Mum

The BBQ Pit
1

Fuck you, you fucking fuck!

How the fucking hell can I be related to you? How the hell was I RAISED by you?

Oh yeah, I remember; when I was prepubescent I realized that you were a hypocrite who cared more about appearances than substance, and I looked at your life as my guidebook to what NOT to do with my life when I grow up. It’s like that episode of Seinfeld where George realizes that he should give in to all his instincts instead of the opposite, except I think “what would my mum do in this situation?” and I do what’s right instead.

I am so angry at you that I can’t tell if all the shivering I’m doing is because it’s slightly cold, because I may have caught my wife’s cold or if it’s because if I was in the same country as you I’d be throttling you right about now.

You just called me up and made a horrible, slanderous accusation so vile I will not dignify it with repetition. Nobody deserves to feel as sickened as I do right now. And that’s the worst part: I can’t tell my wife what you said, because what you oh-so-delicately implied would make her upset about someone we both care about.

AH FUCK!!! SHIT! CALISSE!! MAUDIT CRISSE CALINE D’ESTIE!!! (Note use of multiple exclamation marks that, according to the Terry Pratchett scale of punctuation, indicate insanity)

I can’t call up any friends of mine and tell them what you said, because they’d never be able to say your name without calling for divine retribution. Picture it: Hey Barbarian, how’s your mum “CAST OUT THE VILE DEMONS O LORD” doing?

It’s so bad I don’t want to repeat it on a message board where hardly anybody knows who I am, just because I don’t want to take the off-chance that I’ll meet some of these people in real life and they’ll put two and two together decades from now if I or any of my family members decide to run for public office.

And you were oh so delicate in the way you made your accusation. “I’m just worried about who’s going to be around my granddaughter, and I wanted to plant a seed.”
WHAT! THE! FUCK! Plant a seed?! Plant a seed?! Yeah, that’s nice, plant a seed of distrust and hate 10 weeks before my wife gives birth. And all under the nicey-nice cover of worrying about the unborn granddaughter that you’ve been waiting to see for so long.

Unless you call with an apology, you’re going to be waiting a hell of a lot fucking longer to see her.

Auuggh! I don’t know what’s worse. That you made a completely baseless accusation, or that you feel that making such an accusation, without any proof, fuck without a shred of anything remotely resembling a basis for making an accusation, is perfectly justifiable.

2

And you mother said what when you told her this? Or is your complaint really that you want to but can’t, for whatever reason?

3

[Mum]

“But I’m doing this for your own good!”

[/Mum]

I can make a guess at what the accusation was, though not its target, and I certainly am not asking for confirmation. Unfounded? Vile indeed.

4

Start screening your calls. Just because she gave birth to you does not entitle her to hurt you for viciousness’ sake.

(ivylass, who has not spoken to her mother for nearly 13 years and does not regret one single day)

Besides, you need to get ready for your daughter’s birth. That’s where your attention should be, not on what some sort of vile is spewing from your mother’s mouth.

5

But I’m too dense to even make an assumption. I need more data so that I can particpate in the outrage.

While I’m clueless as to what the specifics are, I know my mother will be doing or saying something highly offensive before the birth of my first child, in the spirit of “looking out for the baby” or whatever. I am truly dreading this part of my future pregnancy.

Some people just thrive on discontent, worry and making their offspring’s life virtual hell. Makes me wish I’d moved to Scotland instead of my husband moving here.

6

You now have absolute control over her access to her granddaughter. That’s a huge amount of power. Use it.

7

I’m guessing that she’s intimating that someone in their mutual circle of acquaintences (possibly a relative or close friend) is an incipient child molester or moral degenerate based on thin evidence or nonsensical crazy person paranoia.

8

I will neither confirm nor deny any rumors about what my mother said until after I’ve had the chance to talk to my wife about this. I’ve always known my mum was petty-- when I was 7 or 9 or so, when she was upset with the neighbours, she asked me and my brother to mispronounce the name of the kid next door so that it included a synonym for feces. Yah, that’s nice mum, you’re upset over something stupid so you want your children to act like dicks to a five-year-old girl :rolleyes:

** Fuji **, when my mum made her slanderous insinuation, I clarified the statement in plain language, and when she agreed, told her that it was the most offensive thing she’s ever said. She replied with her ‘I just want to plant the seed’ line, and I said one word: Goodbye.

