I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t a Hollywood production. This is just a little old thread about someone’s point of view on a night they felt pretty low. I certainly didn’t try to be anyone’s heroine, and I assure you that you’ve said nothing here interesting enough to be a villain. Believe it.
I have had pretty deep depression after every major surgery I have had and my doc also said it is not uncommon. When confronted on why I wasn’t warned he said that there are many patients who will have every symptom they are warned about… I’m not convinced that is a valid excuse. This last time I began to wonder if it was actually withdrawal from the pain meds, but my doc would neither confirm nor deny that either.
Well, except for the age difference and the wanting the baby, you could be me. It is a shitty way to live your life-I’m not saying get out now, but if you’re thinking about it, that is a huge red flag in and of itself.
IMO, sounds like hubby may be somewhat depressed after triple bypass–not an uncommon thing at all. Nice that he’s been given the green light re sex and all, but the brain is the biggest sex organ and if he’s not ready psychologically or emotionally, it’ll be no go. Sorry, but he also sounds self centered (could be part of the depression or just him).
This baby thing, though–not so great. That will require more in depth talking, once the sex thing is resolved.
How about marriage counseling? At this point, it could only help clarify things for both of you.
Things were once, in fact, pretty great. I feel that he’s just settled in to a passive living out the rest of his life, while I feel mine is still just beginning.
Trust me when I say that he absolutely could not have had a better or more understanding caregiver. He said as much in a toast at his daughter’s wedding. I no longer have a job because of the thorough care I took of him. Yes, I am patting myself on the back. I was an excellent caregiver and those who were around at the time would be in complete agreement. The only thanks I got was the mention at the wedding. Not TO me, just ABOUT me. It was a touching toast, but just some gratitude and politeness on a daily basis would’ve meant a lot more. He has shown no signs of depression or lingering effects from his surgery. I know him well enough to know this.
I do want a baby and I will definitely wait until this is resolved. I would never have a baby in this situation. Someone else brought this up: I would love to adopt a baby, but, as with having one myself, the timing could not be worse. I do want more than anything to have a baby, but am not so blind that I would have one under the wrong circumstances.
Howzat?
Here’s a charming example from last night. We were having baked acorn squash for supper. He had put butter on his half and pointed out which half was his. I never use butter… I began salting my half and he said, “Hey, put salt on your own fucking half.” Not in a jokey way, either. Could this response be any more over the top or inappropriate?
1.) Uh, that was my half. You just told me it was.
2.) Don’t swear at me. It’s disrespectful and completely uncalled for.
3.) Apologize. You are a grown man.
What I did (and do) wrong: didn’t call him on it. He flies off the handle at such small things that it’s just not worth it. I’m working on my assertiveness, so please don’t call me on it. I’m admitting right now that I need to be more proactive, so don’t work me over for it.
Maybe you should invest in another plate.
But seriously, if I talked to my wife that way I would expect to find the squash in my lap and be sleeping on the couch until I apologized.
Regarding the surgery - Jim had a gall bladder surgery this March (the big one, not the little three-holes and out one), and he is still getting back to normal. His dad had almost the same surgery years ago, and he said it took him a full year to get back to completely recovered. Major surgery takes time to get over completely.
As for the sex, that’s up to you to ask for what you need, and decide if you can live without it if he won’t provide.
As for the respect and bare minimum of courtesy, that’s not negotiable. Even when couples are fighting and not getting along they should still be respectful of each other. What you are describing is borderline abusive (you walking on eggshells so you don’t set him off, him blowing up at you over anything). That ain’t right.
Counseling, counseling, counseling–and if he won’t go, YOU go. It will help you gain perspective and assertiveness.
There are some major issues here–that degree of nastiness over something so small is not good…
When I read your OP, the surgery thing just struck me badly, and probably affected the way I read the rest of your post. There just seemed to be a, I guess, flightyness in your descriptions of yourself & your desire for a baby that seemed too removed from reality, and no one seemed willing to counter that. So I did so & was too blunt in the way I put things. For that, I am sorry. I could have & should have been gentler in what I said.
