My oldest sister is moving away and I'll probably never see or speak to her again

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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…and I’m completely okay with that.

I’m not completely heartless, at least I don’t think I am, because I think I should feel a bit sad. Or at least something, but I’m mostly blank. Actually happy that part of my life (one of my siblings) is done.

I think I’ve posted about this, but I’m the youngest of four and there are some things that they did when I was younger that messed me up for for life. The final straw was when my Dad died, my Mom told the truth and said I was treated differently (worse) than the other three. I literally walked away from the table and didn’t say more than a few words to them for the next 22 years.

In 2017, I broke the silence, which was a literal miracle because my Mom was sick. She died less than a year later. We agreed to meet annually for dinner to celebrate my parents, but his year I had food poisoning and couldn’t attend, so last June was the last time I ever saw them.

She’s moving to L.A. from Hawaii next month, and I hate to travel, so I’ll never visit. She said she’ll be back next year, so there’s a possibility everyone may have dinner, but my gut feeling is this pandemic won’t be over next year.

I’m not asking for any advice. Just MPSIMS so I don’t feel like a complete ass. SEE, I do have some sort of feelings about the situation! LOL!

Oh…we was COVID positive about a month ago. Collapsed at home, thankfully her daughter was visiting, and she was hospitalized for a few days. According to my brother’s text, the Doctor said she was “One of the good ones” and sent her home. I kept an eye on my phone to for my brother’s text that she died. But it never came. Wouldn’t go the her or anyone’s funeral, much less visit them in the hospital.

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Didi44, You don’t sound like an ass at all. You sound like someone who’s learned the value of self-protection. There’s no law that says you have to see relatives who’ve treated you poorly. You’re entitled to set up boundaries.

One caveat: make sure you’ve said everything to your siblings you need to, or you may end up arguing with ghosts when they’re gone.

Sorry you’ve had to go through all this. I hope you get peace of mind and some sense of having stood up for yourself.

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Thank you for the comment.

When we reconciled, my two sisters and I had some very long, deep talks. My brother has always been the quiet type and he didn’t really contribute to the mental abuse. He just wasn’t there most of the time, since he was in his teens and I’m seven years younger.

To be clear. They didn’t always treat me badly. They were actually really nice to me sometimes when they were older, but like my parents, I’ll never know if it was true love or just guilt.

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This is heartbreaking. I hope that you and her find a way to reconnect.

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One caveat: make sure you’ve said everything to your siblings you need to, or you may end up arguing with ghosts when they’re gone.

Truer words. My abusive mother and I never talked about the bad stuff, so never got around to talking it out and settling matters (to the hoped satisfaction of at least me), not once in over 34 years. Sixteen years after her passing, it still eats at me every day, with seemingly little or no way to alleviate that (and I’m already on medication and undergoing therapy).

They say to tell your loved ones that you love them, before it’s too late. Sure, okay, I agree, and my family hears it all the time. But if you’ve got something you need to get settled with another person, and you never get around to doing that, then you’ve deprived yourself of some measure of healing. Do it for you, not for anybody else.

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Today is the 7th anniversary of my brother Steven’s death. He hated me. He would get in my face and yell “fuck you, I hate you.” My mother said that even when we were kids he didn’t like me. The last time I spoke to him was January 2011 and he ended the conversation with “bite me.” Seven years ago I was the one who gave the hospital the o.k. to pull the plug. He had been on a ventilator for 2 weeks after going into respiratory failure in the doctor’s office.

I will never understand why he hated me, except that he had his demons. And I don’t care why he hated me. And I don’t miss him.

TL;DR. It’s okay to not see a sibling ever again.

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I’m so sorry this is the case. I’m sure anyone going through such a traumatic childhood would feel the same distrust. Kudos on having had the deep talks instead of avoiding the topic, as so many people would do. And it’s good that you recognize they were really nice…sometimes. :worried:

You say their niceness might be guilt. I assume that means they’ve expressed remorse, which is good, but of course not enough to earn your trust. I don’t know, and please excuse me for going out on a limb here, but it seems to me both the anger I sense in “wouldn’t go to her or anyone else’s funeral, much less visit them in the hospital” and the blankness are signs you haven’t finished working through this. I’m not saying you should go to family funerals or visit them in the hospital; I’m just wondering if this is really resolved for you.

You’ve clearly put a lot of work into the situation already, and you should be very proud of the way you took the reins and addressed the issues with your siblings. I hope you have a rich, fulfilling life whether your family is ever involved in it again or not.

