And dealing with it. I apologize in advance if this reads too much like a whiny livejournal post–I do think that, at least, loneliness is something universal.
See, this week, there’s a 3-day weekend–which means I don’t have any school on Monday, and also that I’ve got 3 long days to fill up with something, anything, to do. I hate 3-day weekends.
My friend canceled our lunch tomorrow, so now I have no plans for either Sunday or Monday. I don’t even know if I’ll want to get up tomorrow. I will lie in bed tomorrow morning frantically wondering how I can stave off that loneliness just a little bit longer. If there’s anyone I can call, and convince to hang out with me. And yet if I had plans to do something I would be up and about, no problem. That’s unhealthy, surely. It’s got to be. And no friend is going to want to be burdened by that kind of need. I know that perfectly well. But I don’t know how to change myself.
For a long time when I was younger, I didn’t really have any friends–and I was OK with it. I dropped out of high school and started going to college and I was pretty out of place. But I lived with my family, who were very loving, and I had my computer and my books and so on. I wasn’t unhappy. Sure, I was sad sometimes, I was lonely sometimes, but on the whole, I was a pretty happy person.
Now, I’ve got friends, I live half a world away from my family and that quiet bookish house, and I’m a pretty social person, in general. I just went out to the movies last night with 2 friends, and I was planning to hang out with another friend tomorrow. I will have lunch with various people next week and I doubtless could have gone clubbing or out to a bar with someone tonight, had I had the motivation and the money available.
So why do I feel so terrible?
These days, whenever I’m not doing something with someone else, I feel like a worthless human being. I’m not comfortable with myself anymore–me, who used to need nothing more than a book to stay entertained! Now I feel dissatisfied and scared, like I’m going to lose all my friends, if I have just one day without some kind of social engagement. I get desperate and needy and pathetic. I start imagining that all my friends are actually only just putting up with me, see my texts and roll their eyes about it. I start calculating all the times that I ask people to go out and do something, versus the times that they actually ask me to go out and do something, and wonder if I’m just fundamentally unlikeable, or uninteresting.
Man, does everyone feel like this?
I can blame it on a lot of things, like living in a foreign country, far away from my family and support network, or living in a new place in that country (I just moved here 3 months ago), or the fact that one of my few friends (who I also happened to be sleeping with) just lost interest in talking to me one day. Or I could blame it on that old classic, the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend right now, or maybe I could just blame it on the winter weather (although it’s bright and sunny in Tokyo right now.) But I’m afraid it’s something inside of me. Maybe it’s something inside of all of us, to some extent. Maybe I just have to get used to it. Maybe that’s what my mother meant when she said life is hard, and it just gets harder.
So how about the rest of you? Do you feel lonely? How often? And how do you deal with it?