Is he getting some sort or counseling? Are you? Couples counseling would be ideal, of course, but if he won’t go, you do need to take care of yourself as you face some difficult choices ahead. It may be the best thing for you both is to stay together but it’s quite possible that might not be a healthy option for you.
If the squash incident is symbolic of your relationship and he can’t/won’t improve things, you should not have to deal with that for any extended time.
I am glad about you clarifying that you are waiting about having a baby. So help me, I got the idea you were about ready to go off on a baby-making project in the next few weeks.
All the best to you, and to him- and again, I am sorry that what I intended to be a “get back to earth” message came across as a board upside the head.
Thank you, FriarTed. I’m glad we both clarified our posts. See, a dude I don’t even know apologizes to me right away, and the husband wouldn’t apologize at gunpoint. That’s a most excellent point for me to consider!
That drip, drip, drip of other issues emerging . . .
No, no, no…do not even go there. I knew I’d regret bringing that up! It was just a temp job that was winding down anyway, but just wound down faster. I was actually ok with it because it did, in fact, allow me to spend all of his recovery time with him. Whew, hope I caught that one before it got out of hand.
Also, FriarTed, that baby-making project line cracked me up…and I definitely needed to be cracked up!
Friar Ted, It takes a big man to apologize… good on ya!
Hazle, do me a favor and PM me, I want to ask you soemthing HUG
I have several friends who waited until 40+ to try to have children. Their stories end several different ways, both happily and unhappily. Based on their experiences, I suggest you think about whether the following advice fits your situation.
This advice is based on the assumption that you REALLY want a baby, and aren’t just wistfully thinking “oh gosh, it would be nice, someday, not sure if it will really happen or if I really care…”
If you would find it a great disappointment never to have a baby:
(1) LOSE NO TIME IN STRAIGHTENING OUT YOUR LIFE, THEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. It is very commendable that you understand it would be a bad idea to bring a baby into your current situation, and I admire you for that. But you haven’t got a moment to spare. Every day you wait is a day that your fertility is decreasing. I know that’s a bummer, but pretending that’s not the case won’t change things. So move as fast as possible to fix what’s broken in your life.
(2) COME TO GRIPS NOW WITH THE VERY REAL PROBABILITY YOU WILL NEVER GIVE BIRTH. Even if your personal situation magically changed overnight, you might not get pregnant. As it is, you need to end this relationship and either find a new one with someone who wants to become a father right away, or figure out the logistics of becoming a single mom. That will take lots of time, and may not ever work out satisfactorily.
Those two pieces of advice are almost contradictory, but to maximize your chances for long-term happiness, somehow you need to do both. In other words - make every effort to move forward with having a baby in a secure, happy situation, but also wrap your head around the idea that you can lead a fulfilling, happy life without giving birth.
If the advice above doesn’t seem to fit your situation, maybe it doesn’t - that’s your call. But, as I say, I’ve had several friends deal with wanting babies in their 40s, and with hindsight, the advice above would have been right for them.
You don’t need me to tell you to not make a baby with someone you are so uncertain about even being a good man, much less a good husband, right? Just ask anyone on the boards who had a baby with a loser, and how much fun it was dealing with the father of their children forever who they would much have preferred to leave long behind.
I don’t know if this is being all that fair to the husband. From what the OP describes, he may very well be as unhappy that he’s married to her as she is to him, but that hardly makes him a loser.
And though no-one has mentioned it so far, I figure it’s worth stating explicitly: being unhappy in a marriage is never a license to cheat. If it’s not working, end it first and then find someone else. Or come to some other arrangements with your husband if he’s “open” to the idea. But do not cheat: experience on these boards tells me that betrayal of trust never gets much of a sympathetic ear around here.
ETA: I absolutely, positively know that the OP never mentioned anything about cheating. But with all the advocation to “do something”, I don’t think I’m out of line to point out that nobody AFAIK is advocating to do that. Anyway, my 2 cents.
Very well said; and I listened closely!