My personal rant

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(WARNING: Extremely whiny and self-pitying)

I am a diplobrat or “Third Culture Kid” or whatever you want to call it.
I have spent most of my life moving from one country to another. Some people think it’s novel, others seem pretty indifferent since I tend to blend in well enough. It’s definitely a mixed blessing and maybe I’m just trying to scapegoat all my problems into it, but I have little doubt that my upbringing has had an enormous impact on who I am today (how could it not). And who I am today is a lonely, depressed, emotionally stunted, cynical young man.
I don’t have a social life. I spend most of my time on the internet or reading. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to form new relationships that I may have to abandon, or maybe it’s because of my inherently repellent personality. Either way, I can’t relate to anyone. I get blank stares when I tell stories from my childhood since my experiences do not very much resemble theirs. Everyone around me seems to value things that seem inconsequential to me (like football), but that might just my arrogance talking. Somehow I’ve managed to find to a lovely girlfriend (who loves all things foreign and was undoubtedly attracted to my unique background), but she doesn’t understand why I get depressed sometimes. I have acquaintances but that’s not the same as friends. The two people I consider to be true friends, along with all my family are tens of thousands of miles away. So I stay alone in my apartment for holidays and I’ve learned to dread breaks like Thanksgiving or Christmas where day after day of solitude and boredom chip away at me. Get a job you say? Not with a F-1 Visa. I can work on campus, and I do but not during breaks.
I’m only 21 and already full of regret about opportunities missed in countries that I will probably never see again. I miss those places too…
I am not an American citizen but having gone to a series of schools following the American curriculum makes it near impossible to find a future in my home country (South Korea) since my Korean writing and reading is not nearly up to standards. I have to settle someplace that speaks English as a foreigner. Though I probably won’t live there, I still need to serve 2 years in the military with basically no pay as a dutiful male Korean citizen. At least I have that to look forward to after graduation.
Also, people seem to have this idea that diplomats are extremely well-paid. I will readily admit that I never went a day hungry and lived a privileged life in many aspects. But my family is not extraordinarily wealthy. I don’t drive flashy BMW or any car at all for that matter, in a college town in the middle of nowhere, where cars are almost a necessity. I generally have to rely on the charity of others to go grocery shopping. I get to see my family once a year, during the summer break. My parents do not hesitate to remind how financially burdensome this American college of mine is, especially since I’ll graduate in 5 years instead 4 (freshman/part of sophomore year was spent in deep depression, completely neglecting school). So I am frugal to the point it’s almost embarrassing.
I am afraid to commit to or look forward to anything since time and time again I’ve had to abandon them. I feel my life is being inflicted on me more than I am leading it. How am I supposed to feel in control when I had to endure one drastic change after another without the slightest discretion from me?

I know I can take steps to improve my life and I’m trying… But sometimes it feels like I have so many hurdles that no one else has to deal with. But I also know that there are so many others that face greater struggles and problems.
Sorry if this was long and disjointed… But I thank you for reading it.

2

You sound like a cool guy who is just going through some normal difficulty transitioning from adolescent to adult. I’m in the same period of life as you, so I know how tough it feels.

Other than that, it seems to me that you’re being awfully hard on yourself. You claim to have a repellant personality, but you have a GF and two good friends. That’s more than most people. Could you explain what is repelling about your personality? I think you’re a humble and cool guy from the little I’ve read about you.

I dont know what to tell you, but The Dope is always here for you, and I’m sure others will come along with better advice. Hang in there!

3

I’m really glad you wrote that here, man, because I’ve gone through similar situations myself. I’ll basically sum up my life for you in a few sentences. I grew up in extremely rurual Mississippi, but it was a bit harder, as I was never like the other kids. My parents were upper-middle class and tried to raise me in a way while not snobbish, but was above the racist, or idiotic tendencies of most of my peers. I had a really fun childhood, and no complaints there. Adolescence was rough, as I was really different, had more acne than most anyone I knew, and such. Then I went to a state-run boarding school for smart kids. I had a good time there, and sort of managed to be mainstream. But of course all the normal kids were nice, and I still have a lot of long-lasting friendships from that time period, I didn’t quite fit in right. Off to college where I desperately tried to fit in the same niche as my HS friends, but didn’t make the cut, and I gave up. At this point I had never had a GF and had only slept with one girl in my life. I was 20. Then I went to Europe for an exchange program, and that made all the difference in the world. I found that I had a lot much more in common with people from Europe than I did with most Americans.

