My mom wants to get in contact with me again

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

FWIW, I think I’d probably write something polite and noncommmittal, solely to get it off my mind. Then I’d let the whole thing drop because there wouldn’t be any point after so many years. But that’s me; you should do what you’re most comfortable with, Mindfield.

Your mother may be feeling some regrets but I must take gentle exception to a few things. She was a bad mother. She made a lot of adult decisions–sexual activity, life style, partners, etc.–but she never accepted adult responsiblities. Period. Any issues she may have had with her mom, your grandmother, really are irrelevant. They were hers to resolve. Her actions still brought a child into the world: you. Decent adults don’t shuffle their children aside as inconveniences. Maybe she wasn’t actively abusive but her neglect and indifference to your needs and welfare most definitely make her a bad mother.

It’s sad when someone nears the end of life and, looking back, can only see a wasteland. You can’t mitigate it. I’m not sure it would be good for her if you tried. Life requires honesty at some point. She can’t unmake the past and neither can you. If her life is a ruin, it’s still hers.

My suggestion? Write, but do so in a way that she can’t track you down. A brief summary of your life–married, settled, doing fine–is pretty much all you can or should say, IMO. There’s nothing wrong with wishing her well to the extent you’d offer benign thoughts to strangers. FWIW, I’d keep far away from any reference to forgiveness, her actions toward her mother, etc. Her actual regrets are pretty iffy so safest not to even start down that road. But I’d make sure she gets that further contact would not be welcome.

Good luck with it, Mindfield. Sometimes I look at people who came from solid, happy families and wonder how life looks to them.

22

Well, I think I’ve decided to write her. I just have to figure out what to write exactly. I suppose I could give her a brief update on how and what I’m doing and how my life is turning out so far. Make it civil if not actually friendly.

Juliana - I’m sorry you had to go through that. As I said before, some people are just beyond redemption despite your own good intentions and hope for change. My mother didn’t really break my heart in any capacity; she never made her way into it enough to be able to do damage enough to break it. I’m not worried about her doing it again because she never had the capacity to do so in the first place. I’m just not terribly interested in allowing her back into my life in the capacity of my mother, exactly. Biologically she is, but beyond that I can’t see much more than an acquaintanceship coming out of it.

Mika - I can certainly understand that. I don’t really intend on bringing her any closer than arm’s length myself. She never really hurt me, but she’s done nothing to foster any sort of familial bond. She might as well be a stepmother. Or a mail carrier. Harsh though it sounds that’s about what she’s amounted to. I like the “orphans with parents” thing, though my father did a decent job of raising me, so I’m only half an orphan. :slight_smile:

Mumio - I understand the desire to avoid contact. My life is going more or less fine right now – not ideal, but then is it ever? – and it doesn’t need complication. I don’t mind exchanging letters or whatever, but I’m not terribly interested in playing catch up or inviting her to family functions over the holidays or anything. My life has worked out just fine without her, and I’d rather not monkey with the status quo just now.

AuntiePam - In her brief Facebook letter to me, she did try and offer some kind of half-sentence explanation that she was doing what she thought was best to protect me. I’m not sure what she thought she was protecting me from – herself, perhaps? – but I guess she never really realized how little impact she’s had on my life. Whether she was really trying or truly doing what she thought was best for me, I don’t know, and it isn’t of any consequence anyway. She was to me as any fair weather friend was. She didn’t really do anything to raise me in the sense that she offered advice or guidance or life lessons or anything. I think though that this was because she probably felt she was in no position to offer anything of the sort, given how she turned out.

Litoris - I’ve read your stories, and they were troubling to say the least. I completely agree that blood relation is no currency with which to buy respect. They’re human beings just as anyone, and are accorded the same opportunity to earn your respect as anyone else – just as they are capable of being undeserving of it. Biology in and of itself does not a family make. It might earn you more chances at redemption simply for the sake of trying to maintain the family unit, but if you don’t follow through – or worse, abuse that privilege – you deserve to be treated the same as anyone else who would do the same and is not related to you.

23

Hard road in front of you. If it was me I would at least speak to her. You will get closure and at the very least. If she is an ass, you’ll know not to talk to her again. I am sure abandoning you weighs heavy on her heart, otherwise why would she be seeking you out? And be sure I realize you have no obligation to do so. But I’ll bet it’s hurting her quite a bit and even though she probably doesn’t deserve it, I personnally find it’s nice to attempt to be the better man (or woman). No matter what you believe, knowing you attempted to do the right thing can only be better for you in the long run. Doing what you think is right is far harder than doing what you know what is right.