There was some garbled yelling as I hung up, and I refused to pick up the phone when it rang again. She didn’t leave a message.

FUCK!

The way I see it, she owes some apologies. Until she delivers, she’s cast out of my life. I’ll give her a week before I write a letter to my dad explaining what’s up, and why if they show up at my door he’ll be allowed in while she can freeze outside, and that even if she does apologize after that point she’ll never be allowed to be with my daughter (and any future children) unsupervised.

9

Oh dear… must have been horrible. Sorry you have (had) to endure this kind of crap. At least, until now.

Vent all you like, as often as you like. It does a body good.

10

Gack! Is this her first grandchild? By no means am I excusing her behavior–but sometimes with the first one, the soon-to-be grandparents go insane.

Although, frankly, it sounds like she has a track record.
If you want my 2 cents, I wouldn’t neccessarily deny her access to your kids. I would be extremely firm about the type of contact and the length of contact. Afterall, your daughter deserves to know her grandmother–if only in the most minimal way.

What I am trying to get at, is that you don’t want a situation develop where Mumsy gets to play the martyr. Another one of her M.O.'s, it sounds like.

My MIL is batshit insane (she thinks that Rush Limbaugh speaks truth, for one example) and neurotic as hell–I only let her near my kids when FIL is present and I limit it to an afternoon here and there. My kids are older and have some defenses and some sense of what is right etc. I do not trust her to drive my kids anywhere, because “no government is gonna tell me to wear a seatbelt” etc. :rolleyes:

It ain’t easy and it ain’t fun, but you can do this. I would definetly get your wife apprised of the situation–afterall, Mumsy may not blame you for the lack of relationship with your offspring, but she will certainly blame your wife (if she’s anything like the nut I have to deal with).

11

Looking into the future, after the birth of your child:
On a hunch… (no need to confirm), if your mother did what I’m thinking she did, consider that she may go the extra mile and make false reports to CPS, [sarcasm] out of concern for the child[/sarcasm]. Also consider what state you are in and whether or not a history of regular visitation may be in your best interests if she attempts legal action for grandparents rights. I would also consider supervised vs unsupervised visits.

Have a think about what an apology would mean to you. What would you want to get out of it? Is it worth anything if it has to be coerced? Was it a “I’m sorry you feel that way. I only said it because [insert 20 whining excuses here]” non-apology, or an honest recognition of fault and promise to never do so again?

Good luck. Toxic family members can make life very difficult.

12

Yes eleanor, this is her first grandchild, but that still doesn’t justify her vile accusations. My mum just doesn’t like people who live in a certain region, and usually has the good sense to keep her mouth shut, but in this case her insinuations are based mostly on where a particular individual lives, and a propensity for off-colour humour that has always been restrained in her presence. Get that? Her accusation comes from jokes being made to other people that she hears about third or fourth hand. :sigh:

I don’t have to worry too much about my mum reporting me or anyone else to child services, mostly because I live in another country-- although that may not be the case in a couple years. However if she fails to apologize, and I do end up writing my dad a letter to explain what’s up, I’ll at least have things documented with several people indicating the situation in case The Man ever does show up. I only wish I had been sitting at my desk when she phoned, so I could have had the presence of mind to record the conversation.

As for blaming my wife, of course she’s going to blame my wife. This is mostly because my parents know sweet-dick-all about me, since I kept to myself in the basement until I moved out at age 19, and then moved across country a few years after that. They still think of me as the mentally-battered, shy, tormented child I was growing up, and fail to realize that even as a kid the only reason I talked to them was because they were in my physical presence. Cutting them out of my life would not be a problem-- I don’t hate them, I just put up with them. Once I went six months without talking to them, simply because I never thought about them… And they never picked up the phone to call me either.

Hopefully I’ll get to talk to my wife about this in the next few days, since a great big work deadline will soon pass, and I’m not going to dump this on her when she needs to have her mind focused on work and the baby, not cursing my mother.

