crazyismynormal:
Wow…to find this nearly identical scenario is sadly comforting. So nice to see that while I hate others have struggled with this situation, I’m not alone, nor am I crazy. My mother is a queen bee, narcissistic, selfish beast. I absolutely HATE the way she treats my father, let alone me. He puts up with her snide comments, her overblown agitation at every little thing he does. And he just adores her. It’s unreal. One of the reasons I was divorced is because my ex was truly afraid that I’d turn out like her. Sad, but true. (it’s okay-he wasn’t quite the catch I thought anyway). It’s gotten so bad and she’s almost delusional, will say the most inappropriate things and doesn’t hide her meanness or anger at the world–and it’s all my fault. I get the “Well it’s just too bad you got me for a mother, dear” comments, even in front of my kids (ages now are 14, 18 and 22). I’ve been rather successful in keeping them from her nastiness but it’s gotten much worse recently, even ruining Thanksgiving. “You need to get to know God! The Ten Commandments tell you to honor thy mother!” Um, not when you’re saying hurtful shit to my kids, to me, about me, about anything, treating their grandfather like garbage. So I told her, “No, my Number 1 responsibility to God is to take care of my kids, and I’m protecting them from this bullshit and we are leaving.” So, no Thanksgiving, and she even told my kids, “Well, not sure if and when I’ll see you agan” ==basically saying, I’m cutting off ties with your mother (me). Then when she was basically pushing us out the door, she yells at me: “SHAME ON YOU!!” It’s unreal. And my dad just sits there. It’s happened all my life, and while it had gotten better in the last few years, this “event” this week is just the peak of recent escalations in her behavior. She’s 71, is very lively, active and intelligent (except emotionally). My dad, aka SPineless, is enabling her and probably just desperate for his own self-preservation. I’ve seen him protect her even when she was yelling at/saying hurtful stuff to my kids when they were little, so he’s as much to blame (it’s not just me–I guess he’ll enable her to even hurt his grandchildren). So, I tried to make ammends and have them here for dinner (yes, i know-prob a bad idea)–and didn’t even get a text back, an email, a phone call, NOTHING. So I guess she’s drawing a line in the sand===im’ a horrible daughter, always have been, don’t care about her, blah blah blah. Just sad. Especially around the holidays. And like you, she has NEVER apologized in her life–even after spanking me for something she then right away realized I did not do (yes, these events flash in my mind, even as a 49 year old). The stories are endless, depressing and hard to accept. I need to get that book. And my dad needs to get a backbone. My mom needs to get some meds. Thanks for letting me just get it all out here.
Psychotic dominance crap. You are not missing anything. You do need some sort of recovery group or therapy to minimize passing effects of this illness on. Wishing you the best.
My mother’s dead but she was crazy and my father enabled her, too. When she died I cried like a baby because I was still grieving the mother I never had.
Isn’t that sad? You never give up hoping until they are dead, and then they break your heart. And people wonder why I am so cynical about parents!
Polerius:
Maybe this requires its own thread but: with so many people chiming in with “my mom’s like this too!”, are there any stats on the gender prevalence of this problematic behavior?
(which, based on comments in this thread, is described as narcissistic/histrionic/borderline personality disorder)
More men are narcissistic, more women are histrionic or borderline. Or that’s what it’s considered anyway. There’s a lot of overlap, but histrionic and borderline are more thought of as drama queen disorders and narcissists are more cold and calculating (although they can certainly be drama queens too), so I’m sure a patient’s gender can influence perceptions of their behavior.
Isilder
December 2, 2013, 1:19pm
64
How about the husband actually was pretending to be far more angry that he actually was, but that was was totally wrong , an ill-conceived thing to do to a child.
Lowdown
December 2, 2013, 5:54pm
65
Tastes_of_Chocolate:
A while ago, I was having problems with my father pressuring my SO and I to have children. I had to come up with what my boundaries were, and then convey them to my dad. It was not a fun conversation. It came down to “We will not have these discussions in my house. If you insist on having them, you will be asked to leave.” I did not negotiate. These were my boundaries and they were not to be crossed. Yes, Dad did try to cross the line a few times over the next months, but I stuck with “We will not have this discussion” and it hasn’t happened again in the last 7 years or so.
My father-in-law had the habit of doing this with us. After several attempts at trying a subtle approach to get it to stop, my wife offered to give him detailed reports of our sex life. He didn’t bring it up again.