I don’t have the nationality that I’d prefer to be able to allow me to stay in Europe. Now, I don’t want to give up my American nationality either, but still. I think the thing you have to do is have a plan to go back. But then you have to realize that you’ll probably never feel exactly at home in Korea either. It sucks that in America you just aren’t on the same page as everyone else, but it takes work to integrate in a foreign country. Here’s a few pieces of advice I could give you.

Look for a way to attend university in Korea. Check out student loans you could possibly receive. There do exist loans for foreign study programs. In Europe, for example, they’ll allow you to enroll in the University, for the express purpose of studying the foreign language before you begin classes. Maybe it’s possible in Korea too? The end result is, hopefully, that you’ll be able to get a job.

Finally, are you actually Korean in any way? Is your grandfather Korean? That can sometimes help the process. Also, serving in a foreign military would make your American citizenship go away.

Finally, you’re 21, it’s a very young age to get worried about this stuff. You have no debt, I assume, since your parents paid for uni, so that’s a good start. I am about to embark on a second BA at 25 because I realized that mine is pretty useless after much real-world experience. It sucks, especially considering my age, but I still have to give it a shot. But you are very lucky, and outside the US, being 21 isn’t such an old of an age as it is there.

Anyway, please ask me any questions that you want, I don’t know much about how it works in Korea, but your goal should be to go there no matter what, and stay. It probably isn’t as hard as you’d imagine.

4

My life sounds a lot like yours. There are a few differences, though:

  • You have a girlfriend.
  • Your parents pay for your education, thus
  • You don’t have to juggle work and school. I do, and my financial situation is still pretty much like yours after I’ve paid rent and bills and filled my gas tank; I eat every day, but only because of serendipity and the kindness of my friends.
  • You’re not in an endless debt cycle (with nothing to show for it–I only ever used my credit card for gas and food, and my last two landlords have fucked me over financially).
  • You’ve lived in more countries than I’ve even been in. I’ve lived less an hour away from an international border since I was 11 years old, but I wasn’t allowed to cross it when I was living with my parents, and now that I don’t live with my parents I’m constantly reminded that I can’t afford to get out of this county (sic) for a weekend.
  • You have to serve for your country’s military, whereas I have an unfavorable military discharge (which I can never change or erase) that my state illegally uses as a basis to deny me financial aid.

I hope you feel better, but honestly, I wish I had your problems.

5

Have you read Third Culture Kids? It may help you feel less alone.

As the parent of a TCK (only 9, so the hurdles of adolescence and young adulthood still await him) I am very concerned about the feelings of such individuals. One thing that struck me, when I read the book, was how the authors tried to put a brave face on things: being a TCK exposes you to so many wonderful opportunities, you have such a rich world view, etc. etc. All true, I hope. But when they presented real-life anecdotes, it became fairly clear there is a cost involved as well. Personally I hope that, for most people, the rewards do end up outweighing the disadvantages. But it would be foolish to deny that life is in many ways harder for TCKs, especially around college/young adulthood.

6

Where are you now? The moving around in your childhood of course you had no control over. It may set you apart a little from most people, but as you seem to have found with your girlfriend, that can be a positive and alluring trait that makes you interesting to others.

But if you really want to dig in roots somewhere, as an adult you will have that opportunity (ostensibly after you do your mandatory military service). Surely your worldy experience has helped you form an idea of what you like and don’t like, and you will be able to find a place that suits you.

The poverty thing sucks, granted. I’m going through the same thing. Knowing that through fiscal responsibility, planning, and a little hard work I can secure a much better future for myself keeps my spirits up though.

7

Disclaimer: I have no knowledge whatsoever of Korean military service, other than what you just told me (that its two years for all males). Nor have I ever served in any military myself, being female and exempted (I could volunteer, but that would mean giving up my double citizenship, and I don’t want that).

However, I currently live in a country that has mandatory military service for men as well, though only one year. Every boy I spoke to after he had been in and come back told me more or less the same thing, no matter if he liked it or hated it: they miss how simple life is in the military. Everything is planned for you, and all decisions made for you. You don’t have to juggle a million responsibilities and relationships like civilians do, you just do as your told, as best as you can. I’m not saying that its easy (I wouldn’t know) and I’m not saying it’s a good thing (I wouldn’t know), but it is a break from reality, which a lot of people seem to need at that age. Maybe military won’t be so bad for you? Atleast you won’t have to worry there, not about the same things anyway.

And I can sort of relate to feeling like that at the beginning of a study. Granted, I never had your troubles, but I felt bad too. And you know what? Things get better sometimes. For no reason at all. They did for me. Just…have hope? I worry when people feel bad like that, and I’m never any good at cheering up. Please, try to look at what you do have, and try to see that things aren’t as bad as all that. And I really doubt that the problem is a “repellant peronality”.

