My mom loves me enough to tell me, "Hide the child porn"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

My mum is convinced i’m gay and in the closet, because i’ve never brought home a girl. So i’m subjected to conversations like this;

Mum: Hey, did you know <random famous person> is gay?
Me: Yeah, I knew that/Nope, really?
Mum: So, you know, it’s ok… He’s a good actor, you know. I like him.
Me: …I’m not gay, Mum.
Mum: I’m not accusing you of anything! I’m just saying, if you were, that would be fine.

…*every time * she hears about some famous person’s sexuality, or has some pretense to bring the subject up, despite me pointing out that actually i’m just a rather unpopular geek. It’s nice to know i’d have her support, I guess, but she brings it up all the damn time.

22

Hee! That’s great!

When I was 15 or so my mother came to me because she found some porno sites in the family computer’s history and thought I was looking at them!

I pointed out to her that :

  1. There was also a 12-year-old boy living in the house (I didn’t dare mention Dad)
  2. I can see boobies any time I want to.
  3. If I did view porn sites she would never know - I would make damn sure not to leave them in the history. I was also the only one in the family computer-savy enough to hide my tracks.

I have no idea where she got the idea.

23

I also vote that your mom’s concern is for that random kiddie porn that the scary internet sends to people’s computers whether they want it or not. My own mom has a problem with pop ups and such because she will click on anything so in Momcyberspace, I’m sure it seems like a complete crap shoot that any given computer will have porn on it at any given time.

Heh Larry, our moms must be on the same speed when it came to the “the talk.” My mom faked me out once though – she started what I thought was “the talk” when I was preparing to go to visit a college boyfriend, and she launched into all this vague stuff about taking personal responsibility and being prepared and the importance of good health practices. It turns out she was talking about REMEMBERING TO BRING MY TOOTH BRUSH. Did she really think I couldn’t manage to brush my teeth on my own at the age of 21 without her guidance?

24

1/ Mother, after a girlfriend and I had wandered through the garden the morning after the GF stayed over for the first time the previous night:

“If I find any of that in the house I’m going to the police!”
“Any of what?” (confused)
“That - that - that - Morning Glory!”
“What!” (really confused) “Morning Glory? What are you talking about?”

It turns out she knew - or got the impression from somewhere - that the Morning Glory vine (all over our back yard then) contained hallucinogens. So not only did she know this, not only did she think it was what we were doing in the garden, but it was the only possible explanation that even occurred to her! Thanks, Mom, I had no idea … now if I had been the drug-traking sort …
2/ Ex-wife, looking at my dirty nails as I come in from gardening to wash my hands: “What’s that under your nails? Faeces?”. What?!? Again, the only explanation that ever occurred to her was the nastiest one.
Hmm, is it gardening? Women? Me?

25

Oh god! My own mother is the QUEEN of non sequiturs and inappropriate comments, and many of them are connected to sex in some fashion. She once wondered aloud to me if my older brother was gay, mostly (I guess) because he hadn’t much luck with the ladies for a while at the time. Another time, a few months after she married my stepfather, she told the same brother in graphic detail, what sexual act she desired that stepdad didn’t give her. But the all-time champ was what she said to me in seventh grade. She came to pick me up from school and saw me talking to a female classmate who was kind of petite. (I was 5-feet, 9-inches tall in seventh grade):

Mom: “Who was that?”
Me: “Oh, that was C------.”
Mom: “Do you like her?”
Me (squirming a little at the question): “I don’t know.”
Mom: “Well, you don’t want to marry a small woman, because they have problems delivering big babies!”

Quite a thing to worry about when you’re 12 . . .

26

oh god. I have nothing at all to contribute but my god how I lol.

27

OK this certainly rises not to the level of previous posts, but just this week I told my mom that I was not going to be eating any fruit for the next two weeks (first phase of the South Beach Diet).
“I might only do it for one week, though,” I said.
Mom response: “Oh, good. You don’t want to get scurvy.”