Oh, and just curious, but what were they doing in the 22 years between when you walked away and when you broke the silence? Was it strictly your silence or theirs, too? I mean, how much effort, if any, did they put into being a part of your life? If they let you walk away and then ignored you except for those few words, that, too, would be pretty messed up.

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“They say to tell your loved ones that you love them, before it’s too late. Sure, okay, I agree, and my family hears it all the time. But if you’ve got something you need to get settled with another person, and you never get around to doing that, then you’ve deprived yourself of some measure of healing. Do it for you, not for anybody else.”

Thank you for the comment. FWIW, she’s 70 and I’m ten years younger. We’ve talked out everything that was on my mind in 2017. I told her that if we we weren’t related, we would never be friends because we are so different and she agreed.

There’s no, “I never said I love you”, because I’m Okinawan/Japanese and I’ve never said I love to you to my parents, immediate family or extended family. And there’s no regret. My Mom would tell me she loved me the most in her later years, but my Dad never said those words and like it or not, I take after him.

"You say their niceness might be guilt. I assume that means they’ve expressed remorse, which is good, but of course not enough to earn your trust. I don’t know, and please excuse me for going out on a limb here, but it seems to me both the anger I sense in “wouldn’t go to her or anyone else’s funeral, much less visit them in the hospital” and the blankness are signs you haven’t finished working through this. I’m not saying you should go to family funerals or visit them in the hospital; I’m just wondering if this is really resolved for you.

Oh, and just curious, but what were they doing in the 22 years between when you walked away and when you broke the silence? Was it strictly your silence or theirs, too? I mean, how much effort, if any, did they put into being a part of your life? If they let you walk away and then ignored you except for those few words, that, too, would be pretty messed u

Thank you for the comment and questions. This is rather cathartic for me as I don’t have anyone else I speak to.

It’s not only their funeral or visit to the hospital I wouldn’t do, it’s that way for me with anyone who I befriend. I’ve seen them enough while they were living and well and I don’t need last memories of them in a casket or in hospital bed. When my Mom passed, I said there was no need for a funeral service or a private viewing because there was only one brother who was still alive or not in a care home. And two in-laws who live in the mainland and in no shape to travel. And our cousins have all drifted onto their own families and lives.

I don’t have any anger, though some may say I do, rather a feeling that other than our sharing the same blood, we have no real caring for each other. As I said above, saying I love you to my family is completely foreign to me. When my siblings tell me they love me, it always includes “Because you’re my brother.”. Never because I truly like you or you’re a good person. Even my Mom, in the last ten years would say, “I love you the most because you’ve stayed with me and take care of me.” Sincere? Maybe in an Asian way, but it’s always conditional.

During my estrangement, they would have get-togethers at my Mom’s (my) house and I’d just stay in my rooms which were separated by a hallway door which was part of the design of the house. I was always told, "You’re invited, but would politely decline. It didn’t help that both my sisters and sister-in-law are terrible cooks! I told the story here about my sister-in-law cooking beef stew and everyone (my brother, my Dad (who had a cast iron stomach), my girlfriend and I) got sick the next day. Only my Mom, who doted on my sister-in-law claimed she didn’t get sick and ate it the next day.

I’ve never been to anyone’s house and only vaguely know where they live. The only reason my brother knows my address is because I had to give an emergency contact on my rental agreement.

Exchanges were limited to Hi, Bye, are you okay? and little more. Even now, my brother sends me a text every few months just to check up on me since I’m single and have no kids. It started because I joked that I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice the smell if I died in my apartment.

All three of them have grown kids, my brother has two grandchildren and I don’t think they talk much, since at last year’s dinner, my brother said he hadn’t seen my sisters since the previous year. My second sister lives at the oldest sister’s house and will be taking care of it until my older sister decides to sell it or not.

I don’t know how common this is with other families, but our extended family holiday gatherings slowly shrank as the parents and cousins grew older and had their own family gatherings. By my early 20’s (mid to late 30’s+ for my cousins), the extended family gatherings had stopped. So there’s a precedent for this in my family.

Wow…sorry for the rambling!

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Agree. You can choose your friends, but you are assigned your family.

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Yeah, I have a sister who has never liked me, has barely spoken to me in decades, and who I am totally OK with never seeing or speaking to again. Years - decades - ago I tried enough holding my hand out to appease my inner needs, she rejected it. It’s on her now.

You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life.