She’d been failing for awhile, and last week got pneumonia. She was in a nursing home and made it clear early on that she wasn’t into hospitals. Nowadays they honor that kind of request, thank God.
I knew earlier today that the end was coming, so I spent much of the day with her and said all the things I wanted to say. The nursing home staff told me that she was “unresponsive” but I got her to smile and even almost laugh. Of course that made her choke, but humor is important to her and me. It’s a gift she gave to me (and I’ve given to my daughter).
I didn’t know how I’d do with all this, but it seemed very natural. I hung out and reminded her of all the wonderful events in her life and all the ways that she made me who I am, in the ways that I am proud of. Went home for awhile and did the things you do - make dinner, clean up, close up shop, put the kids to bed - and then around 11pm I went back to the nursing home.
My mom’s breathing was labored and she had a fixed stare. I sat with her and held her hand, told her more things I wanted to say, and then told her it was time to let go. And she did. Just like that. She stopped breathing and I put my hand on her neck and felt her heart stop. I thought before then that I wouldn’t want to hang around after she died, but I did. I could feel her presence in the room and I was so glad she wasn’t alone. I put on her favorite Botanical Garden tee shirt and put makeup on her (she was always very vain about that). Eyeliner, rouge and Bright Red Lipstick. I sat with her a long time, and then I came home.
My nine year old daughter woke up when I got home and I told her stories about my zany mom. She doesn’t even remember when my mom could talk, but I’m gonna tell her everything, dammit. My mom was a character, a wild woman, an adventuress who had an uncanny life. And she lives on through me.
I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
And may I say that your daughter is very blessed to have/have had such wonderful women in her life? Sounds like she’s gonna carry on the family tradition of wild, zany, adventerous women.
Not a lot else I can really say, 'cause words don’t exactly cut it in times like this. Jillgat, love, you take care of yourself and bear in mind that you did exactly the right thing by your mum. What a wonderful person you are. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’ve been there too. I know what it’s like to watch someone you love slowly slip away. You and your family are in my thoughts. Remember to take care of yourself as well during this time.
Oh, Jill. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mother was one lucky lady to have someone like you in her life because you are a celebration of her life. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. Take care.
