I’m so very sad right now. I’m 41 married to a 61 year old. I deserve:
Sex (yes, oral, too)
Respect/Politeness…please, thank you, you’re welcome
Support
Affection
Is this really too much to ask? I’ve only been married four years. I’m the third wife. Maybe this is how marriage is and I just don’t know it.
I want a face to light up when I walk in the room. I want someone to tell me I look beautiful. I want this 61 year old to not even believe he gets to have sex with this pretty cute 41 year old (yeah, July 7th was great…nothing since then.) I know you had triple bypass surgery 7/7, but the doc cleared you for sex after 2 weeks. That can’t be your excuse. We hadn’t had much sex before then. I am too young for this. I have friends that love me and who think that I am the party, the friend, the whatever they need. I am that person. It used to be effortless…but I am becoming the opposite of that. I want to have a baby.
Anyway, I know; quit bitching about it and do something about it. Wish me luck!
I’m sorry you’re feeling down. What you’re describing has to be really, really frustrating. I can’t imagine being married to ANYONE, let alone being married and feeling the way you describe.
It’s hard for me to comment on the age difference, because I would never date someone that much older than I am so it colors my perception too much. I know it can be done and is done every day, but 20 years is a big difference in age. You are at two very different stations in life, and it seems that the younger person is usually the one who ends up losing out because the older person has been your age and doesn’t want to go back, so you end up living your life matching your experiences with theirs. So, in essence, you’re 41 and living the life of a 61 year old woman. That sure doesn’t sound fun to me.
His age, health, and attitude seem to be working against you. If you got pregnant today, you’d be bringing a child into a situation where their father will likely not live to see them become an adult. That’s a tough choice. Tougher still because you’re not having sex. Are you able to talk to him about these things, or does he not communicate?
You mention that this is his 3rd marriage. You certainly don’t have to answer it here, but you have to examine why the others ended. If they are for similar reasons as the ones you’ve expressed here, you might be in for a tough haul with getting him to compromise.
Ultimately, you can’t change someone. If you discuss these issues with him he will either try to provide you with more of what you want, or he won’t. What you’ll need to decide is if what he’s willing to give is enough for you. You’re still young and you do deserve to be happy.
Oh. My. God. Best reply every. Thank you kindly for offering just the kind of advice I need and not harshing on me for venting. You addressed every issue that I brought up and your answers were well thought out. You must be an excellent friend and I hope that your friends realize how lucky they are to have you in their lives. You are a gift.
I’m not as eloquent as Sleeps With Butterflies, but I am truly sorry to hear about your situation, Hazle. If your husband isn’t emotionally giving enough to even TRY to make up for the inevitable disparities caused by your age difference, get out right now. He sounds like he would be a jerk at any age, and I say this as someone who has watched her father treat her mother like dirt for 47 years now (they’ve been married for 50). You made a mistake, but it isn’t too late to reverse it. And if you genuinely want a baby, you don’t have a moment to waste.
I’m certainly not the go-to guy about relationships but isn’t there a considerable chance of Down’s Syndrome at your age? And at 61, won’t his sperm will have deteriorated too?
Oh, yes you are! Boy, it’s so heartening to hear non-judgemental advice coming my way. I wish we could all hang out and have a couple of drinks and be wonderful and smart and beautiful together. Appreciative gentlemen would be welcome!
Yes, but there are lots of women my age who give birth to perfectly healthy babies. I am not unaware of the risk. People who know me would consider it quite a waste (well, I would, too) if I didn’t have a baby. Not to toot my own horn, but I am amazing with the little ones and have had a huge impact on at least three… It’s my own fault for letting the current situation get out of control. Seriously, what do I expect…I get out now and now must find a guy pretty quickly with whom to have a baby? How is this even going to work? Do I put up with the current situation just to get a baby? At this point, yes, I would love to be with someone who appreciates, supports and is in awe of me…realistically, that old clock is ticking pretty loudly for me. I’m at a loss…
I am sorry to hear your news. I always say it is better to be alone than to wish you *were *alone…
I don’t know if this was just a need to vent, or if you are past the point of reconciliation, but I would say to you that life is too short not to be happy.