Is there nothing you can do to meet people and have social life? What would you like to do with other people if you got to decide? Do you have interests or hobbies? Maybe there is a club you could join or something (that’s what helped for me). Don’t scoff - sometimes being around people is good in itself, even if you don’t make fast friends.

8

I sympathise. Some of us are cursed never to feel at home. Ever since I left England in 1992 I’ve been looking for “home”. Now I’m back in England, I realise this isn’t my home either. I moved around a bit with my father (military) as a young child - though I did spend 10 years in the same place eventually. I dont’ know if this is what caused it. Perhaps, not being rooted is just a state of being for some of us - a form of depression or something.

9

To expand on what I said earlier, I have a constant yearning to experience other cultures, and there’s a short list of countries I feel I would fit better in. I’m dying to find out if I really do, but I can’t see myself actually able to do it for years, if ever. You’ve seen different ways of life and thus understand the subtleties of human interaction that much better. Instead of focusing on the negatives–“I don’t feel at home”, “I have to go back and serve in the military”, “I don’t fit in anywhere”, “I can’t afford to go out and do fun things”–focus on the positives: “I’ve already had a lot of rewarding experiences most of my countrymen can’t”, “I never have to worry where my next meal is coming from”, “I have a loving partner who understands me”. Just try to turn your negative thoughts around into positive ones. It sounds cheesy, but it works.

10

Well… No offense but it seems like your background (and the consequent problems) doesn’t resemble mine that much. The problems I mentioned, practical and psychological, stem from my upbringing which we don’t share. Sounds like your having a hard time too and I wish you the best of luck, but I didn’t post so someone could one-up me and tell me I’m being unappreciative. I know there are others facing greater hardships. Maybe I am being unappreciative but I don’t think you truly understand my situation enough to tell me so.

CairoCarol, I have read that book and it has helped me sort out some things. And don’t worry about your children becoming like me since these experiences affect everyone differently and there are those that cope better than I do or have.

Well anyway, I just wanted to bitch and get things off my chest, but I appreciate the replies.

11

Sorry. I was having a rough night and I didn’t mean to try to one-up you, hard as that may be to believe. That stuff was rude and bitter of me to say. I really was trying to tell you to look at the positives, but you’re right, that was a nasty way of doing it and it was uncalled for.

12

I’m sorry that you’re having so many problems. Have you sought treatment for depression? You might try the on-campus health center; maybe meds could help with the depression, at least a bit.

It might also help to get out and about more; there’s probably a lot of low cost or even free things you could do, like clubs or yoga, that sort of thing. Sorry, it’s been a long time since I was in college, so I’m trying to remember what all I did back then. Don’t sell yourself short; you probably have had quite a few interesting experiences that others would like to hear about. If you like music, there may be free/low cost concerts on campus you could attend. As you meet and make more and more friends, you might find some that will invite you to spend time with them over holidays.

Good luck to you, I hope these few suggestions help some.

13

fetus, don’t worry about it. I know it’s hard not to be resentful when someone that seems to have it easier complains about their situation. I know there are some upsides to my background but it’s hard to appreciate having a more “global perspective” or whatever when you’re alone at Christmas, wishing that you could see your family like everyone else instead of eating microwave dinners and being stranded in an empty town.

14

Hey, for all I know, I might be THRILLED to have my son turn out just like you. Granted, I hope he doesn’t ever feel desperately unhappy, as it sounds like you are now, but chances are, if he is ever going to grow up to be a complete and compassionate human being, he will indeed have some bad periods that include self-doubt. I don’t know anything about you, except that (1) you are articulate; and (2) you are a Straight Dope member. Now right there are two excellent traits.

Don’t sell yourself short.

15

Thanks for being understanding. As for being alone at Christmas, I’m curious–you can’t go with your GF? Are you not welcome at her family’s home, or something? And again, just out of curiosity, did you celebrate Christmas growing up? (I ask because I’m one of few Americans who didn’t, and I usually forget it’s Christmas until quite a ways into the holiday.)

16

She didn’t invite me since she felt it would be awkward and her parents don’t know that I smoke and she wanted to keep that a secret. I would be lying if said I didn’t feel at least some resentment. But I know many Americans put smokers down there with rapists and terrorists, so I wasn’t going to argue. I have visited her hometown and received something of a lukewarm reception from her family. I’d like to think I’m not at fault since I was ready to politely answer questions and whatnot but her parents didn’t seem like they were terribly interested in getting to know me. It’s not because I’m Asian I presume, since she’s the product of an interracial marriage (black/white). I think it has more to do with the fact that her father is somewhat possessive of her and didn’t like the idea of her having a boyfriend.
Concerning Christmas, our family sort of celebrate it, in our own half-assed way. Some years more than others. I think what got to me more though is that everyone else got to see their family and I didn’t. I’m surprised that Christmas could sneak up on anyone with the constant reminders EVERYWHERE (trees, decoration, TV etc). It wasn’t the end of the world, but it was 3 weeks of monotony and isolation that I could’ve done without.

