perhaps, but I still like my witty self-awareness and would prefer not to water it down.
I have little faith in anyone ever coming to my aid. They (and a few others) probably would, but this smidgen of fear is what keeps me going one day to the next. If there’s something to talk to a counselor about, this is probably on the checklist.
and to think elbows was calling me witty & self-aware…
Kids starving in China or Chippewa Falls aren’t mutually exclusive from me feeling whatever it is I feel about a minor issue in the scope of the universe. IOW, I can still feel how I feel and talk about it without forgetting that there’s joblessness, a health care crisis, earthquakes, etc.
Seriously? Seriously?! We can play that all day long. What about the parents who only have had multiple stillbirths? Would they trade places with the parents of autistic kids?
s’alright; it was good advice. I had/have no plans of truly letting this minor slight ruin any relationship. At most, I’ll probably just not give up my vacation time for the family reunion we’re going to this summer. I’ll work during the day and commute back to the cabins/campground in the evening. (It’s not close, but close enough to still see my kids and have a good time.) Dare I say it, we might all have a better time with me there a little less time.
This might really be what’s going on in my head. I was heavily involved in planning the family reunion. I don’t consider the work I did to have been wasted or ignored, but I got exactly zero of my requests met. They were simple too… mostly, I just wanted somewhere that had air conditioning where I slept. We did this once before in the dead of summer (when we’re doing it again), and I couldn’t sleep a wink in a 95-100 degree hotbox of a cabin.
I’m internally bitter about burning a week of my limited vacation time to spend it with my wife’s family-of-origin in a place that has very little to do, is oppressively uncomfortable, and doesn’t allow alcoholic beverages to make it more bearable.
My tit-for-tat self can reconcile the birthday absence with an extra week’s vacation for myself.
I think it’s perfectly normal for you to be somewhat self-absorbed about this - it’s a big first for you and your new family. But, as said earlier, it’s a first for youand your wife. I’d focus more, though, on making sure your mom doesn’t make your wife feel bad.
Your mom has no business making your wife feel bad because her parents aren’t there for whatever reason they’re choosing to remain in Florida for a few days. As someone who regularly deals with an overbearing, exceedingly judgmental (and verbal about it) mom, I don’t envy you having to rein her in, but you really need to. Don’t let her ruin your kid’s first birthday for the two of you.
I hope you all have a fabulous time - even though your kid won’t remember it, what a wonderful opportunity to get together with your family! Have a drink, relax and get a tarp!
On preview, it looks like you can’t have the booze - oh, well. At least put your feet up and enjoy.
See, here’s where it is your own fault, and you have no one else to blame. If you had been enough of a jerk towards you wife these past couple of years, you would have toughened her up enough such that this wouldn’t even appear on her radar. Sounds like you need to go out drinking with the boys more often. No need to call - you’ll be home when you get home.
Oh, we’ll have plenty of booze at the birthday party in April. I “can’t” have booze at the state park where we’re having a week-long family reunion in late July.
Exactly. And if you get thrown in the pokey for drinking a few brewskies, then at least you’ll escape the in-laws for a few days. And the jailhouse, presumably, will be air-conditioned.
I’m a law abiding citizen but even I would “risk” taking beer to a state campground. Geesh.
