My mum has really been annoyed because she thinks we’re ashamed of her and that the entire family thinks shes a joke, it really pisses me off though, because it is good for wither a couple of weeks or a few days, and then something triggers it to all come to the surface…I hate that because then she lashes out on me and my brothers.
My brothers are little b*stards aswell, I really get annoyed by the way they are always telling my mum not to talk about things ‘cause she doesn’t know about them’ like shes a dumbass or something. Ok I’ve done it as well, and I’m appalled too…but what can I do to reassure her, other than treat her with respect? I have been listening lately to her talk about things but I fins it weird cause my mum usually didn’t talk about stuff I liked and I put her down because it was something I was interested in and I didn’t want anyone to be the same as me, I wanted to be unique…but now I’ve become more homebound, I have to bear the brunt of it…arrrghhhh I want to get away from it all, but I’m trapped…someone help me please!!!
My mom was doing the same thing – making up all sorts of crazy ideas about how we didn’t like her anymore and didn’t want her around. We realized that these were probably signs that she was senile and found a nice nursing home to put her in. Problem solved!
So. you treated your mother like something you just scraped off the bottom of your shoe, and now you’re upset because there’s fallout? Is that about the size of it?
You have to realize, first off, that this is something that’s been brewing for a long time, and there are no fast, easy fixes. There’s going to fallout from this shit, at least from time to time, for a long, long while to come.
You need to apologize to your mother for being a jerk, for one thing, and you need to mean it. No apology is a lot better than an insincere apology, and any mother worth her salt knows the difference, especially in one of her own kids. Then you, and your brothers too, ideally, need to treat her with respect consistently. Every lapse you guys make, she’s going to think you were only behaving yourselves out of guilt (or a desire to shut her up) rather than real respect, and the shit’s gonna hit the fan again.
Slowly, over time, if you haven’t permanently damaged your relationship, things will get better.
either your mom is exceedingly tolerant, or you little brats have been playing off of her own insecurities. if i’d ever tried anything like that on my mom, i’d probably have gotten a crack on the head that left me seeing double for weeks.
if you want to try and rebuild your bridges, others have already posted some good points. you need to show her that you DO actually value her. ask her opinion on something – clothing, how to deal with people, “what do you think i should do if …”, any subject where you will listen to and seriously consider her opinion.
just remember, even if parents are totally un-hip antiques by their kids’ lights, they must have known something worthwhile to have lived long enough to raise you tykes.
Sounds like you’ve come out of the stereotypical teenager “my parents know NOTHING! I am just discovering the truths and joys of the world, truths and joys of which all older people are IGNORANT!” stage, and your brothers are still there stuck in the middle of it.
Best thing you can do is first of all give her a big hug and tell her you love her. Then explain to her exactly like you explained in your OP. Explain how you’ve grown up enough to be able to listen to her and appreciate her for who she is, and say you’re sorry for putting her down in the past. And, yep, ask her opinion on things that matter to you, so she knows you’re walking the walk and not just talking the talk.
You could sometimes set your brothers straight when they disrespect your mum. You don’t need to be on their case morning noon and night, but sometimes point out to them that mum isn’t that daft - that she might not know all the latest trends but she knows some of them and a hell of a lot of other stuff besides.
It sounds like you really care about your mum and want to make amends. That warms my heart to be honest, and if you explain it properly to your mum it’ll probably warm hers too.
Buy a card, one that’s blank inside, with a pretty picture on the front. Inside, write all the reasons why you love and respect your mother, and are proud to be her son.
Give it to her, along with a hug and a determination to act more like an adult, and less like Kevin the Teenager.
Whenever she feels unappreciated she can look at the card, and you can remember what you wrote in it, and try to act accordingly.
While I was going to jump down your throat for being an obnoxious little snotrag giving your mum a hard time, after re-reading your post, I’ve had second thoughts. It does sound like your mum is being a bit hypersensitive really.
I’ve got teenage boys who just snigger at me when I make some comment about Things I Know Nothing About (like music, fashion, adolescent language etc). They’ll even tell their friends about the Stupid Thing My Mum Said the other day/week or whatever. Sometimes they just gasp at my obvious ignorance and shake their heads, wondering how I managed to get to 42 being So Dumb.
Y’know, I don’t give a damn. I even enjoy it most of the time, because I can give 'em back ten-fold, and tell their mates embarrassing things about THEM too. If they say something that is really offensive, they get a whack over the back of the head, or they duck and run while offering apologies and begging forgiveness. It’s certainly not something I hold a grudge over, and I think most mothers might feel the same. If we took EVERY disparaging comment to heart, damn, we’d be complete wrecks (or even bigger wrecks than we are now anyway!!)
Anyway, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to give your mum a hug and tell her you love her. And maybe cut back a bit on the put-downs…telling you to be ‘nice’ all the time would be pointless though wouldn’t it? Maybe your mum is just learning the realities of living with teenage boys. I wish her luck.
I think Tansu is most on the ball here. Sounds like she is trying to talk to you about the things you are interested in, which is a noble effort. But she doesn’t know much about them, which is understandable. Your berating her for not knowing about your things is understandable, but mean. Two ideas come to mind.
Try to assertain if your Mum is really interested in your things, if she is then you can learn a lot by teaching her about them. You are just coming out of the teenage stage and should be looking to make the change where you talk to your Mum like an adult. This is as difficult time for her as well, she needs to gently change from being your guardian to being your equal.
Learn to be interested in what your Mum likes. Press you Mum to tell you about her early adult life, learn from it (same goes for your Dad if he’s still arround).
I’m saying this as someone whom has been an annoying smart-arse teenager. One last thing, learn to love your Mum again. The teenage years are f’ing awful, you have to gain maturity whilst your body and hormones are fucking about with you all the time. The fact that you recognise the situation you outlined in the OP suggests you have found quite a lot of maturity by now, its time to use it. Be kind and be honest, be patient with your mum, and when she sees your maturity she will be proud.
