My psychosomatic nether regions (messy rant, need sympathy, share your pain)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi. I don’t feel like I can rant about this to people in my immediate vicinity. I know that there are people here who have experience of similar stuff, though. So I thought you might be a friendly crowd.

I’ve battled vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus for about ten years. Finally found a gynaecologist who knows what it’s all about and has helped me a lot. However, after a few months of treatment she says she’s done all she can do. I need to get to the root cause in order to solve this once and for all.

It seems my pearly gates are clamping up is because the rest of my body is extremely tense, too. I have very low self-esteem and am a bit of an evasive wimp, but I’m actually REALLY FUCKING ANGRY and have been since I was a kid. Unfortunately I was raised in a family where anger was absolutely forbidden. So was speaking up against parents. So was also physical contact, and expressing love. Add to this a mother who hated her own body and ridiculed herself by making dirty jokes. And add to that a father who met any emotional outbursts with cold, intellectual derision.

Result: I don’t trust my feelings because I might be hysterical or depressed. I don’t trust my intellect because it might be impaired by my feelings. I don’t make demands on friendships because I assume I don’t have the right to make demands on anything. I can’t express anger, at all. I hate my body. Unsurprisingly I have constant neck and shoulder pain, stiff and aching jaw muscles, IBS and insomnia. And the vaginismus. Oh, and friends that walk all over me.

So I’ve tried therapy before, in various forms (CBT, psychodynamic, lightweight existential discussions with a mentor). However, I’m smart and verbally gifted, and one of my parents is a psychiatrist. I know what to say so that I can go through therapy without actually having to deal with anything dangerous (no, I don’t do it consciously). So I need a therapist that can outsmart me. My gynaecologist knows one like that, someone who might be able to help me. Someone who isn’t just a random person from the list of therapists. But that’s going to take many sessions, and the therapist isn’t subsidized by my country’s healthcare system. Converted to dollars it’s 92 USD per session, about 355 USD per month. That’s more than I have left after paying bills. And we’re talking at least a year of therapy. Probably won’t happen.

All this because I don’t know how to tell people to fuck off.

Thanks for reading all the way to here. Feel free to share your own stories of angry hoo-has or psychosomatic pain. It would be nice to have some company here in the land of It Hurts, But It’s Shameful To Talk About.

2

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I offer the ideas below in the hopes of helping, but if you just need to blow off a little steam, ignore 'em!

  1. You don’t need to commit to a full year of therapy right now. It might be helpful to go to a session or two, possibly a couple of pay periods apart, to get the ball rolling in your own mind. A good therapist will give you ideas to chew on and “homework” for you that, if you’re ready to approach honestly, can help you make progress outside of therapy.

  2. Consider addressing some of the physical tension with a physical remedy. Get a massage, for instance, and ask the massage therapist to focus on your neck and shoulders. If the cost of a massage seems too steep, check into massage schools, where students practice at a very discounted rate.

  3. Outside of therapy, check into resources to help you establish appropriate boundaries with your friends. They may not realize that they’re “walking all over you.” If they do realize it, they’re not really your friends, and it’s not just OK but commendable to drop them.

3

The info on vaginismus seems to indicate that treatment is usually 100% successful.

Have you been through the “do it yourself” treatment regimen by yourself or with your partner?

4

Thanks for your advice, Beadalin. I was actually considering just going for an introductory visit to the therapist and seeing where that might lead. You never know. Massage is probably a great idea too. :slight_smile:

Astro - I’ve been through a ten months long (so far) treatment including both me and my partner. And no, treatment isn’t usually 100% successful. Figures have ranged from 90-95% and up to 100% depending on study and method of treatment.

5

Jesus, Walpurgis, that sounds awful. Full disclosure - I had no idea until four minutes ago what vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus were, and so I’m of relatively little use, I admit.

However, aside from the relative mundanity of my genitals, I hear where you’re coming from, so I’ll talk about what I have some vague idea of how to be of service with.

First,

is crap, and I don’t know if you meant it or not, but you said it. Of course it isn’t “all because” you have some kind of deficiency when it comes to getting aggressive. Probably none of it is, I’ll wager.

Second, yes, talk to the therapist, at least. No therapist worth his or her salt is going to be unprepared to talk cost with you, and an introductory session just to see if it’s a good place for you might not cost anything.