17

I really, really, feel for you r4nd0mNumb3rs. My father is a sephardic Israeli, with one side of his family from Iraq and the other from Morocco. My mother, on the other hand, grew up in Wisconsin, and her parents came from the Canadian Province of Saskatchewan, and their parents from England. For no sane reason that I have ever been able to determine, I was born and raised in rural Georgia.

My father’s english is incomprehensible, and he would never speak hebrew with me. Furthermore, he was not a practicing Jew, and did not bring me up as one- so when he rediscovered religion when I was in high school, I felt like an outsider in the synagogue. What’s more, it was a sephardic synagogue, while 90% of american jews are ashkenazi, so I really don’t even have that in common with other jews.

My mother kind of went loopy when I was around 10 years old and had to be hospitalized, and before that she was too self absorbed to talk to me much. She was a preschool teacher and spent most of her time raising other people’s children.

The outcome of my parents’ complete disconnect from southern society and indifference toward me- an only child- was that I mostly raised myself, and books were my best friends. Funnily enough, not many books get written in the south, so I ended up talking like someone from New England. To this day, despite the fact that I have spent my entire life in Georgia, people ask me if I am from up north.

But there is a silver lining to this tale of woe! In high school, I managed to make some close friends. Their backgrounds were, in no particular order:

  1. A Ukranian exchange student studying to be a programmer- he had already graduated high school at home, his parents were ‘well off’ by ukranian standards, and they thought a year of American high school would prepare him to attend an american university.

  2. The descendent of an extremely decadent antebellum family. He lived in a huge, extremely run-down mansion on a large wooded plot near the old center of town, which was now surronded by a black ghetto. His last name was the same as the street he lived on. He was one of the most obsessive computer nerds I have ever met- he was one of those people who brag about how many progams they can get running simultaneously without crashing anything (much). He was also a danseur- a male ballet dancer. He got into this because his father was a family photographer who did weddings and sports teams and recitals, etcetera, and his mother was a seamstress.

  3. An African American whose mother was from Chicago, whose father was from Mississippi, but had spent the first ten years of his life growing up in a white neighborhood in San Diego. He was intelligent, compassionate, and responsible, and wholly rejected by all other African Americans his age.

  4. A Canadian of Philiopino descent, whose parents were apparently jungle resistance fighters in their youth, but opted for suburban life as they got older. After first escaping the islands, they fled to Canada and started a family in Toronto, and then ten years later- god knows why- decided to immigrate to the US, and settle in Georgia. This friend carried a sketchbook with him everywhere, and drew constantly.

The moral of the story? Third Culture Kids do have a peer group- other third culture kids. The challenge is finding them and then building a friendship out of shared experiences and common interests rather than established cultural framework.

18

Interesting. You know him better than I do, of course, but as I’m sure you also know, American racism is a strange animal. Black and white Americans can claim they’re not racist by being able to love one another, but show their colors with the odd off-hand remark about subtler racial topics like immigration, education, etc. I mean, it totally shocked me when my parents–who raised me to turn the other cheek when I was beaten up by my peers for being white/Jewish, and who taught me not to judge entire races by the hurtful actions of particular individuals–sat me down and matter-of-factly told me that I shouldn’t date girls of other races because my professors will discriminate against me and the kids will be doomed to failure. It completely blindsided me and I was 18 years old at the time. Anyway, just idle speculation.

Well, Christmas was hard for me as the only Jewish kid I knew in my town. We even celebrated Christmas for a couple of my most formative years, presumably so that I wouldn’t feel left out. But now that I’m an adult, of course I don’t forget that it’s “the Christmas season”–I work in retail to support my education, after all–but the significance of the day itself usually doesn’t fully register with me. My dad is the same way–a couple years back he planned for us to drive up to Utah and visit his brother (who had converted to Christianity years before) on Dec. 25th because everything seemed to line up right for that date. He didn’t even think about why it was so easy to get time off and hit the road that day. Similarly, this last Christmas, I sat around at home all day like I always did on days off, and then at around 8 PM I nipped out for a burrito and passed three closed taco shops before I realized that they were closed because it was Christmas.