My religious mom sent me a Christian "spell" to use against the swine flu

Looks like I can save a few bucks on a flu shot.

This was one of those many-times-forwarded things, and I found what might be the source on this page:

Funny how it says stuff about no occult forces or witchcraft touching anybody, but by any definitions I know of either of those, this qualifies. “Spell” indeed. Pretty much the only thing left out, depending on your school of magic, would be something like calling the quarters.

Ran out of time to edit: “pretty much the only things left out…calling the quarters and closing the circle. And some candles.”

So mote it be; forever and ever, amen.

So the swine flu is caused by witchcraft and the occult? Man! Ya learn something new every day. (/sarcasm) :rolleyes:

Well, obviously all those pig sacrifices had to lead to SOMETHING.

Next year: Goat Flu.

Oh, let me try!
Father in Jesus’ name I come against poverty, I forbid you to advance an further. I bind you and cast you out now in the name of Jesus. I take authority over the very money that we spend and I decree and declare that every poorness or poverty that is being transmitted through the pocketbook is cursed and commanded to die now in Jesus’ name. I reverse the curse of poverty from having no money, whether it is mine or any other kind of poverty, and command it to fall to the ground and have no effect upon me, my family, our retail staff, our Starbucks register, or the shopping body at large. Father in Jesus’ name no prophetic act or word curse released through the spirit of divination, witchcraft, or the spirit of the occult has any right to us and I cancel and reverse all of these curses. I draw a blood line around us, the blood of Jesus, and those connected with us and I decree and declare that no lack of money formed against us will prosper, no poverty shall come near our dwelling and our
bodies will now come into alignment with the Word of God, “by His stripes we are rich”.

Now, I wait.

Father in Jesus’ name I come against spam, I forbid you to advance an further. I bind you and cast you out now in the name of Jesus. I take authority over the very email that we receive and I decree and declare that every glurge or offer that is being transmitted through the internet is cursed and commanded to die now in Jesus’ name. I reverse the curse of spam from all sources, whether it is swindlers or any other strain of spammers, and command it to fall to the ground and have no effect upon me, my family, our computers, our networks, or the internet at large. Father in Jesus’ name no prophetic act or word curse released through the spirit of divination, witchcraft, or the spirit of the occult has any right to us and I cancel and reverse all of these curses. I draw a blood line around us, the blood of Jesus, and those connected with us and I decree and declare that no spam sent unto us will prosper, no plague shall come near our dwelling and our bodies will now come into alignment with the Word of God, “by His stripes we are spared”.

Maybe that will also prevent her from sending you anything similar in the future, too.

I have a spell that protects me from the bubonic plague. Oh, and also tigers.

It works!

I am so going to create a spell to replenish my bank account.

Theurgy. No suprise. Heard of it before.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theurgy

Goat flu? I think you have it all wrong.

Next year… Female Virgin Flu.

Serious question: is there really any difference between a “spell” and an imprecatory or petitionary prayer? It seems to me that they all aim to accomplish the same thing, and “spell” is simply the name that one gives to the theurgy (thanks, Bosda!) of a religion other than one’s own.

I was gonna lay a curse on women who won’t screw me, but there are two problems. First, that’s ALL women, so a curse would seem overly broad. Second, the very fist line would be kind of weird, “Father in Jesus’ name I come against come against women who won’t screw me…” If only I could do that…

Exodus 22:18, man. Exodus 22:18. Sorry, Revtim.

:wink:

I want one that will keep my car from developing cracks, leaks, or other unpleasant and expensive surprises.

Yeah, right. 'Round my parts, a virgin is an ugly 3rd grader that can outrun her brothers.

So be it!

Rings bell
Closes Bible
Quenches candle

Er… oops… wrong ceremony. Sorry guys, I think that may have ruined it.

Excellent location field/post combo.

Ah, prayer, the only way you can feel good about yourself for having done something when you haven’t done anything at all.

“I lost my job, my house burned down, and my dog has rabies.”
“I’ll pray for you.”
“Oh… well, could you maybe do something useful as well?”

Why doesn’t whoever came up with the anti-flu prayer come up with an anti-death and anti-satan prayer and fix the entirety of existence?

For what it’s worth, I fully support working this in to mainstream churches. I also support bringing back the aforementioned Bell, Book, and Candle as well as renewing interest in alchemy and conducting frequent ritual animal sacrifices. The world would be SO much more interesting.