It also sounds to me like you’re really incredibly anxious in general (I mean, it sounds like that because you said it, but I mean that I think it sounds like that’s your “real” problem). I’m that. One thing I learned eventually was that physical relaxation isn’t really a state of being so much as an activity – it’s something you have to do; at least, it’s something I have to do. Maybe other people are just naturally chilled out, but I’m sure not. Exercise, yoga, the actual relaxation exercises where you like listen to a tape, etc. You can’t all at once change the way you’re feeling and thinking, but every little bit helps, even if it feels like a waste.

Speaking of messy ranting, I better stop now. You have my sympathy, and I think I can kind of understand where you’re coming from. Good luck.

6

How about a therapist who is also a registered sex therapist? Massage sounds good, too.

7

How about a prescription for Xanax while you work on your anger issues? Just a thought. Good luck.

8

Perhaps a small start may be to see someone about anger management rather than a therapist/sex therapist? I was and to some extent am still having issues due to repressed anger caused by past traumas and my upbringing. The anger management covered things here and now rather than the past (since doing the AM I have started working on past stuff - it gave me some head space and extra coping skills) it was all about how I do things now/react and what I can change/control now.
I did this through a local not for profit family support service and it cost me nothing. It may be worth looking into for you (I’m not saying it will fix your problems but at the very least it should help)

I heartily recommend medication for anxiety too.

9

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I think it was mostly venting I needed to do. It helped a lot. Also being taken seriously by you guys is an enormous help. :slight_smile:

I should mention that the doc I’ve been getting treatment from is both a gynaecologist and a registered sex therapist, but that treatment hasn’t had the desired effect because the underlying issues aren’t all connected to sexuality. So, some kind of other therapy or anger management it is. That’s where it gets a bit difficult - I’ve been through so many therapists and doctors that I don’t want to see anyone I don’t know anything about. And I don’t know anyone in this town, except my current doc (I moved from another town a couple of years back). Not sure if they actually have anger management here. It’s not a bad idea. Will check.

And yeah, like Jimmy Chitwood up there, I’m not naturally chilled out. My normal state is probably closer to Beaker. I do try to work with relaxation exercises - interestingly they make me even more angry and restless, so there’s some underlying issues there. Writing works. And writing is a form of meditation, when you get into it. I can recommend that, by the way. And will do more of it myself.

As for anxiety meds, I haven’t tried that. Will look into it. I’ve been on Zoloft for long periods, but had too much trouble with the side effects.

Again, thanks.

10

This is going to sound glib, but honestly, it’s not meant that way: If one of the “unacceptable” side-effects of Zoloft is a damping of libido, might that not be a good thing for you right now?

Also, if you can’t afford the #1 recommended doc because he or she isn’t on your health plan, maybe the current doc – who it sounds like you’ve got a really good relationship with, yay! – would be able to recommend someone who is on your health plan.

My very best to you as you continue working through this – I hope you’re giving yourself credit for your bravery in doing so.

11

I’m not offended, but I can’t see why it would be a good thing. Because of course, the dampened libido was the biggest side effect. It went from low to zero. The goal is to try to have a normal sex life, and having no libido at all gave me a whole new set of complexes. Not only could I not have intercourse, now I was frigid too, you know? I only managed to make any progress after getting off the Zoloft.

Yeah, I love my doc to death and wish she could do this bit too. She’s an incredible person. Will definitely check with her if she can recommend anyone else. It seems though that many therapists have gone into private practice lately, which is horrible. Regular people can’t afford them.

Thanks for the props. I do try to give myself credit. Above all I try to talk more about it even though it’s horribly scary to.

12

Okay, yeah, that makes sense – I didn’t think it all the way through. I was thinking, well, if you can’t have sex, not wanting to have sex would be a good thing; wasn’t taking your partner into account. He or she deserves some serious props as well, BTW!

13

Oh, I see what you mean. That would have crossed my mind too. And yeah, my partner is absolutely and utterly kickass. He’s stuck with me through four years of this without a word of complaint - just kind words, patience and support all the way. Best. Boyfriend. Ever. I’m never letting him go. :slight_smile:

14

Walpurgis, I have experienced exactly what you’re talking about. When you’re insecure about everything, you become an approval junkie, conditioned to give the “right” answers, even if they’re wrong.

I want to find that outsmarting therapist, too.

15

Are there counseling centers available that charge on a sliding scale? Because it sounds like CBT is just the thing for you.

I hope you find a therapist that can outsmart you. I’m so lucky that I found one. Makes all the difference in the world.

I like the idea of the anti-anxiety meds, too. Even if they don’t solve your nether region problems directly, maybe they can start to fight the overall tension that you feel.

In the meantime, I wish you luck. A lot of people would have just given up the fight in the face of such problems. It’s great that you haven’t.