My Mom died.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

No, not from COVID-19.

She passed away on January 5 at the age of 78. She had had a series of small strokes several years ago which left her physically frail. She then developed severe COPD (she’d been a heavy smoker for many years). My brothers and I finally talked her into selling her house and moving to a senior apartment building. It was perfect for her; she could still be independent to a degree, but help was available if she needed it, and the option to step up to assisted living would be there for the future. After a few months, she finally admitted that she really liked her new place. Her health began showing some improvement. She seemed happy.

Then around Thanksgiving she started complaining about back pain, and made a doctor’s appointment. None of us was prepared for the diagnosis: Cancer. She had a tumor in one of her kidneys, and it had metastasized into her spine and ribs before it was discovered. That’s what was causing the back pain.

It sounded pretty dire, but there was some hope. The oncologist suggested targeted radiation to ease the back pain and possibly slow the cancer’s spread in her bones. If that was successful, then immunotherapy might have a chance to shrink the cancer. There was no hope of a cure, but we thought we might be able to give her another good year or two at least.

But then, on New Years Eve, she was admitted to the ICU with pneumonia. In her already weakened state, her immune system just couldn’t handle everything that was going on. I got on a plane in San Francisco in 2019, and got off in Raleigh/Durham in 2020. When I got to the hospital, she was awake and alert, and her usual stubborn self. They were pumping her full of antibiotics and it looked as if the pneumonia might clear up enough to resume radiation treatments.

Over the next couple of days, though, despite the antibiotics, she struggled to breathe. Oxygen was turned up to the max and a bipap machine helped, but her lungs just weren’t up to the task. She slipped away on a Sunday evening with her sons at her side. The official cause of death was respiratory failure; really, cancer, pneumonia, and COPD all ganged up on her and took her down.

When my Dad died back in 2010, I was on here before, during, and after describing what I was going through. The Dope was a great source of comfort and support at that time. In this case, for some reason, I haven’t wanted to share this news until now. I suppose we never know how we’ll deal with certain things until they happen. I know this has been a long post. I’ve been thinking about Mom a lot while sitting at home the last couple weeks, and just writing this has felt like a bit of therapy. If you’ve read this far, thank you!

As an aside, I can’t even begin to imagine how worried I would be about Mom right now during this coronavirus thing. Perhaps the timing was merciful.

2

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. No matter age or circumstance, losing a parent is a very profound loss, I believe.

Wishing you comfort and peace.

3

My condolences to you and your family.

4

Sorry you have to go thru this. My mother died in 2008 and my dad in 2011, and each of their circumstances were a lot like you described. It takes a while to heal and it is never quite done. Take care of yourself.

5

I’m sorry for your loss.

Coincidentally, I’m still dealing with my mother’s estate (IRAs). She died in 2005. I know you have other things on your mind, but do take care of the legal stuff ASAP. I’m hear to tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.

6

I’m so sorry you lost your mom. I was thinking the other day how relieved I am that my mom and dad, who died in 1988 and 2010 respectively, are not around for this virus (and other things), but I still miss them daily.

7

My most sincere, heartfelt sympathy.

When your mother dies, you feel empty, alone. There is no figurative lap to hold you when times are bad.

May you find comfort in your memories.
~VOW

8

Wheelz, I am very sorry. I’m glad you were able to be with her.

Grief takes different people in different ways, and sometimes in odd ways. Grieve in the ways that you need to.

9

I’m sorry, Wheelz. I remember losing my mother, several years after my father died. It stuck me, as a single woman with no kids (although I have siblings), that now, even though I was 50 at the time, I was really on my own. I took for granted the support of my parents. No more safety net, even though I rarely needed it.

StG

10

That loosey goosey, I’m now on my own feeling nearly broke me after Daddy died. (I had been motherless for many years)
Take time. Grieve at your own pace.
I wish you peace and send you {{{hugs}}}

11

I’m so sorry, Wheelz.

I’ve been grappling with the thought that my parents might not survive this pandemic, and it breaks my heart. I don’t know if it’s realistic to think I’ll ever be ready to say goodbye, but I’m sure as hell not there yet.

12

Condolences over your loss and thank you for your thoughtful post. I lost my mother last May and was proud to be the person who wrote and presented her eulogy at the two memorial services held in her honor.

The act of writing the text for these helped me deal with the grief as it forced me to concentrate over the good parts of her 91 years. Please share a few of the good times you had with her as well.

13

An interesting thing is that after Dad died, the last few awful days of is life were all I could think about for quite a while. It took me a long time to be able to access the happy memories and begin putting the trauma of his death into the background.

With Mom, for whatever reason, the good memories came about faster and easier. When I think of her, I picture her younger, laughing, not in a hospital bed.

I have no doubt she loved me and my brothers, but she absolutely adored her four granddaughters (my older brother’s kids). My favorite memories are the whole family around the Thanksgiving table - me, my two brothers, our wives, my four nieces, two of them eventually with husbands; the brood kept growing - conversing, arguing, laughing, and Mom usually just took everything in with a big smile on her face.

In 2018 and 2019, respectively, her first two great-grandsons were born. My god, did she light up around those babies! I’m so glad she got a chance to meet them.

14

I’m sorry for your loss, Wheelz. My mother died four months ago under similar circumstances.

So as not to co-opt your thread, I’ll just say that I completely understand—and identify with— the sense of relief that your mom is out of reach of COVID-19.

15

Condolences.

16

My sincerest condolences, Wheelz.

I could have written that post myself, almost. Not wishing to hijack, I lost my mother on 4th January in almost the same circumstances. She was 85 and had been in an “independent living” flat for sixteen years. She had very bad pneumonia 18 months ago and was diagnosed with lung cancer. She kept things very much to herself and never said anything to me or my brother about life expectancy but I thought it would be a year at best. She had a long-standing history of COPD, had been subject to lung problems (bronchitis and pleurisy) for many years, and had been hospitalised with pneumonia several times. We joked that 2019 was the first Christmas she’d spent at home in her flat for about four years, usually she ended up in hospital just before xmas and I spent most of my break from work driving the 140-mile round trip to spend time with her.

When someone says they know how you feel, believe me, I do! And I share the feeling of almost relief that mum’s not around now, I can’t imagine how I would have coped with this situation and all of her health issues.

17

Very sorry for your loss. Best wishes.

18

No need to worry. Of course I know I’m not the only one to have gone through something like this, and I absolutely welcome anybody who wishes to share whatever they like.

I do appreciate all of your kind words and thoughts!

19

RIP.

20

I’m so sorry. I understand. When my dad died I had trouble saying it out loud. I guess I kind of felt on some level that if I didn’t speak it, maybe somehow wouldn’t be real any more.