My Life is Not What I Thought It Would Be

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

No, but He also wasn’t a cheerleader and enabler to those who only complained about others & showed no sympathy for their problems and no self-awareness as to their own limitations. Kevin Smith actually debuted the Buddy Christ concept as a parody of the shallowness of Happy Happy Joy Joy Religion. Granted, it’s kinda taken on an different meaning since DOGMA.

I do feel for Hazle and I expressed sympathy for the parts where she really is being done wrong (the lack of respect, support and affection). The whole self-promoting, surgery-trivializing, baby-fetish thing is where she lost me.

…

I thought I had sent this but I got distracted & must not have, and I see there have been a more varied range of opinion.

I was not trying to be nasty. I was trying to counter-balance the Oprahite rah-rah comments which just fed her self-absorption.

I’m glad to see that others are giving this whole thing a second look, also. ESPECIALLY WHEN A POTENTIAL BABY MIGHT BE INVOLVED.

42

You did. See post#30.

You are citing Kevin Smith as an authority on your religion?

43

:smack: Yeah, I see that I posted that now. I honestly overlooked that before.

And yes, sometimes I will cite Kevin Smith. DOGMA has more honest Christian spiritual depth than most of the turn-of-the-Millenium Apocalyptic movies out there at the time.

44

Yes, you do deserve those things, and no, this is not how marriage is supposed to be.

I’ll leave the sex question alone because I can’t really judge the medical situation. I will say that though Mr. S and I are very happily married, we have sex less often than the “average” of twice a week or whatever. But it’s quality over quantity at Casa Scarlett. :slight_smile: We’ve talked about it, and we agree that if for some reason the sex went away, we would still be quite happy. We spend a lot more time doing little schmoopy things (holding hands, quick smooches in the grocery line, little looks, etc.) than knocking boots – and we can do them in public too. :slight_smile:

My mother has spent 40 years married to a man who gave her no respect, affection, support, etc. He did not light up when she entered a room or tell her he loved her. Now he’s on his deathbed, and I’m fairly certain that once all the hoopla is over, her life will be better. But she spent 40 miserable years hoping that he would change. What a waste of her life.

And from the child’s point of view, it wasn’t much fun growing up in that household. I developed some pretty strange ideas of what (1) men and (2) marriage were like. Neither one was very appealing.

But somehow, like EJsGirl, I found a man who is kind, decent, funny, and all sorts of wonderful things. He lights up when I enter a room and misses me when I’m gone. I’m no runway model, but he calls me “babe” and can’t keep his hands off me. I never pictured life being anything like this, and I’m still completely amazed by it. We both grew up to believe that life is supposed to suck. But it doesn’t have to. Really.

Oh, and he’s 12 years older than me. So age doe not have to be a dealbreaker in and of itself. It’s all about the person you choose to be with.

Granted, my opinion is colored by my past and especially by my mother’s experience, but I agree with Khadaji that it’s better to be alone than to wish you were.

45

What ivylass (and others similarly) said. If it turns out you’d be better off outside this relationship, you also need to figure out how it is you ended up in a relationship seemingly completely wrong for you, and how to avoid that in the future. You can’t change him, but you can change how you approach the concept of a relationship and what things you seek out.

46

If anyone ever wondered what Alanis Morissette Irony is, look no further.

47

I was kind of with you until you got to that nasty crack about baby-fetishizing. Unfortunately people don’t often think about scenarios where one person changes their mind on this issue and the other one doesn’t but I do consider it a fair reason to end a marriage.

That said, I agree that the lack of respect, sporadic demonstrations of affection…the clues to issues most personality traits are usually apparent before you get married. If you end this relationship you ought to consider whether or not you go for certain types for whom you have little affection once the initial glow of the relationship wears off.

48

One thing I have learned in marriage is that “right vs. wrong” means nothing. I could be the referee in a Harvard Rules Debate and say that you win a point for needing sex and a child, and that he loses a point for doing what he does, but it doesn’t matter.

Your marriage is about what the two of you want now and in the future. You can come on the Dope and have all of us side with you, but what will that gain?

I know I posted about my wife in the smoking thread, so that probably seems a silly thing for me to say, but it is different. This is making you unhappy as a person. If you can’t communicate with him one on one about this, your marriage won’t last.

I wish you the best.

49

No, it is not supposed to be that way. That’s why the other two ladies left.