It is not too much to ask to want someone to care about you. I hope to find someone to care for me some day.
It is not too much to ask to want respect or courtesy.
At 61 he is unlikely to change considerably.
At marriage number 3 I have to say that maybe there was a reason the others ended.
Man, you guys are great. I wish you were my real life friends. Well, I’ve officially been up all night. Think this is weighing on my mind a little bit? Hey, keep the good advice coming. Off topic, I love my parents very much…my Dad is the love of my life and my brother understands me and thinks I’m “complex.” I could do a lot worse! AND they know that I love them, which is good! More later, if anyone is interested…
If you’re really worried about that, then let me tell you, my mom was only two years younger than you when she had me, and my dad was 49. I’m 28 now and still have both my parents, and I don’t feel I missed out on anything.
Have you been open and honest about your feelings with him? If you told him what you told us in your OP, what would happen? What do you think he would say? How would that make you feel?
I have to say it- you deserve a shot at what you want. Go get it. The longer you wait, the more resentful you will be. I know what it’s like to have someone tell you that they get butterflies when they see you, or their phone rings and it’s you, or they get a text from you. Believe me, it fucking rocks.
I know it’s awful because it’s all too similar to my own situation. Although I don’t know what good qualities you saw in this man before you were married, it seems apparent that they are not the combination that is right for you. Four years in to married life seems much too soon for you to be so unhappy (not that there’s ever a good time to be so unhappy).
If affection, good manners, and sex are missing in your relationship, those are pretty valid reasons to make changes in your life. Echoing Khadji’s observation, it’s no good to feel alone even when you’re not.
That’s perfect.
We are real life, and we are your friends. Everyone deserves happy, for some time I was where you are, and in response did things that made my wife feel like you. A while back, I more or less slapped myself in the head one day, realized that I had someone willing to stick around and work at us. It’s been work at times, but it made me realize that marriage is ALL about work, and play and compromise and teamwork and affection.
Your husband, like Sleeps with Butterflies said, has done this before and he should know all of the above. You being the cute 41 year old, maybe he had different expectations, on top of the bypass making him suddenly feel “old”. No one here knows everything going with you, but we all know that we all deserve happiness.
I don’t know anything about your husband, I don’t know whether he’d be willing to change for you, or even if he can. But he’s not the issue. You are.
You need to decide what you absolutely must have in order to be happy. Then tell him what it is, and ask him if he will do it for you. If he can’t, or won’t, then you have to at least try to find someone who will. 41 is far too young to give up on what you want in life.
There are never any guarantees that you’ll get what you want, but it’s far better to be alone with some hope, than to resign yourself to the life that someone *else *wants.
Raise the issues with him. Tell him your needs without attacking him. Ask him for change. Ask if there is anything getting in the way of his meeting your needs. Maybe he has an issue but he has not expressed it. Have a dialogue.
If he is willing to put forth the effort, give him the opportunity to make that change. Realize he will not permanently change overnight. It will take effort on his part. He will slip. When he does, remind him of your needs without attacking him or nagging.
Hopefully, with some time and effort, he’ll come around. If not, then consider counseling and/or reconsider the relationship.
How much did of this did you know you were getting into when you married him?
And I’ll be the ogre here- TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY FOUR MONTHS AGO CAN VERY WELL BE A DAMN VALID EXCUSE! If you were a 41 year old man complaining about how his 61 year old wife doesn’t have a valid excuse for not having sex four months after major surgery, you’d have been flamed by the second post.
Yes, you do indeed deserve respect, support & affection. However, how much of these you’ve been giving your husband. Also, how much of these did you have from him before your surgery? Did he always withhold these or has he just started? If he has changed since the surgery, there may be some physio-emotional side effects?
It may well be that he’s just not the husband you need nor are you the wife he needs. Best of luck to you. Best of luck to him. And most of all, best of luck to the hypothetical baby. I wonder when we’ll see a “My Baby Is Not What I Thought It Would Be” thread.
Sorry if I’m less than convinced by your total amazingness.
