My Sexual Harassment Dilemma

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=Billdo]
I can understand not wanting to get involved with the whole school sexual harrassment machinery, though if this continues I would suspect you may have to.

I would suggest that you could send him a letter (keeping a copy) noting his conduct, stating that you find it objectionable and requesting he stop or you will file a harrassment complaint. I’d keep it cold and factual, short and sweet (as opposed to your usual detailed and flowery). Perhaps something like:

Dear Dr. Closetcase:

On three recent Saturdays, April XX, April XX and April XX, while I was performing my job duties at the XYZ Library, you approached and made verbal comments and physical contact that I considered to be inappropriate and unwanted sexual advances. I consider this to be sexual harrassment, and I request that it immediately cease.

If you again make inappropriate physical contact with me, or address me in a sexual or sexually suggestive manner, I will have no choice to file an official complaint of sexual harrassment with the college [equal opportunity officer, or whoever the person is].

I trust that this will be the end of the matter.

Very truly yours

SampiroWith a letter like this, you have documented that you found his behavior inappropriate and warned him to stop. If he continues, it will make your subsequent complaint stronger both as a matter of proof and as a matter of showing you are not a whiner who just fires off a complaint without trying to deal with the situation himself.

If he has any sense (which he probably does not), he will get the letter and back the heck off, solving your problem. If not, he’s had fair warning.

Good luck.
[/QUOTE]

Good letter. This is what I’d do as well. I’ve been at the wrong end of sexual harrassment - and while I suspect this guy knows exactly what he is doing, I also think a lot of people truly think that people are playing “coy” unless it is spelled out.

I did tell my harrasser “what you are doing is sexual harrassment” He persisted. He got fired.

22

[QUOTE=Billdo]
IDear Dr. Closetcase:

On three recent Saturdays, April XX, April XX and April XX, while I was performing my job duties at the XYZ Library, you approached and made verbal comments and physical contact that I considered to be inappropriate and unwanted sexual advances. I consider this to be sexual harrassment, and I request that it immediately cease.

If you again make inappropriate physical contact with me, or address me in a sexual or sexually suggestive manner, I will have no choice to file an official complaint of sexual harrassment with the college [equal opportunity officer, or whoever the person is].

I trust that this will be the end of the matter.

Very truly yours

Sampiro
[/QUOTE]

This I like- gives good CYA and proves prior contact, and as I have absolutely no feasible reason whatever to falsely accuse him of anything and am not asking for anything other than leaving me alone he can’t claim that it’s extortion or the like. (My record in filing grievances or really rocking the boat at all in workplaces is spotless and I don’t think anybody would think I was mad because a 70 year old man spurned me or whatever else he might cook up.)

I understand QPPs to a degree, I really do: it was not cool to be gay in 1960. However, I give them no more slack on adultery than I would a 30 year old, and the fact it’s with a member of their own gender makes it even worse because of the humiliation factor to their family if exposed. I see them as "okay, you put your real sex-drive on back burner and dove into domesticity. I’ve no doubt you’ve had lots of cases of blueballs and “it happens to all guys” incidents with your wife and the like, but otoh your kids and grandkids and social acceptance should prove at least some compensation and if they don’t and you absolutely have to get your freak on then tell the wife you have a business trip to Dallas (or some other far away city), take $1000 out of your personal account, and get lapdances til you have a stroke, but DON’T risk humiliating her with something like this cause ain’t ever’one as sweet as me.

While I strongly suspect that he manufactured the young hairdresser who wants to ‘introduce [Dr. Arnold] to his world’ to get a reaction out of me*, a part of me hopes he isn’t. There are certainly sexy seniors- the whole Sean Connery/Patrick Stewart/etc.- but this guy is NOT one of them and the only thing a young guy [Dr. Arnold alleges he’s 25-30] could conceivably want from a pudgy nellie old married man is a sugar daddy, so if so and he does go out with him I can totally see this [alleged] hustler spending him dry, blackmailing him, and leaving him flat without a minute’s qualm, which I think would be great karma.

*I forgot to mention that the other day when he said the “I was hoping to molest you” comment he followed it with “I made you blush!” I responded with “That’s not blushing it’s anger”, at which he giggled as if I was joking (which I wasn’t of course), but that in and of itself should have told him to LMTFA. I think he gets off on the discomfort.

