(WARNING: Extremely whiny and self-pitying)
I am a diplobrat or “Third Culture Kid” or whatever you want to call it.
I have spent most of my life moving from one country to another. Some people think it’s novel, others seem pretty indifferent since I tend to blend in well enough. It’s definitely a mixed blessing and maybe I’m just trying to scapegoat all my problems into it, but I have little doubt that my upbringing has had an enormous impact on who I am today (how could it not). And who I am today is a lonely, depressed, emotionally stunted, cynical young man.
I don’t have a social life. I spend most of my time on the internet or reading. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to form new relationships that I may have to abandon, or maybe it’s because of my inherently repellent personality. Either way, I can’t relate to anyone. I get blank stares when I tell stories from my childhood since my experiences do not very much resemble theirs. Everyone around me seems to value things that seem inconsequential to me (like football), but that might just my arrogance talking. Somehow I’ve managed to find to a lovely girlfriend (who loves all things foreign and was undoubtedly attracted to my unique background), but she doesn’t understand why I get depressed sometimes. I have acquaintances but that’s not the same as friends. The two people I consider to be true friends, along with all my family are tens of thousands of miles away. So I stay alone in my apartment for holidays and I’ve learned to dread breaks like Thanksgiving or Christmas where day after day of solitude and boredom chip away at me. Get a job you say? Not with a F-1 Visa. I can work on campus, and I do but not during breaks.
I’m only 21 and already full of regret about opportunities missed in countries that I will probably never see again. I miss those places too…
I am not an American citizen but having gone to a series of schools following the American curriculum makes it near impossible to find a future in my home country (South Korea) since my Korean writing and reading is not nearly up to standards. I have to settle someplace that speaks English as a foreigner. Though I probably won’t live there, I still need to serve 2 years in the military with basically no pay as a dutiful male Korean citizen. At least I have that to look forward to after graduation.
Also, people seem to have this idea that diplomats are extremely well-paid. I will readily admit that I never went a day hungry and lived a privileged life in many aspects. But my family is not extraordinarily wealthy. I don’t drive flashy BMW or any car at all for that matter, in a college town in the middle of nowhere, where cars are almost a necessity. I generally have to rely on the charity of others to go grocery shopping. I get to see my family once a year, during the summer break. My parents do not hesitate to remind how financially burdensome this American college of mine is, especially since I’ll graduate in 5 years instead 4 (freshman/part of sophomore year was spent in deep depression, completely neglecting school). So I am frugal to the point it’s almost embarrassing.
I am afraid to commit to or look forward to anything since time and time again I’ve had to abandon them. I feel my life is being inflicted on me more than I am leading it. How am I supposed to feel in control when I had to endure one drastic change after another without the slightest discretion from me?
I know I can take steps to improve my life and I’m trying… But sometimes it feels like I have so many hurdles that no one else has to deal with. But I also know that there are so many others that face greater struggles and problems.
Sorry if this was long and disjointed… But I thank you for reading it.