24

That’s pretty much how I’m looking at it right now. I’m not sure that I’d let the whole thing drop after firing off a letter, but neither would I want to let it progress much further than some back and forth banter the same way you might talk to a stranger in a bar over a drink or two.

You do have a point, but I suppose it’s a matter of perception and degrees. She was a bad mother, but not to the extent that she did things to hurt me, which for me is where the line in the sand is drawn. She wasn’t good, obviously – she just wasn’t really a mother at all in any context you’d want to put it. Perhaps she tried here and there, but it seemed to me do be in the same manner someone who doesn’t want to waste their food picks at the plate long after it’s gone cold.

I can say with some certainty that she shirked adult responsibilities as a matter of course. Forasmuch as she tried to do the whole married-with-children (or child) thing she had always been a free spirit prior to meeting my father, and she probably tried convince herself that she wanted the whole house and white picket fence and 2.5 children and a dog and neighbours who brought apple pies over. When it didn’t turn out like that she finally cracked and bolted, living from one boyfriend to the next – or to be more specific, living off of one boyfriend to the next. I suppose once the whole burlesque thing was shoved to the side in favour of marriage and ultimately outmoded, she felt like she lacked the skill to do anything else.

The real tragedy was that she was fantastic painter. She could work oil and canvas like a pro. She just never did anything more than poke at it with a stick though. Damn shame.

Indeed. Although it is in my nature to try and soften every blow, there are certain times when I just can’t spackle and varnish the truth, and this is one of those times. While I’m not going to bother bringing up the past in any form – there’s really no point – I can’t do anything to mitigate the present and how I feel. The bed she made is entirely too large for her to do anything but lie in it now.

Thanks. That’s more or less the way I want to approach it. Politely friendly, perhaps mildly cordial, but I’m not my mother’s son.

25

I’m not sure that it matters, or that it isn’t being pedantic, but I think intent here is important. Is she doing it because she is genuinely interested in me and how I’m doing, or is she doing it to assuage her own guilt? I’m sure it’s probably a little from column A and a little from column B, but the proportions matter. How interested will she be in pursuing contact once she knows I’m just peachy without her?

Again, not that I care particularly much, and I’ll probably never know so it doesn’t really matter in the end – but the question will remain just the same.

I can’t recall which one just now, but I think it was one of the earlier presidents of the US that said something to the effect of, “Doing what is right is easy. The hard part is knowing what is right.”

I know it’s the right thing to do to answer her, and that’s likely what I am going to do. I don’t really view it as being the bigger person, since that would imply that I hold some kind of grudge that I’m willing to overlook in the interest of kindness, but I don’t. She wasn’t bad to me, she just wasn’t much of anything to me, so it was never any skin off my nose. I’m prepared to talk to her through Facebook or E-Mail if she would prefer; I’d like to avoid writing her a physical letter because I’m actually afraid she’d show up on my doorstep, and I’m not prepared for any potential relationship to advance that far. I don’t really want it to advance that far. The logistics would be a little difficult though given that she doesn’t have a computer of her own to communicate with and has to go to the library. But … I suppose something can be worked out.

I dunno. I guess I’ll have to roll with it and deal with wherever it leads as I deem appropriate.

26

Is there anything she can do or say that will help fix things for you? Maybe you can have a dialogue with her. Find out what the hell was going on. I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

27

It happened, but not as often as the kids remember. The misperception (maybe that’s not the right word) is that this is what they remember most about him. I’ve reminded them about playing baseball with him and working on their bikes and going fishing and to drive-in movies. They go “Oh yeah, I remember that.” But they mostly remember the yelling, which is natural. Hell, it’s scary, It’s sad as hell, and I tried to get him to see what those tirades did to the family, but I never could.

I’m finally at the point where I can give him some credit for what he did do. He was a better dad than his dad was. He went into treatment and had several years of sobriety toward the end. But by then, the damage was done. The kids didn’t want to talk to him.

Sorry for the hijack, Mindfield. Let this be a lesson to parents who get drunk and yell at their kids.

28

Well it’s obvious to me that you are the bigger person. Otherwise why would you even start this thread? It doesn’t matter your reason to overlook it but simply that you are able to. Even the fact that you considered her feelings speaks volumes about you as a human being. You know what I mean?

Hate is the one of the easiest things in the world to give. Compassion takes much time and contemplation to instill in ones self. Again, hard road that.

When you look in the mirror be proud of who you are.

29

Mindfield, you have my best wishes whatever it is you do with this one.

A parent isn’t entitled to have contact with their adult offspring just because of being a parent, and there isn’t some automatic obligation resting on your shoulders on this account.

The idea that there is ANY person with whom we must have a relationship, regardless of their behavior, is just crazy (although I observe many people seem to assume it is so, often without even thinking about it).