23

The only problem with sending the letter is that he may leave you alone and go find somebody else to harass. I wonder if you could tone down the letter as follow:

By taking out the specific reference to sexual harassment, you may be able to send a copy to HR without their being required to officially investigate. At the same time, there would be a record of his actions in case somebody else complains. Then again, I have no experience in these matters so I may be totally wrong.

24

No, they’d still have to investigate. Its sexual harrassment whether Sampiro calls it such in a letter or not. This isn’t a case where if you don’t say the magic words, the demon doesn’t come through the door.

25

Please report this. He does it because he can. Make it so he can’t. Think of the little bois coming up behind you… so to speak.

26

Wear a wire. Better yet, wear a wire that’s attached to a microphone (shades of Hot Lips Houlihan!).

Actually, I like the letter idea a lot, and I wouldn’t avoid making a scene if it happens again within earshot of a student. This guy’s a real drag.

27

I think you should report him. I like the idea of the letter, but I keep thinking that if you give him the letter and he backs off, he’s just going to move on to harass someone else.

GT

28

[QUOTE=Sampiro]
This I like-
[/QUOTE]
Thanks. A good, short cease and desist letter is a useful item in one’s bag of tricks.

As I see it, what you want is for Dr. Creepyhands to stop harassing you. I understand your sympathy for the environment in which he was forced to grow up, but that doesn’t give him the right to play grab ass with the library staff. I’m sure that there are plenty of QPPs out there that are quite content to groom their poodles without asking about where their co-workers were growing body hair.

Also, as you recognize, keeping this guy away from you is the key. Although getting him disciplined may help others avoid his creepy clutches, the system isn’t set up that way. Even if you fire up the grand inquisition machine, it’s unlikely that it will yank off his epaulets, strip him of his buttons, break his sword and send him marching away in disgrace. He was getting a little suggestive with a mature librarian; it’s not is like he;s diddling his underage freshman advisee. The worst that will likely happen is that they will send him off for a short tour of the re-education camps where he’ll have to write “I will not grope library staff” one hundred times on the chalkboard while listening to Mrs. Crabapple explain why it is bad. More important, the harassment investigation and adjudication process will chew you up and spit you out as well.

As for revising the letter to desex it and sending it in to HR, it makes it doubly useless. First it doesn’t tell the harasser exactly what he is doing wrong, and second it tells HR just enough to be dangerous. The thing about the letter just to him is that it it is a private action that leaves him the ability to stop bugging you, and leaves you the ability to document your request to have him stop if you have to escalate it.

Although the instinct to save the world is admirable, and should be indulged when it has a chance of success, this isn’t a case where running his dirty undies up the flagpole will make everyone salute. And if he comes at ou again, by going the additional round and sending the letter, it will strengthen your case for getting him some substantial punishment.

29

You probably also want to send the letter by registered receipt mail.

30

Hey, why the long face muscley arms?!

31

What would you say if one of us ladies on the Dope posted the same story about a creepy old straight guy doing that to us? That sort of touching goes way beyond harmless, let alone the things he’s saying. Wouldn’t you be outraged?

What if it happened to your sister (well maybe not your sister, someone you loved like a sister :wink: )? What would you tell them to do?

Don’t sell yourself short in this situation because you’re gay and you’re a man. I know I’m not in tune with the politics of being gay, but sexual harassment is sexual harassment and no one should have to put up with it, especially at that level, ever.

32

[QUOTE=Sampiro]
if Mr. Humphries was raped by a leprechaun
[/QUOTE]

I don’t know how to spell out the sound I just made, but it was halfway between a giggle and a snort.

33

Sampiro, if he harrasses you again when others are nearby, I wouldn’t try to keep my comments to him quiet. This is no time to be polite

I had had a similar problem with a faculty member in my school. I had been very assertive with him, but I let it drag on too long without doing anything about it. He got touchy-feely again one day in the faculty lounge when a lot of other teachers were around and I turned loose on him. I told him in a loud and angry voice that if he ever touched me again I was telling the school administration, his wife, and his bishop – in that order. (He was a lay assistant at his church.) I had suspected that this was about to happen any day and just the day before I had called the cathedral to find out the name of the bishop for this diocese. So when I indicated that I would contact his bishop, I called the bishop by name. The man looked like he had been hit by a frying pan. There must have been eight or ten teachers that witnessed my telling him off. They knew he had it coming. I wasn’t the only one that he was doing this to. He just seemed more persistent with me.

