GOOD!!! You would NOT believe all the young twentysomethings I was friendly with in college, who thought that their current realtionship was THE ONE Starting sr year, everything began to fall apart. Unless someone is VERY mature, I would not reccomend even thinking of marriage until the couple is at least 25. People are right. You barely really even know the dude yet.
Let the relationship GROW and mature. In two or three years you may not be the same people you were today.
Can’t blame your parents. It’s great that he rings your bell, but someone who’s always blaming the situation for their woes instead of just sucking it up and taking care of business isn’t really a fully mature man and certainly isn’t ready to be a rock a woman can depend on.
Well, it’s been 2 days and I already feel awful. We had a fight tonight about why I don’t think we’re ready to get married. How is it possible to be so certain of two things that contradict each other? How can I not be able to live without him, but barely be able to live with him right now, let alone marry him?
oh wise dopers…thank you for your advice. please, I think I need a little more. How can I convince myself that being selfish is probably the right thing to do here? How can I believe I’m not being petty? How can the right thing to do cause so much hurt?
But you’re not being selfish.
In order to be able to take care of someone, first you need to be in good health yourself. In order to be able to take care of you, he needs to be well; in order to be able to take care of him, you need to be well. Yes, even if you both enter marriage in the best of health there will be times when you’re both in bad shape - but entering it when you’re both in bad shape? That’s not “being generous,” that’s “displaying the IQ of a doorknob at room temperature outdoors in the South Pole at midnight on June 24th.”
It sounds to me like there isn’t much HE is willing to do to take care of YOU. Marriage is a mutual support contract and, while you are not responsible for his happiness nor he for yours, “pouting at your partner” is not the attitude of a grown-up who wants to shoulder his share.
ETA: this is not intended as an attack on people who married someone who was in bad health. What’s not right is one partner manipulating the other, not one partner being sick.
Make sure you’re both fighting about the same thing. Is the issue that you’re not planning on gettting married right now, or is he interpreting your wish to delay the marriage as saying ‘I don’t love you enough to marry you’ or something along those lines? People make their own interpretations about things, so it’s important to make sure you are both reading off the same page.
I would also offer this: if I truly loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, and I knew that they loved me, wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, but they didn’t feel ready to make the formal commitment of a marriage just yet, I’d give them some time. Not an indefinite amount of time, sure, but I’d be willing to wait at least a year. I’d want them to feel as comfortable and confident about the marriage as I did. That’s what a partnership does.
Everything that Nava said. Getting married in that situation was almost certain to cause a terrible trainwreck of a marriage breakup. Neither of you is healthy or happy, and that’s an awful foundation for a commitment like that.
You are not being selfish.
Where are you getting the idea that not marrying him right away is “selfish?” From him? Probably. Sounds like he’s a master of emotional manipulation and he’s playing you like a shofar. He’s laying a hell of a guilt trip on you.
Look. The fact that you’re frum is irrelevant. You are an adult American woman, and as such, you are entitled to make your own decisions about who you want to marry and when. If you decide you don’t want to marry someone at the moment, you need no other reason than “I don’t feel like marrying him at the moment.” Your parents will support your decision. So what’s the problem?
Postponing the marriage may raise a few eyebrows in your community, but sometimes in life you have to go against the grain a little bit. And besides–as much as tongues might wag if you postpone the wedding, it’ll be nothing compared to the tongue-wagging that will happen if you announce a divorce. They may not “like it” (as GilaB says), but do you really think they want to see you in a bad marriage? They’d like that a lot less.
May I offer a suggestion to you? You’ll probably reject it out of hand, but I think it would be very helpful in your situation. Postpone the wedding. Then tell him that you want to take a month without talking with him or seeing him. It will be very hard at first, but you need some space to think, and you definitely need to protect yourself from manipulation. That way you can evaluate your own needs and wants without having him impose his needs and wants on you.
This will also allow you to see how he reacts to your clear and firm statement of what YOU need. Will he let you have the month or will he try to see you. If he tries to phone you a couple of times, that’s not such a big deal (maybe your parents can run interference for you), but if he is pushy or devious about getting in touch with you, then you have some very valuable information about his character. And when the month is done, you can see if he’s going to try to make you feel guilty about it. If he does, then you have another valuable piece of information.
Good luck and be strong.
p.s. Just curious–what part of the country do you live in?
Green Bean, I realize that we’re both women, but could I please bear your children?
My wife and I met at about 20, had one year of an intense relationship, and then broke up. If we had gotten married then, it would have been a disaster. A few years later, after growing up a bit, we got together again, got married, and have been married for over 30 years. so the wrong person at 20 could be the right person at 25.