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This is self-diagnosis and I realize that I should get some professional help, but I would like some input as to what to expect/how to change/success stories/commiseration…
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I had been accused of this some time ago, but I wasn’t familiar with the traits and didn’t really think it applied to me. As a result of reading a thread here, I decided to look up the definition. A great deal of the traits are applicable (and some that are not) but have come to the conclusion that my actions are consistent with the definition of the personality disorder.
I have had some difficulties in the past surrounding personal relationships and my work/study habits and can now identify the commonalities of problems that I (apparently) caused. It has been said that the first step is admitting the problem, but now what? I’m not expecting it to be easy, since I can recall many of the identifiable characteristics presenting themselves at a very early age (certainly by age 7), but can people with this type of problem alter their personality?
In the document linked above, it indicates that the person direct their behaviour towards a “leisurely personality” type, but that seems to be very similar (which is the reason that this transition is suggested) but less ‘passive’.
SO…have any of you been successfully treated for this? How? Have any of you had to help someone like this to change?
I’d say that passive aggression is your way of exerting power over others, maybe revenge. You’ve probably learned this way of behaving, I doubt you were born with it. Who taught you that you shouldn’t speak up? Who taught you that you can’t get what you want by simply asking, or politely going and getting?
You’ve been bamboozled into believing that you need to be this way.
Start by working on your assertiveness.
Learn to get what you need by being clear and up front.
Learn to believe that you deserve to stand up for yourself.
Are there times when you aren’t passive aggressive?
People with whom you can be assertive?
Situations in which you don’t feel the need for revenge?
How are those created?
Who in your life can testify to your ability to be up front and assertive?
What do they see in you that makes them believe you aren’t passive aggressive?
It helps to think of passive aggression as a phenomenon that isn’t a part of you, rather, you have a relationship with it and that relationship is becoming destructive.
You didn’t invent passive aggression, it was here a long time before you were born, it just came into your life, and maybe now it’s time it left.
Holy crap - I think I just read my profile. However, that is terribly general. I’m a nice passive aggressive. Just because my mood can change like a fart in the wind, and I can sulk for weeks until the other person caves in or moves across country, I don’t think I need to seek counseling.
But seriously, I learned this behavior honestly from my father, who fits this description in coping with difficult issues. It is destructive, and eats you up inside. I don’t know if anxiety/depression cause this to manifest or if it’s the other way around. I’ve always had a crappy self-opinion, therefore finding it difficult to speak up and be heard. It almost feels like a bunch of anger inside of you - and you don’t exactly know how or why it got there - but it comes out in every aspect of your life, and mostly negative. Yack!
We usually spend a week to two weeks on PAPD, when I cycle into teaching Interviewing and Counseling. I must start by saying it is one of the most difficult behaviors to unlearn and it will take work Cantara…
I would like to illustrate on thing first. You are doing it now.
Cite the last word in quote above. Commiseration.
You can not expect any kind of Commiseration or condolence from people regarding your disorder. This is something YOU and you alone need to stand up to and take on as a personal mountain to climb. Though I guarantee you when you reach the top you will feel wonderful.
A common treatment for those with mild to severe forms of PAPD use flooding techniques, where you rapidly change your behaviors to quickly. This shows you that you can do it, and shows you rather quickly what it feels like to lose the habit of being passive aggressive. I suggest a behavior therapist, one who’s not going to put up with you trying to control the situation, or one who will point it out when you are. Bold therapists are best when dealing with PADP…
Thank you for the responses so far, they are each very enlightening…even 3waygeeks, and I agree with Bippy the Beardless.
greck - I’ve only come to the realization of this and so am still attempting to analyze the times I do this and how it is manifesting itself. I don’t harbour feelings of revenge and don’t think that it is overpowering my life, but those close to me are be most affected by it. The things that I identified with were the reject of authority figures and the ignoring of tasks assigned to me that I don’t feel merit attention. I don’t think that I complain and am able to function socially very well (although it certainly isn’t a priority to me).
I don’t assert myself enough because I am not certain that my opinions or needs are necessarily important. I will usually acquiesce to those around me in order to please the most people. In fact, I know I take on more than I can handle because I don’t want to say “No” to people and have some apprehension of appearing like a slacker by not taking on a task.
Phlosphr - I suppose that I should be guarded with my posts. The commiseration point was simply added to elicit stories from people who may have identified this in themselves or those close to them so that I may better understand my own actions. I don’t think that I am miserable (in fact life (overall) is very good for me right now), but I do get frustrated and frustrate those around me…more than occasionally but less than frequently…I think. Thank you for the input, these are the things I need to hear.
jellen92 - thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have already identified this in yourself, have you managed to change your behaviours?
If your “condition” concerns you, might I suggest you seek professional help. You mentioned that there were some traits that resembled you and some that didnt. Perhaps you are not what you think you are. Maybe youre looking for something to blame on and this new theory just happens to fit. Talk to someone who knows what Passive-Aggressiven Disorder really is. At the very least it will confirm or deny what you think is going on with you and at the most, he or she may be able to help you as to what direction to take.
My bet is you don’t have a personality disorder.
First of all, because, well, personality disorders are pretty uncommon. Second, because our personality is how we react to the world under any stress (simply put). It takes alot to have a personality disorder. It takes alot of clinical skill to diagnose one, they usually look like alot of other things too. Also, it’s not an official diagnosis yet, it’s just being studied to determine if it’s an identifiable disorder or not.
May sound nitpicky, but you don’t want to go around telling people you have a personality disorder, it’s very stigmatizing.
I’d say you’re more likely to engage in passive aggressive behavior, but I doubt that this behavior is your main way of reacting to the world.
I wouldn’t get too bogged down figuring out the “why” of things too much. The more you talk about yourself as passive aggressive, the more likely you are to believe that that’s who you are. Break it down into identifiable bits of behavior, and figure out what you want that you’re not getting. Remember that the term “passive aggressive” is a shortcut used to describe a bunch of behaviors.
Figure out what you want to be and how to be it.
Start by getting a self help book about assertiveness maybe.