We booked my mum in to go to a 3 hour grandparents class at the hospital where I’m giving birth. The class was today, and mum missed it. I admit that I was surprised that she didn’t go, but I wasn’t all that worried as I only saw it as a refresher for her. However, my partner was very annoyed that she didn’t go and now he’s said that he will not let her look after the baby without one of us present until she’s done that class.
I am stunned at his reaction! That’s because my mum managed to look after my 2 brothers and I successfully, and she has 2 grandchildren already that haven’t come to any harm whilst in her care. I might also add that mum is a nurse. She originally trained as a pediatric nurse (many years ago) and has been practicing as a general nurse for the past 25 years – so whilst she may not have the absolute latest info on care of newborns, she is most certainly competent and capable as far as caring for a child goes.
I think it would be good for her to do the class, and interesting too, but certainly not a prerequisite to the effective care of our bubba. I think his reaction is unreasonable and it’s really upset me. Not only does it mean that he & I won’t be able to go out alone until she’s done the class, but it also means that I have to tell her he thinks she’s incompetent.
Is he over-reacting?
Our baby is due on 18th December and the next grandparents class isn’t until mid-January.
Tell your partner that billions of grandparents up and down history have managed to take care of their grandkids without formal training. Besides, after a few weeks of taking care of you baby, you’ll be able to instruct your mom yourself.
She’s a frakking *nurse *and he’s refusing? Um, yeah, I’d say total overreaction, assuming your baby is healthy and full term. Babies are just not that hard to take care of, and while there are some newish rules (put them on their backs to sleep, don’t use heirloom cribs, don’t put cereal in the bottle), there’s nothing that can’t be communicated in about 5 minutes if you’re organized.
Why did she miss the class? Just didn’t get to it or did something genuinely urgent stop her from going?
Our view with our parents is that *we * are the boss when it comes to our children. That this is understood by all parties is important, because they could have been presumptuous, divisive or disruptive (they are in fact terrific).
Your mother’s expertise could be a blessing if she knows her place. Not going to this class could well be a signal. Without a good reason for her failing to attend the class I’d be concerned.
Granted, my wife and I are control freaks, but all this “but she’s a nurse” and “grandparents manage” stuff would have us changing the locks. It is perfectly legitimate and IMHO vital to make it clear that *you both *set boundaries for grandparents and that you insist that they do as they agree.
My grandparents came over to The Nephew’s baptism; he was 3mo at the time. Mom gave the kidlet to Gramps and SiL headed over to explain to him how to hold the kid. A very offended Gramps: “I’ve held two sisters, three daughters and five grandchildren, please trust that I remember how to do it. I can change diapers and bathe babies, too.”
Gramps had more experience with babies than SiL did: she’s a GP, but had never been around babies outside of ObGyn class and practice until she gave birth. He, as stated, was holding a 4th generation (and while he’s not very right in the head, he’s just his usual crazy, not senile).
How does he get along with her? Is it possible that he sees this as her usurping his (or both of your) authority? That it could be, by her not attending, her ‘subtle’ way of saying that she knows best regardless of what she agreed to? I have no children, but my mother does similar things in other ways. She swears that X is how she’ll do something although as soon as the time comes for her to do, she’ll do instead exactly as she pleases, others’ opinions or feelings be damned.
As somewhat of a possible power play, it’s something to consider.
Congratulations and good luck!
Yes, I’d say this is an overreaction, a pretty big one. What makes him think you’re mother needs a course to look after a baby? Obviously your existence is proof of her ability to do so.
She had something that she had to attend to which she explained to me, and I was satisfied that it wasn’t just an excuse - and she has already booked herself in for the January class. I don’t think she’s trying to get out of it. But even if it did turn out that she doesn’t want to do it, surely she already has enough training and experience to make her a suitable carer for a child.
I think he’s overreacting too. You have a medical professional who is family and is willing and able to help you look after the baby every now and again? I would be counting my blessings.
Faithfool no, I don’t think it would be a power play.
But I could well imagine, as others have suggested, that she doesn’t think it’s really necessary and maybe even a slap in the face… even still, if she told me she would do it, then she would do it.
Then Moglet honey, I’d think that if you really feel there’s no problem and she’s already signed up for the class in January, then I’d simply go with the flow. You’ve got a lot of stuff bearing down on you now, soon and into a lengthy bit of the future, so I’d definitely make life as easy on myself as I could by keeping the peace with your partner and not saying anything else to your mother. Let the time pass and then enjoy what everyone had already agreed to.
If there’s further problems after that, cross those bridges then. You’ll need all the support you can get and having every faction as happy as possible will keep mama (you) well. In other words, do what’s best for you most.
I (again) agree with faithfool. If your mom is okay with taking the class, then let her, and don’t stress about it. If you haven’t given birth yet (“the hospital where I’m giving birth”), you’re really not likely to want to leave your newborn with mom in the next 6 weeks anyhow. By the time you’re ready to ask her to babysit, the January class will have been held.
The first rule of parenting is to do what works best for your family. The second is to choose your battles. It’s probably not worth a fight with your partner when Mom’s willing to play ball.
I think your partner is overreacting. Then again, your partner has no clue what it is like to raise a child yet. You might see a change. Future-parents are quite possibly the most deluded people on the planet.
OTOH, I refuse to offer myself and my brother as proof my mother had experience. I still can’t fathom my mother doing all the things you have to do to keep a kid alive. She’s a space case on a good day. Not to mention our fond memories of hanging out a Lum’s drinking shirley temples waiting for my mother to come get us because she “forgot.”
faithfool and WhyNotI guess you’re right - now’s not the time for this. I’m just upset that we won’t be able to have the level of support and freedom I’d like because of his over-reaction.
My mum will be an excellent carer and deep down I think he really knows it.
Auntbeast I hear you on the future-parent thing. I’m fairly sure I’m deluded too.
We have a seven week old and I’m not sure what you would get in a grandparent’s class. Aside from Doctors now insisting that baby sleep on its back as opposed to its stomach, is there anything that has changed? And Grandma was trained as a pediatric nurse, so she is probably ahead of the curve. Tell your SO to get over it, already any help should be welcomed.
Newborns are a lot of work. They need to be fed every two to three hours and there is always something that needs doing. The more someone can come and help the better.