My proposed plan for victory in Iraq

Because I may be a Godless terrorist-hugging liberal who hates America but I still want to do my part.

I keep hearing that the only reason that we’re losing in Iraq is because GthlwhA’s like myself are being defeatist. We’re not losing because we’re actually losing; we’re losing because we’re saying we’re losing. Actual losing is for other countries - God is an American citizen so He won’t let us lose a war unless we lose faith in Him and His divinely appointed leaders.

Now I’ll admit I don’t understand how my belief has any effect on the events happening thousands of miles away. But I didn’t understand how clapping my hands together would save Tinkerbell either and that seemed to work. And unlike those other plans which are putting Americans at risk of being killed, this one seems like one we can afford to experiment on.

Conservatives will tell you that the majority of Americans agree with them. It’s only a few hold-outs like Hollywood and here where a handful of liberals are holding up American victory be their disbelief. So we can turn this whole thing around by acting here - and then we can pin the blame on those suckers in Hollywood.

So for the next two weeks I want everyone here to believe. Anytime you find yourself thinking about the war in Iraq, I want you to stop thinking - thinking is wrong. You have to believe. Just repeat the following lines in your head until the thoughts fade away:

*We are winning the war in Iraq.
Iraq is a peaceful place filled with happy people.
Invading Iraq was a good idea that solved many problems.
Everybody loves Americans because we are perfect.
Terrorists, like bears, are more afraid of us than we are of them.
George Bush is a great leader and a stud with the ladies.
Lower capital gains taxes would solve all our problems.
I figure we give this two weeks and we’ll see measurable results in the field.

I’m putting this is the BBQ Pit because I figure there’s going to be a few malcontents who won’t get with the program. If this doesn’t work, it’s all your fault.

“We’re losing because we’re being stabbed in the back by defeatists.”

Hey, that idea’s worked before!

When I was a kid I was unable to back down from a fight, or even an argument. This got me into fights I had no chance of winning of course, but it felt really good, on a base instincual level, to have a good go at it anyway.

When I grew up I learned that knowing when to fight was a valuable skill, and better still, knowing how to not need to fight even more useful.

I’ve just looked at this change in myself as a normal part of turning from a child to an adult.

Make of that what you will.

So I’m gonna kick you bleeding heart liberals in the ass and say “Stuff your plan”
I think we’d lose a lot less soldiers if we ran away.

Someone needs to read The Secret :slight_smile:

I kid, I kid.

Remember back in WWII when the entire Japanese population was united under the emperor and they wished really hard for their homeland to be victorious and then all our aircraft carriers mysteriously sunk to the bottom of the Pacific? Man, that sucked.

I tried to get with the program, I really did, but the fairy community at the bottom of my garden now resemble an Iraqi wedding party and I have to hire an assistant to pick my nose.

Well, sure, but it only worked because we had one of those pussy Democrats in charge.


Wow, I just started my new program and I’ve already found out it has the potential to be worth millions. I’m still going to focus on winning the war in Iraq right now but next month, right after the VI-Day parade, I’m going to start believing that my ideas can become a best-seller.

I wonder if we have The Iraqi Information Minister on our speed dial somewhere. We could put him to work!

What the hell are you talking about? Did you forget that right after that the entire Japanese population wished really hard for a democracy and then it just sort of happened and suddenly they were a constitutionally peace loving people and then the US came over and said, “Wow, this is great, we love you guys can we be BFF?” and we all lived happily ever after?

That didn’t suck at all. In fact, it shows that a visionary plan like Little Nemo’s can really work!



So, you set up a strawman and then Pit it? Wow, that’s clever!

And now John Mace is complementing my intelligence. I tell you guys, I only started this in order to win the war in Iraq but I’m reaping a lot of personal benefits here as well.

War On! War off! [clap, clap!] The Clappiraq!

However clever a new “the war in Iraq is stupid” thread is, it’s still just another stupid Iraq war thread. I give it a 9/10 for humor because of the TInkerbell reference (I love that little dress! Goddamn!), but a 3/10 for originality, and the 3 is generous, only because you put it in the Pit instead of GD.

I’ll do my best, Little Nemo

“We are winning the war in Iraq. :rolleyes:
Iraq is a peaceful place filled with happy people…”

Zoe’s inner voice: You weren’t so happy that time that Little Nemo
played dumb with you in that thread about Cheney’s West Point Address. First time you’ve turned purple while posting.

“Invading Iraq was a good idea that solved many problems.
Everybody loves Americans because we are perfect.”

Zoe’s inner voice: Just because Little Nemo isn’t perfect doesn’t mean that you’re not perfect, Zoe. Why should you be sarcastic about your own splendid perfection? Is this a trick?

“Terrorists, like bears, are more afraid of us than we are of them.”

Zoe’s inner voice: Terrorists don’t like bears. That’s the Soviet Union or used to be.

“George Bush is a great leader and a stud with the ladies.”

Zoe’s inner voice: That’s George Clooney, fool.

“Lower capital gains taxes would solve all our problems.”

Nemo! How the hell are we gonna tax and spend with any real zeal if we lower capital gains taxes?

(Sigh) “We are winning the war in Iraq…”