Of pancreatic cancer. Was just diagnosed 18 days ago. Insidious disease.
We are not close friends, but good neighbors to each other. We look after each others yards, pick up mail when we are out of town, etc. I don’t even know how he is, I would guess early 60’'s. He is at home, heavily medicated, and under hospice care.
His wife is going into complete renal failure and will have a kidney transplant within the next couple weeks. She is about my age, 50ish.
I feel badly for them but it seems like I should feel worse about it. They are good people and I just don’t know them well, and we been neighbors for 16 years.
Feel how you feel, and be nice to them. That’s all you can do. I have a neighbor who was recently diagnosed with Alzhiemers. I feel bad for her and help her when I see she needs it (I checked on her when her husband was out for the night) but I also remember that she was less than kind to me when I was young, and I can’t muster up a huge amout of grief.
He died about two hours ago. Probably about 50 ft from my recliner. Feels weird. I don’t think I ever been that close (in proximity) to someone that died.
He is out of pain and at peace now. His family and friends have been here all day, he was surrounded by love ones. I never went over there to say goodbye. It is just not my nature, but I keep wondering if they think I should have called on them.
The wife might appreciate it if you take a casserole over or something. Sounds like she has enough problems of her own on top of dealing with this. Even though you weren’t close, it does help to know others want to help even if it’s a small thing.
I’ve actually held the hand of someone as they died. As well as hearing about death at a distance or after the fact. I find it feels weird regardless of proximity.
Hold on to those thoughts - no more pain, at peace, surrounded by family and friends. There are worse things than this.
Having recently gone through the death of my mother, not to mention having lost friends and family over the years, you don’t have to do that, and in some cases the dying don’t really want much company. Mom didn’t - she didn’t look good or feel good and just wanted things quiet and dimly lit and peaceful without many people around so that’s what we arranged for her.
DO express your condolences and if you feel you can offer some assistance do so. Bringing food is traditional for many people when making a call on a grieving family, but it’s not mandatory. Even if they don’t take you up on your offer, the fact you offer will be appreciated.
One small thing which is often greatly appreciated - cut their grass for them. They will be having people coming by and won’t have time to get to it themselves.
Sometimes I think we protect our minds by not letting ourselves feel certain things too deeply. That is what allows us to look after the well-being of more than one person during our lifetimes. If they all hurt the way it hurts to lose a member of the family, we might never take the time to become involved in caring for each other.
It was good of you to do these kindnesses for your neighbor. Don’t be hard on yourself now if you don’t feel much pain. You know, you are going through a little bit of a shock yourself since this happened so quickly.
I’m 66. I don’t “feel” old. But friends are dying. One of those friends was someone I knew since before we learned to talk. Pre-verbal friends. When he died, I felt like there was something primal wrong with my life.
Since then, I added some new – and younger – friends to my life. And I participate in more group activities. And I’m trying to find some things to do that I’ve never done before.
I hope that your neighbor’s wife makes it through the difficult times ahead with the comfort of friends and family. And I hope that you will feel at ease with whatever you are feeling. I’m glad that you posted.
I am not much of a cook, but I have done some minor lawn maintenance in the past few weeks. A storm blew through a few days back and I picked up the limbs etc. that fell to the ground. I would have mowed the yard, but one the sons (or son-in-law) beat me to it. I have watered their garden and will continue to do so for the rest of the summer.
The sons and son-in-laws are handling the typical male household chores now but I am sure that they need to get back to their own lives soon enough. I will tell the wife that I will mow the yard when necessary, and continue watering the garden. I am not good with weed-eating and similar because of a bum arm and back but I will do my best.