I’ve been estranged for decades now, and have no plan or wish or willingness to start contact.

30

Hmm, that’s an interesting situation there. My first reaction would be to reply to her. I think her attempts to reach you are most likely founded in guilt and are a weak attempt to find some sort of redemption/forgiveness…almost that if you are ok then her not taking the time to raise you and be involved wasn’t as bad a thing as it could have been. Might make her feel better about her choices. I tend to recommend forgiveness if that is even the right word here. As far as her relationship with her mother (your grandmother)…who knows what brought that on? You only know one side of your grandmother…it might be a different story coming from your mom. Only the two of them know for sure.

I’d say write her back. That doesn’t mean you need to let her into your life unless that’s what you want. It might prove cathartic for both of you.

31

I had a similar kind of relationship with my biological father. He was an alcoholic who was not overtly abusive but barely able to maintain interest in parenting me, especially as I got older. My Mom talked me into having his parental rights terminated when I was 13. It wasn’t difficult–all I had to do is write about the drug use, him dragging me to the bar every weekend, and his heroine-addicted girlfriend.

I didn’t talk to him until 10 years later. I was 23. I just called him up on the phone–he was living in the same place–and asked if I could come over.

I wanted to see him because I was about to get married, I was an adult and I felt like it would be okay. And it was okay. He’s still an alcoholic with no driver’s license and he’s not as sharp as he used to be. Things were really awkward at first because I had to explain to him everything that’s happened since I last saw him. We were strangers to one another. A lot of it was pretty hard news to bear, in part because deep down I hold him partially responsible for it. By not being there he failed to protect me and all that. On his end it was awkward because he was absolutely devastated by losing me. He’d lost both of his sisters and if anything his tragic life had made him more and more determined to remain an alcoholic.

I love him, but I don’t feel any particularly strong feelings about him, not anger, not even sadness really (or at least, if there is sadness, it’s a really dull sadness.) The only thing I feel on any kind of significant level is guilt, and it’s the same guilt I felt as a child. There is nothing in the world he could do to make up for his failure to be there. I call him Dad, but whatever feelings are supposed to be there just aren’t. We enjoy one another’s company. I visit or call him every couple of months or so, talk his ear off for about ten minutes, and that’s it. But I’ve come to accept him for what he is, to enjoy the time we have together for what it’s worth. I feel like I’m there to make him feel good more than for myself. He’s had a hard life and I just want to ease some of his pain by letting him know his daughter loves him.

I’m telling you all this because I think in the case of an absent parent it’s easy to drum up this idea in your head about redemption and having them back in your life. But the truth is the past is over, and that emptiness you feel, or whatever it is you do feel about the situation, is not going to go away. If you think you can find a place for your mother in your life now, if you think either of you might benefit from such a circumstance, then by all means, go for it. But if you are hoping for the Mommy you never had, the relationship you didn’t get, you’re going to disappointed. She will likely be the same Mommy, have the same flaws, just as my father has essentially not changed at all in the decade I didn’t see him. What you got then is what you’ll get now. The difference is, you’re a grown-up now and you don’t NEED the same things you used to. Maybe now that you don’t need a mother, the mother you do have will fit nicely.

Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty about your decision. Just do what you need to do to be healthy.

I also wanted to add that I don’t know what your mother wrote to her mother, but even if your grandparents have been nothing but nice to you, it doesn’t mean they were great parents. My grandparents are like saints to me, and my grandpa is the closest thing to a father I have, but he was abusive to his own kids and succeeded in screwing most of them up for life. I don’t know why my grandpa was safe for me and not his own children, but if they were bitter I sure wouldn’t hold it against them. Again, I don’t know the situation, but it might help to take into consideration the possibility that your mother had every right to write what she did.

32

Not really. No anger involved. You’re simply honoring the choice she made decades ago.

33

My father’s father took off when he was a baby. And had no contact with him. Until my dad was forty when he looked him up.

The story was more complicated than my grandmother ever told my father (she left with my father, my bio-grandfather did not abandon them - and she left because she was homesick. He tried to stay in contact, but she rejected it - this story is in keeping with her character, and evidence supports it).

They aren’t close - my Dad and his bio-father. But they are in contact. Being in contact has given both of them some peace and closure - particularly my father’s father, who is happy to know that whatever bad decisions he made (his mother always thought he should have fought for custody), my Dad turned out OK and is understanding of what happened.

Answer or not, have reasonable expectations if you do, and be prepared to set, communicate and enforce boundaries. If you think she is really a nutcase - don’t establish contact with her as she will make your life more trouble than its worth. If you think she is just at the “I’m questioning my life” stage, you may be able to bring her some peace