elbows, may I suggest laying off the tough love approach a bit? You’re saying the same things as everybody else, but it may work better if it’s a bit less abrasive…
And also that the narcissists I know are, indeed, delusional? For starters, they all believe the world revolves around them and that everybody should do what they say because they are the fonts of all wisdom (King Solomon was their kindergarten class’ dumb kid). How is that not a delusion?
This is just something you’ll need to get over.
Hate to say this, but I would forget about your parents for now, especially your mother. Your immediate family is a thousand times more important. Focus on being a good wife and mother, and don’t allow yourself to get sucked in to the craziness.
You are right! They are very old fashioned and the whole “honor your elders” is instilled in the children so it is difficult to escape that. I agree that emotional stability is much more important than catering to their toxic behaviors. And I am delusional if I think I can change it. Thank you for that:)
Nava, it’s ok. The tough love works for me:)
Sorry it didn’t suit your tastes, and that you feel that way!
Glad you felt it helpful! Keep us posted how you’re doing and nothing but good luck to you!
There’s a slogan in the recovery community that covers this: “Stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.”
You are getting a lot of “You go girl!” responses, but to be honest without being offensive, they are biased. Yes, your mom has a problem, but your even more serious problem is how you deal with it. Mom is not going to change, but you can.
You are 38 years old and stupified that your father is doing the exact same that he has always done during their 44 years of marriage, which is to take your mother’s side, no matter what. You are finding this hard to grasp, for the 279,726 time in your life. There is always tension between your mother and yourself because although you are fully aware that the situation is never going to change, you allow it to bother you and still look for ways to try and steer the situation to the way you would like it to be even though it is very clear that this is never ever going to happen, no matter what. It is not in the realm of possibility, but you still keep giving it a shot and get upset every damn time it doesn’t work. How many times does it have to not work before you catch on?
So my parents left. Night! Have a safe ride home mom and dad!
That same night my husband called my parents to try to sort things out. Just drop it. You guys were trying to steer the situation. Leave it alone.
My mom refused to speak to him but he spoke to my dad and told him that he apologized not for how he was disciplining but for my mon becoming so upset.
Mom’s got the control reins now, but keep stirring that pot and maybe the recipe will change! Right? Wrong.
Three days later my mom calls me up and tells me that my husband was being abusive to my son and she wanted to warn me about my husband. I told her she is wrong and my husband would never do anything abusive, verbally or physically, to our son. Mom, you are taking a normal parent child interaction and blowing it out of proportion.
*She said that she will only see “her grandson” if he wasn’t around. I told her no way! That we are a family and I’d she wants to see my son she needs to be at least cordial and respectful to both of us. She refused. I handed the phone to my husband as I was becoming enraged (my mother tends to do that to me). He tries to calmly reassure her but she screamed at him and hung up. I havent spoke to either of them since. It’s been 4 months. * You are negotiating the terms of your life with your mother and becoming enraged? At age 38, not 16?
Stop reacting to your mom. That is what is making your life miserable.
Are you me? Because this sounds like what I was going to post, down to the cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs line.
LurkerInNJ, wow! You are right! I come from a very traditional, old fashioned family where you do not question your elders and you always show respect, So that is why it has taken me this long to realize that my mom does not control me and I should not feed into the craziness. Thank you for that response. Maybe all of us have been enabling her not just my dad.
Seriously if you don’t want to be dealing with your mom’s crap when you are 70 and your mom is in her 90s stop responding to her crap now. Your husband has the right idea, and your sister does too. For goodness sakes, don’t let your son get drawn into your mother’s manipulations. You know what is real and what isn’t and don’t get sucked into her pretend world. You are very fortunate to have people around you who are supportive and caring.
(In the last 2 hours since I posted I got another email from my dad. More shit is going down back home. My mother is trying to get Grandma to love her some more by being there, only to get kicked in the guts emotionally later. )
It appears you’ve gotten the message for how to deal with this in a healthy way, but I want to give you one more tidbit of food for thought:
Think about how your mom’s controlling, narcissistic behavior has damaged you, and it surely has. Now think about whether you want that same damage to occur to your kid.