13

OK, you don’t need any advice, you have this under control and know what the score is. All I can give you are good wishes. And I’m sorry you have a mother like that. I truly believe everyone deserves a good father and mother, but unfortunately it doesn’t always happen that way.

All the best, Barbarian, and family.

14

Barb (can I call you Barb? hee): I hear you on the putting up with bit. Do you get along better with your Dad?

Call me a sentimental old fool, but IIWY, I wouldn’t severe all ties. OK-Mum needs medication and a good dressing down. dunno 'bout Dad. You may find that your feelings on this change as your child grows.
I agree with you re: your relationship with your parents–but this doesn’t only concern you.
I am thinking of your child. If s/he is never to see them etc-s/he may build up fantasies about them (especially if you end up with a strained relationship with him/her). Yes, I am talking many years down the pike, but what is that old saying about holding your friends close, but your enemies closer?

I would want at least occasional to infrequent contact, if only to 1. show the kid that Granny isn’t all that nice, really and 2. knowledge is power. If you don’t see them/speak with them etc–who knows what they may get up to within extended family etc?

That’s my 2 cents. Since you live in another country, this is all moot for the most part. I’ll shut up now. Best of luck to you!

15

My two cents is that you don’t keep it from your wife. You have a partnership, and she would want to be there to support you. If she really is getting close to giving birth, she is gonna get testy about being wrapped in cotton and cut out of the loop. (Or I would anyway.) Let her help. If nothing else it will take her mind off the fact that the last month lasts about 1800 years.

16

That is exactly what I was going to say. When you are in the position you are now, the positions of power flip or at least they should. My parents are pretty good people but I started using sanctions on them when my daughter (their first grandchild) was born. It wasn’t anything big. Just them scheduling things like they always did without thinking about my new family and talking somewhat badly about other family members. It didn’t take long for them to get it because I followed through with whatever I said was going to happen. Now, when I say something they listen.

Some phrases that you should master:

  1. No, we are not doing that.
  2. I have got to focus on my child right now. I can’t discuss this with you anymore.
  3. I love you but you cannot be around us right now if you are going to keep doing that.
  4. When asked to do something you don’t want to do or can’t do, simply reply “NO” and leave it at that.

The key to using those is to just say that, keep it as simple as possible, and just repeat what you said until they get it. It is an unbeatable hand.

17

Good phrases to know and use, Shagnasty.

Barbarian, you don’t have to carve anything in stone right now. Play it by ear for a while. (I think you gave her appropriate “feedback” under the circumstances.)

I am betting that you will soon reach the point where her opinions and cruel comments fail to reach their target.

18

<phew> my wife met her deadlines, so I finally had the chance to sit down and tell her what was going on (sometimes it really sucks to be working a very different schedule from your life partner, especially if you’ve got to discuss things that are guaranteed to turn into a hours-long stay-up fest and don’t involve carnal activity). She took it way better than I thought she would, but then again, she doesn’t have the whole ‘motherly love’ thing mixed up in her relationship with my mum. You’re supposed to hate your in-laws (even if mine are awesome).

MrsB decided that my initial reaction to ban my mum from our daughter’s life was too harsh, and that we should allow her to interact under strict supervision. We’re also going to return some gift-money they sent us for baby stuff (every day I thank myself for never even asking my parents for money to go to university, and for not being in debt. Yay me!).

But the big thing is that I wrote a letter to my mum, cc’ed to my dad’s work account so he’ll get it first hand, detailing what she did, why it’s so horrible, and what’s going to happen to her because of it. I expect that my mum has not told my dad what’s happened.

I’ve also got to talk to my siblings and tell them what’s up.

[malicious voice]And oh look-- my parents are about to go on a week-long vacation with several of their friends. What fun they’ll have! [/malicious voice]

19

My mum wrote back. First sentence:

“I never said [w] was a [h].”

There isn’t a rolleyes smiley large enough

20

Well, depending on how much you want to cut her out of your life, the worst thing you can do is not reply to her.

Silence can speak words. My mother has attempted to e-mail me a couple of times. She’s also made comments to my sister, knowing they will get to me.

I do not react. The e-mail is deleted without opening, and I smile and nod at my sister and change the subject.