I’ve been lurking here for about 5 years. Now i’m going to post.
This is my story.
I got married when I was 23. I married a wonderful, wonderful man. He was truly my soul mate. We never argued, always talked to eachother with respect and kindness. But (and theres always a but) he had issues with sex. He didnt like it. He didnt even like kissing. We were married for almost 11 years and we kissed maybe half a dozen times. The total lack of affection sent me into a downward spiral until I ended up cutting my wrist and spent two months in a mental health institution. I realized that I just was not able to continue to live like that.
We got divorced in august of this year, I moved to the other side of the country
(Canada) and moved back in with my parents. I’m shattered. I’m stuck. Everything I worked for and expected to happen is gone. I dont have my best friend, my home, my pets, anything.
I need to learn to live again. I’m thinking that doing something like joining the Peace Corps would be a good idea but we dont have the Peace Corps in Canada. I cant seem to find anything like it here. Do any of you know about some kind of organization like that in Canada? Have any of you done anything like that? If so, what was it like?
I feel like i’m watching someone else type this and feel totaly disconnected from what i’m typing so I’m hoping that i’m not coming across as a complete nut-job.
Any thoughts, advice, experiences or knowledge would be greatly appreciated.
My first thought was “Get to her profile, get her email address and write her,” but yours isn’t listed so there goes that:) I find privacy (such as that of email) more conducive to some aspects of the healing process.
Your choice, obviously. Use the email in my profile or sadpunk at gmail dot com if you’d like to talk about this, that or any other:)
(Five years, eh? I promise not to run nekkid - at first:D)
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle and breakup. Human contact is so important and I can’t imagine living with someone so long and not having that part of the relationship.
Where are you in Canada? I’m in Toronto and I have a vague awareness of a number of greenish organisations–solar power, permaculture, etc–that always welcome interested folks. Then there’re places like the film co-op I just joined, that runs on volunteer labour and donations… and offers learning workshops too! I know someone who is volunteering to give palliative care as well; I could ask for details.
Do you want to taking part in a volunteer or activist group? Go overseas? What are you interested in?
But–and forgive me for being presumptuous–it also sounds to me like you need to grieve these terrible losses until you can start feeling again. I remember when my sister died, I was spaced out and disconnected and it was three months until I cracked open and really started feeling things, and even then it was a long long time before I really stabilised and could go on. I was lucky–I had (and still have) a very good counselor. If you don’t have one, get one. I mean it.
Bonjour, Assilem, from another Toronto area doper (Guelph actually, we don’t like being lumped into Toronto).
I am sorry for your plight. Human beings need joy, and affection, and intimacy, and sex. I understand your frustration and depression.
Now, for moving on…
What are your qualifications? I know of some peace-corp like organizations, but they all cater to specific groups, like nurses, etc. I’m guessing that what your are after is an experience that will help to crystalize your self-image, help you figure out who you are in the context of this new world order.
I went through this a few years back, when my ex kicked me out (after 12 years of marriage). My advice: get out of the house and meet people. Join a group, have some fun, and make a new life for yourself!
It is tough, but you WILL get over this!
All the best to you!
Can’t help too much with the whole Canadian organizations bit, being an American. But I will say that it sounds like you’ve gone through some rough times–I don’t know how I could stand a marriage like that for 11 years, your strength is amazing!–and you will get through this one.
Congratulations in beginning the healing process, and best of luck! Feel free to email me, as well, if you need to talk about whatever.
Assilem, I don’t think I’ve ever recommended a casual fling to anyone before, but I’m going to in your case. You need someone (anyone) to give you physical loving. As soon as you find someone who wants to kiss and hold and have sex with you, you’re going to realize that you actually are attractive and that people want you.
At this point I would say try not to be romantically inclined to anyone for at least a year, but definitely have a physical relationship as soon as you can. Starving yourself of human contact for eleven years is just not right. Remedy this as soon as you can.
I always “sound” bossy when I try to give people relationship advice on these boards. I’m sorry if I sound that way.
I agree with this advice. A physical relationship can really do wonders for one’s self-esteem, generally without all the drama (and the love–but you take the good with the bad) of an emotional relationship. Getting in some pretty much purely physical summer flings really made me feel better about myself at a time when I wasn’t entirely sure who I was, and helped me eventually “graduate” to a meaningful emotional relationship (which, unfortunately, ended after a month, but hey, that’s the breaks–she didn’t like that I drink sometimes and get high–I wish her luck in finding someone who doesn’t on this campus!). Anyway, I think a physical relationship will do wonders for you. I hadn’t thought of that, but it’s a good idea.
Thank you so much for your replies. I am only really able to use my moms computer in the evenings (i left my computer for my husband to use) so tonight i’ll come back and respond a bit better.
Assilem, welcome to the boards! (Well, the posting part of the boards, anyway.)
It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time right now. The good news is that it will get better. A lot better. So much better that you’ll look back at the time you were married and wonder “why did I stay in that situation so long?”
The thing about these transitional phases is that even though they are lonely and scary, they’re also great for shaking you out of patterns you may have fallen into and really forcing you to re-examine who you are and what you want out of life. Now is the time to take chances, try new things. Take dance classes, join social/community groups, and do things you’ve talked about doing but never gotten around to. Most importantly, when you’re doing these things, be fearless about introducing yourself to people, chatting with strangers. Why not? Take a holiday from your usual self and do things just for the sake of doing them. Ask someone you find attractive on a date. Even if they decline, the bravery of doing such a thing is exhilirating.
And if you do get into a physical romance (which I highly recommend), try not to get emotionally attached too fast. It’s natural after being with someone who isn’t physically affection to fall head over heels for the first person you’re with who is, but it’s better to take the emotional part slow if you can.