28

Just got the following advice from my mom last night while we were giving my sister’s baby a bath:

“You should have a baby with a man instead of artifical insemination.”

So…I’m not trying to get pregnant now and I am in a committed relationship (with a real, living, and–as far as I know–fertile male) which may very well lead to babies in a few years.

I think she has trouble accepting that some man would actually want to have children with me. She did once say to my sister “I don’t know how Seren ever manages to get guys to date her.” :rolleyes:

29

Not my mom, but my grandmother: she chose Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years (with all of the family, including Sharon, my 14-yo niece, at the table) to whisper to me “You know, Sharon’s a woman now.”

It took me a few moments to figure out what she was talking about. It will take the rest of my life to forget it.

30

And precisely what did your grandmother expect you to do with this information??? :eek:

I must admit to being relieved that my WTF moments with my own mother were never of the calibre of the other posts in this thread :::whew:::

31

Just after I turned 12, I got my first period, and my mother turned to me and said “You know … you can get pregnant, now.”

I gave her the :eek:, and she realized that maybe then wasn’t the time to discuss it.

32

Why, defend her from the men of the rival village, when they come a-reaving on horseback, seeking brides and plunder, of course!

When I was sixteen or so, my mom coerced me into babysitting her friend’s nine year old daughter for an afternoon. After the kid left, my mom asked, “So, would you like to marry her?”

“What?!”

“Well, it’s the same age difference between you two that there was between me and your father!”

“She’s nine!”

“Well, I was just asking!”

33

My mother and sister often work in tag team attack on advice. Example: I admitted to my mother a few months ago that I was having a problem with depression (not suicidal or anything, just going through a period of the blahs). She related it to my sister, evidently embroidering it on the trip, until my sister was ready to do an intervention, started sending me “Why suicide is a mortal sin” and “Reverend Wishbone T. Beauregard of the Holy Blood Assembly of Fire Rock Tabernacle Tells You How to Find Jesus and Stop Rubbing Excrement on your Hair” type pamphlets and asking me “Do I need to come up there and sit with you and lock up your knives and guns and stuff?” (she was totally serious). NNNOOOOOOO!!! I’m just going through a blue spell, I’ll come out of it, I’m having my medication upped if it doesn’t go away naturally.

Sister: “Well you know how I feel about medication. I think it’s the cause of most of society’s problems.” (Actual quote.)

Me: “Explain to me again why you were a pharmacist for twenty years.” (Actual quote.)

Sister: “The money.” (Actual quote.)

My mother is also a major believer in the damage and evils of anti-depressants, which is doubly ironic since 1) she’s a lifelong depressive [and depressant] and 2) she managed a therapeutic facility for several years where everybody was on antidepressants and all manner of other psychotropics.

Well suh, on my 39th birthday back in December I was diagnosed with narcolepsy. It made a lot of sense. I was given Provigil, a non-addictive non-stimulant, and it had some good effects, but after the first couple of months it wasn’t as effective. I was also diagnosed somewhile back with “severe adult ADD”, which I waver between believing is an actual condition and oh, did anybody see that My Name is Earl the other night where it was Y2K? I spent Y2K in a motel room babysitting my friends’ son and there was this show on that night about Rasputin. That cat was cool, and his daughter was a lion tamer. Did you know that lions kill the young of other lions when they take over a pride? I took my mom to a gay pride march in Atlant

Where was I? Ah yes, I’ve also been diagnosed with adult ADD. Adderall is a mild amphetamine tablet that is used for both ADD and narcolepsy. Yesterday my doctor gave me a prescription for it, suggesting I try it for a month and see how it goes. I told my mother, who told my sister, and now I’ve heard from both of them “That’s how addiction begins… all those people on the street selling their bodies and their kids and all for money to buy more speed… some doctor got 'em hooked on it”. My sister sent me a link to “Faces of Meth” and my mother called to tell me there was a documentary I should watch on one of the Hitler Channels this week about professionals who lost everything due to becoming addicted to street drugs.