If I had kids, I wouldn’t allow them to spend much time around my parents, and I would allow no unsupervised grandparent time. I know what those assholes did to me; I would allow them to do the same thing to my (nonexistent) children over my dead, rotting body. My sister used to get frustrated because she needed childcare help and both my parents (divorced, dad remarried) pretty much refused to babysit. Once in a while, one or the other would take one or both kids for a day or two. And she had to re-program the kid(s) each time. She is now really glad our parents didn’t have much influence over her kids. I am too.
I would guess that your relatives know just how little credence to put into anything your mother says.
This is an excellent insight on your part. Take comfort, however, that it sounds like your son is getting the parents that you wish you had. For you to have been brought up in that sort of dysfunction, and then broken the cycle and created a stable family environment, is a huge and admirable accomplishment.
Yes, it is. Brava, Ecamp1, for seeing the right path and choosing it.
Concise and to the point.
If mom is as controlling, crazy, and insistent on seeing the grandkid as it sounds…and thinks your husband is abusive and thinks SHE should raise him not the parents I’d be pretty worried she would eventually pull on of those “lets call child protective services” stunts.
Next thing you know you and your husband are being investigated with crazy mom greatly exaggerating shit or even just making it up. And don’t count on being actually innocent of the charges to save your ass. No matter how that goes it will be a major pain in the ass and at best you’ll probably be paying for some lawyer’s vacation to Tuscany. At worst somebody has a bullshit record and you lose your kid to the crazy bitch.
At the very least I would only meet them in public places to out or eat, visit the zoo, stuff like that. That would probably also force mom to tone down the crazyness as well. If you do let her back in the house, get a bunch of the hidden nanny cams.
No matter what, make it clear if crazy mom wants to see the kid, its on YOUR terms. If she doesn’t like it she can just suck on it.
And my condolences for having to even have to deal with shit like this.
The 4 months were definitely not bad. And to billfish678, yes the thought of her calling CPS did cross my mind. I told her she needs to see her grandchild on my terms, but she refuses to see my son with my husband around. So yes, she has chosen to not be in his life. It is sad for my son who loves her, and now I have to deal with “why can’t I visit grandma?” question. But I think I will let her “suck on it”. I just have to let go emotionally. Thanks for your response:)
I think enough good advice has been given; I just want to give kudos to you for providing your son with the kind of parents you wish you had grown up with.
When you’ve grown up with the “respect your elders” tradition we apparently both did, it can be hard to hold your ground with them. That little voice is always whispering in the back of your mind “But this is Mom. I have to mind Mom”. Good for you - and your husband and son - that you are finding the strength to say “No, I don’t”.
Everybody has to do that. You are having a harder time of it than most do, but know that that’s something that everybody in the world goes through to one degree or another. And most people have to do this more than once. Even people who have wonderful, supportive parents have personality conflicts with them, or wish their parents could do something the parents can’t or won’t.
ecamp darling, I’ve spent the last year going through a very similar situation. And I turned to this board for help, just like you did. And they all (well, most) gave me amazing, awesome advice, just like you’re getting here.
I ended up severing a lot of contact with my family and going to a LOT of therapy sessions. It was the best thing I could have done for me, my husband, and our brand-new baby girl. It was a rough, horrid, tears-filled year, but I am so much better now. My parents are back in my life now, via the occasional Skype call and one (extremely supervised and very short) visit with my daughter. I couldn’t be happier. But I needed to take the bold step of giving my own mother boundaries – something I never would have thought possible.
Your husband sounds like an amazing man, and you sound like you’re really willing to make a bold step to ensure the health and happiness of the family you are making with him. Not the family you were born into – the family you are now creating.
Good luck to you! Stay strong, and remember: Your feelings, your husband’s feelings, and your child’s feelings ALL come before your parents’ feelings.
smaje
Thank you for all the great advice. I need to let go emotionally from my insane mother and be happy with my own family. It was great to see that every answer was consistent which leads me to believe that the only choice, the right choice for my son is to sever all contact with my mother. I do appreciate all the advice. It has helped me tremendously 