Are you willing to consider adopting a child instead of attempting a pregnancy?
If you’re willing to consider adoption, then the situation is not nearly as urgent (though some adoption agencies are hesitant about older parents, I know it does happen).
However, if I were you, and had decided giving birth to a biological child was a big deal to me, I would be looking into getting a sperm donor and trying to prepare for the idea of being a single mom, honestly.
For every older woman we find out about that has a healthy baby after 40, there are a number of other women we don’t hear about who can’t get pregnant at all, have repeated miscarriages, or do get pregnant but undergo abortions because of conditions like Downs Syndrome.
If you feel having a biological child is important to your happiness, you really can’t afford to stick around to wait and see if your hubby will change or spend months/years getting to know a new guy to see if he is any better. That’s why I’d go to the sperm donor route - if, as I said, you’ve decided that really is what you want out of life.

It might also be in your husband’s best interest to end things sooner rather than later. He is not going to get any healthier as he gets older, and he’s probably expecting his wife will be there for him as his health declines. If that is not the role that you want, in fairness to him, it’s best to set him free to find someone who wants the same kind of life he does and can be there for him as he gets older.
Just imagine if he had another major health event with disabling consequences (perhaps something like a stroke) and then he was no longer able to take care of himself at all. Then you’d really be stuck. If you’re not happy, for the sake of both of you, it’s probably best to part ways now so both of you can seek the things you really want out of life.

50

Does your husband want a baby? If not, you need to decide–and soon–whether being this man’s wife or being a mother is more important to you. Either answer is okay, but it doesn’t sound likely that you’re going to be both.

51

My first thought after reading your post was whether your husband wants a baby or not.

If not, that may your answer for the lack of sex right there. He could be using abstinence as his form of birth control.
And if he doesn’t want a baby, did you know that when you married him?

My husband was very iffy on wanting a baby, and scared to death to start trying. But we discussed it a lot and decided to give it a go about 4 years into our marriage. I was almost 39 and he was 40 when we had our son.
Let me tell you this. We love our boy to pieces, but wish we were 10 or 15 or 20 years younger almost every day!
So, I cannot imagine having a child at 61 or older. Whew.
And even if you(OP) are young and fit, and willing to do all the work, it might still weigh on your husband a lot, thinking of children at his age.

Also, does he already have children, or even grandchildren? If so, he may be very satisfied with that part of his life.

I guess I have no advice to offer, really. I do wish you well. And agree that you have some tough decisions to make, and that you need to make them sooner than later.

Oh ya, without going into a lot of detail(so as not to gross out my doper friend who knows me IRL for nearly 25 years), I will say this…sex drives come and go. They always seem to be out of synch. When he wants it, I don’t and so on. That can happen at any age, and it can last for a few days, weeks, or months. It is great when you are both on the same page, so to speak, but can be rare. That is just something the hubby and I have learned to live with. We are very happy with each other, and could withstand a sexless marriage if we had to. Not everyone can, and that is fine too.

And just a note about oral sex(close your eyes Scarlett67). I used to be the oral sex queen, and hubby knew how damn lucky he was. When all his poker buddies were bitching about their wives never even doing it let alone…um you know…he just sat there mute, with a silly grin.
But now…not so much. In fact for some reason it has really been a turn off for a long time. It is just one of a million little things that changed after I was pregnant and had my son. One word, GAG. I am very thankful he hasn’t run off to file divorce papers or anything. Whew!

p.s. I still give it the old college try now and then :wink:

52

I think I’m too old to be a father to a newborn. I’d really like to know that I’d be able to raise him, get him through college, etc. I’m just not sure I’d have the energy. I’m 45.

I know, I take things too seriously…but I think having (and more importantly, raising) kids is a serious business. If you had the baby today, he’d be 79 when the child graduates high school?

I wouldn’t diss you for having one. In the intervening years between the birth of a child and graduation, modern medicine may make 79 the new 59, for all we know. But he did just have a bypass so…

As for the sex drive, when I was nineteen, I only had sexual thoughts on days with a y. I find the hormones have cooled quite a bit since then. By the time I’m 60…?

My WAG is that he’s feeling his mortality. If you can reassure him, build him up, let him know he’s still the guy for you, that he’s still got plenty of miles left on him, and so on, maybe that will turn things around. Jumping in the shower with him or modeling some lingerie might not hurt either.

But if those don’t do it, then you need to have a frank discussion. In all fairness, were you burning down the bedroom back when you were dating? Did you discuss the possibility of children when you married? A lot of times I think one person is operating under the “original agreement” and the other has let it slip. Sometimes you can get back to that original agreement but if circumstances have changed, renegotiation may be an option.

If you still can’t get anywhere, consider counseling. I’ve posted elsewhere that IMO counseling is often a swan song. Sometimes people wait till their problems have problems, and by that time it can’t be untangled…so push the panic button prematurely if you must. But even if it does turn out that counseling doesn’t work and you have to walk away, at least you’ll know you exhausted every possibility.

Good luck!

53

Thank you very much.