So from narcoleptic to hustling boy whore in one 10 mg pill. I could be the next James Frey.

The point is that I don’t like rhubarb. I don’t think. I’ve never actually tried it, but it sounds like something I wouldn’t like.

34

HA.

Sex hasn’t come up with my mother. Except for the time where I mentioned offhandedly that I’d reconnected with an old school friend, and she and her partner live right over thataway, spitting distance. And wow, she looks eeezackly the same except she’s got short hair now! (I should’ve been so lucky. I was a giant dork in school, and only managed to find the social presentability a while later. Years later. :wink: )

My mother: …So does she have the male role? (note: this is in the living room. With the rest of our family sprawled around after a movie.)

Me: …

Siblings: …

Me, a couple minutes later: …

Me: “That’s a REALLY RUDE question. I’d never ask anybody anything like that. It’s none of my business!” (As opposed to what I really wanted to say – something like ‘ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?’)

Mom: “I’m not asking her, I’m asking you!”

Me: :smack: :smack: :smack:

35

Oh, lordy, my mother.

We were watching a news programme one day, shortly after a famous person had died. They were interviewing a friend of a friend of a friend of the celebrity, and though they admitted upfront that they didn’t know the guy personally, began saying really nasty things about him.

I murmured, mostly to myself, “I wonder how someone could be that attention-starved that they need to say nasty things about someone they didn’t even know who just died?”

My mother blurts out: “Well, I trust *her * more than I trust you.”

What the hell did I ever do to deserve that zinger?! I looked over at my mother, confused, as she gazed steadily at the television screen.

Me: “Why would you say something like that, Mom?”

She: “She knew him better than you did.”

Okay. “I understand that, Mom.”

She: “You’re not on TV.”

:dubious: “No, I’m not, but I can still have an opinion.”

She: “If your opinion was worth anything, they’d be interviewing you, and you’d be on TV, too.” Forget 42. The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is, according to my mother: everything is worthless unless it is on television. Let television be thy guide.

Me: “What about you? You’re always telling me your opinion of everything, and you’re not on TV! Should I stop trusting you?”

She: “That’s different. I’m your* mother*. And you had better trust me! What an ungrateful child you are.”

I am quiet. Why argue? And then she adds this little gem:

“I get all my opinions from TV, anyway. And church.” She lifts her chin up a little higher. Lest I forget the superior position of power she is in.

Sigh.

36

Nothing to add. I just thought this was really funny. :smiley:

37

That’s some funny shtuff.

Once when I was 13 some friends and I were out bike riding when we were pulled over by a policeman and given a ticket for running a stop sign (oh, so bikes, too?).
When I got home I told my mom. She broke down and started crying inconsolably. This scared me to death as I saw it as a harbinger of my upcoming prison time for failing to yeild.
When my aunt (her sister) finally got her under control she asked her what was the matter. She said:

*“He has a record, now he can never be president!” *(actual quote) (more crying)

And I was so planning on it…

38

The wife of a friend announced at a large camp gathering, that her eldest son was now 16 and although she didn’t care if I slept with him, I had to promise not to be his first. (I was about 38 at the time ) After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I told her “not a problem”. I have never figured that one out and she reiterated it several times. I look nothing like Anne Bancroft.

39

LOL! This one hit me cuz I’m in my 50s. But my mom already knows I’m nuts. :smiley:

40

My brothers and I were raised by my grandmother, so think Generation Gap Squared. No single incident, just that about the time I turned 12 or so, I was frequently warned that most young ladies were Brazen Hussies out to “trap” me. I came home with a hickey when I was 15 once (oh lord, what a shit storm *that *was) and hear my Grandmother talk about it, my girlfriend was the town whore willing to open her legs to anything with a penis or resembling a penis.

Thank goodness I never had a sister.