I did end up filing a complain with the school officials. As soon as the appropriate person read my letter, he said, “I can promise you that it will never happen again.” And it didn’t No one questioned me further about it and that was the end of my being provoked.

You do not have to put up with this.

34

Excellent description of sexual harrassment. I’m glad we’ve reached a time when people take it seriously instead of telling you to relax and just enjoy it and see if you can get him to buy you expensive gifts.

(Yes, I was sexually harrassed in the eighties when I was a cute young thing.)

35

[QUOTE=Zoe]
Sampiro, if he harrasses you again when others are nearby, I wouldn’t try to keep my comments to him quiet. This is no time to be polite

I had had a similar problem with a faculty member in my school. I had been very assertive with him, but I let it drag on too long without doing anything about it. He got touchy-feely again one day in the faculty lounge when a lot of other teachers were around and I turned loose on him. I told him in a loud and angry voice that if he ever touched me again I was telling the school administration, his wife, and his bishop – in that order. (He was a lay assistant at his church.) I had suspected that this was about to happen any day and just the day before I had called the cathedral to find out the name of the bishop for this diocese. So when I indicated that I would contact his bishop, I called the bishop by name. The man looked like he had been hit by a frying pan. There must have been eight or ten teachers that witnessed my telling him off. They knew he had it coming. I wasn’t the only one that he was doing this to. He just seemed more persistent with me.

I did end up filing a complain with the school officials. As soon as the appropriate person read my letter, he said, “I can promise you that it will never happen again.” And it didn’t No one questioned me further about it and that was the end of my being provoked.

You do not have to put up with this.
[/QUOTE]
I did the same thing with a co-worker who put his hand down the “gap” in the back of my jeans . :eek: I loudly told him to get the fuck away from me and such. I may have let it go at that. That is, until he made the universally understood “Oooooh, I’m sooo scared!” movement with his hands.

I told my boss. He basically blew me off. Then I went home and got drunk and called him at home and told him I quit. Theeeeen he went to the President (who was also a lawyer) and they talked to the guy. And they talked to me. And they talked to the guy and made him cry. This was a military subcontractor company with tons of ex-marines and buckets of macho at every turn. The crying part made me feel pretty good, actually. And they made us work on separate floors.

That’s right. What I considered to be a physical assault was dealt with by making us work on separate floors.

I left within a year or so.

36

I think I’d try to get a some kind of recording of him harassing you as a further CYA/insurance. He could do the fullblown “Sampiro is angling to blackmail me! He’s lying!” drama queen route. Head it off at the pass. comfort

37

Clarifying: I think he might yet try the drama queen route, and attempt to make out like he’s the victim in all this, because he ISN’T rational. He’s not all there. Don’t think he’ll be logical. If he’s been under the radar to his bosses this long, then he might think he could pull such a thing off. Get proof. :frowning:

38

Back in the early 90s I was bending over getting some paper to refill the fax machine or something and some guy came up and whacked me on the butt.

I turned around and yelled “Don’t ever do that again!” He cooed and simpered “Ooooh, sexual harrassment!” and I said, “No, you ass, that hurt!”

It was a small office, my boss was right around the corner, and that was the last of that nonsense.

39

I’m concerned that if you send the letter to him, he may reverse things on you. He is old, but that simply means he has had time to grow devious.

I would write the letter, seal it, and ask your boss if you could speak to them off the clock about an issue. Without naming names, I’d describe what was going on as a ‘hypothetical’ situation, and ask their advice on what you should do. Use your judgment on how hypothetical to keep it. Express your concern about the casting couch and so on.

Ask their opinion and advice on what you should do with this situation, and if you should talk to someone else about it, and if so, whom.

40

Documentation is of course a biggie. And I think in many cases the problem is that a person in the OP waits too long to make noise. In other words, when the situation finally becomes totally unbearable, both parties are on the carpet explaining themselves.

Instead, by making a little noise to the appropriate authority during the buildup, it doesn’t look like a flash in the pan. A lawyer told me once that it’s an advantage to get your side of the story in first. And you want to be calm, reasonable, rational. You might want to approach it like, “I don’t want you to do anything about this for now, but I wanted you to be aware of what’s going on.” Then if worse comes to worse, you’ve frontloaded your defense.