Friar Ted. His surgeon and cardiologist were amazed by his quick and full recovery. Even before his surgery, the surgeon said that he could absolutely have sex after 2 weeks. I totally let him be in the lead; there’s no way I wanted to make him feel rushed, uncomfortable or inadequate. I took tremendous care of him during his recuperation. Four weeks after the surgery I asked if he would like oral sex and I was shut down hard. I appreciate that almost no one “flamed” me. I really wasn’t trying to come across as a whiny, why me?, and it seems that most people didn’t see it that way, which I appreciate. I do admit that I need to either do something more agressive about the situation or get out of it.

Man, between going down in flames in the GD thread and Friar’s response, I think I’ll step away for awhile.

Everyone else…sincere thanks. I mean it!

54

[quote=“ivylass, post:33, topic:472846”]

No, this isn’t how marriage is. Well, some marriages. But not truly happy ones.

I have some questions, if you don’t mind.

How long did you date before you married him? About 4 years.

How did his other marriages end? Wife #1 (who is, tragically, dying of cancer)I get along with better than he does and better than I do with the older daughter.

Does he want children at his age? He said that he would do it for me. Shoud’ve paid more attention to that Friends episode when Monica broke up with Richard because he didn’t reall WANT to, but he WOULD.

What does he say when you mention the lack of affection? Kind of a that’s-just-how-I-am thing.

When we got married he was 57. Are you guys really telling me that those four years make such a difference in the sex life?

Also, I really don’t see the supporting comments as any kind of rah-rah-sunshine-up-my-skirt-kind of thing. They’ve been honest and insightful and most welcome.

It’s true, he’s probably not going to change. I just need to get off my ass and lay down my concerns and see what can be done. I’m not gonna lie though, it’s gotta wait until after Thanksgiving. This is going to be tough and there will be too much family around.

He claims I have his “ears,” thens snaps at me when I try to address even the smallest things. Is it ok if I write some of this down and refer to it? Seriously, I’ve got a lot to say and afraid that I will get upset and lose my train of thought, or, worse yet, back down.

55

He has a son my age and two daughters, ten and more years younger than me. A grandchild is on the way in January.

Oral sex used to be a given part of the old repertoire; it was reciprocated, let’s see oh about 3 times in eight years, so I just quit doing it. I just basically figured he was “old school” about the whole thing and just wasn’t up for doing it anymore.

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. Sweet dreams.

56

Am I reading this right…you had sex the last time on July 7th…and he had triple bypass on July 7th? If that’s the case, he may be associating sex with his heart problems which could easily result in a performance issue.

Good grief, people,… 61 is not one foot in the grave. He should be perfectly able to perform in the bedroom at 61.

Someone upthread also mentioned mortality. Bypass surgery is a big deal. Have you considered that he may be going through a period of depression? A good friend of mine had bypass surgery in her early sixties and found that she was extremely depressed following her recovery. At a time when she thought she should be on top of the world because her heart was repaired, she found herself in an all-time low.

She sought counseling as well as talking with her surgeon. As it turns out, depression is a common result of bypass surgery… so much so that she complained that no one prepared her for it ahead of time.

IMO, you have a couple of different issues. Is the being disrespectful, unaffectionate, or just simply not polite a new behavior or was he like that before his surgery?

57

My father-in-law had bypass surgery twice and his wife said that both times he was absolutely horrible to live with for one year afterwards. My friend’s husband had bypass surgery and was absolutely horrible to live with for one year afterwards. There might be some after affects of this surgery that commonly cause personality changes.

Were you happy before the surgery?

58

OK. now I almost feel bad.

Full physical recovery is not the same as full recovery. Things don’t sound like they were so great beforehand & now they’ve really hit the skids. I am sorry about that. I hope you two find what you need. But the last thing such a situation needs is a new baby and the last thing a new baby needs is such a situation.

If you said that things weren’t great and have only gotten worse, showed more understanding about his recovery or lack thereof, admitted that you weren’t perfect, and noted that you wanted a baby but would wait till you were in a better situation, you’d have had my full support. But you didn’t.

I don’t know if I’ve ever flamed anyone on the SDMB, but I can assure you- what I said to you was NOT a flame

59

You latched on to the sex part like a pit bull on a wandering child and it seemed as if you didn’t bother noticing the rest of her post.

Somehow I think she’s better off without your full support.

60

I read the whole thing & commented on the whole thing. Mr HW sounds like no great prize & she may well be better off w/o him. She made a big deal of the no sex part - I made a big deal out of the surgery being trivialized, her self-congratulatory tone & her wanting to bring a baby into the chaos.

You got to be her first Heroine here. I get to be the first (only?) Villian. I’m OK with that.